Episode 96: A CLASH OF KINGS, THEON II: "The Favorite Child" SHOW NOTES! (Patreon)

Hello and welcome to the Not A Cast … podcast: the one true chapter-by-chapter podcast going through A Song of Ice and Fire one chapter a week. I’m one of your hosts Jeff better known as BryndenBFish. 

And I’m your other host Emmett, better known as PoorQuentyn.          

Welcome to the ninety-sixth episode of the Not A Cast, titled: “The Favorite Child: An Analysis of ACOK, Theon II,” in which Theon keeps his streak of humiliating family reunions alive.

This episode is brought to you by our Small Council: 

• Hand of the King WolfmanZack 
• Grand Maester Timbob
• Lord Commander of the Kingsguard Mark N. 
• Lord Travis, Master of Ships and Warden of the Waves
• Ser Keith J, Master of Whisperers
• Lord Philip the Merciful, Master of Laws
• Jancy O, Lady Commander of the Night’s Watch
• Lord Gene, Master of Coin
• Archmaester June, Healer of the Lesser Poxes
• Ragged Michael, Warden of the North
• Nelson the Hammer, Prince of Dragonstone
• Scarlett the Other Red Woman and Mistress of Whisperers
• Lord Micah: Warden of the West and the Kraken’s Bane
• Lord James: the Jim that was Promised
• The High Bearded Priest
• Lord Jake, Assistant (to the) Hand of the King
• Lady Xena Valyrian
• Hedrigal, Captain of the Air Ship Arrogance
• His Grace’s High Inquisitor Frank
• Ser Jasper the Cruel, the King’s Justice
• Laurence, Prince of Dorne
• Kelly, Warden of the East and Mistress of (Old) Bay of Crabs
• Steven the Steadfast, Master of Hounds
• The Blue Winter Rose Knight of Highgarden
• Lady Stephanie
• Lord Anonymous
• Lord Carlos
• Lord Andrew the Restless, a Priest of the Drowned God
• The King's Cook, Nolly (No-lee) Olly (Oh-lee), Master of Cannoli
• Ser Sourcedelica 
• Prince Matthew of House Targaryen - Proud Soy Boy of Summerhall, Defender of the 5th Book and Swing Dancer with Dragons
• Ser K.W. Dent, Elsie of the Blackwood Guard, and Batman of the Seven Kingdoms
• Lord Penchant for Nostalgia
• Queer Alex, Rainbow Commander of the They-des and Gentle-thems
• Lord Clint, Esq., Master of Absolutely, Positively NOT Serving As A Spy for Several Unnamed High Lords and Ladies In Order to Further the Secret Blackfyre-Style Conspiracy to Overthrow The Oppressive Small Council
• Haldivar, The Waiter for TWOW
• A-a-ron Damphair Prophet of the Forsaken and High Priest of Euron Crows Eye
• Lieutenant Glenn Lord of H town
• Vanerys of the House Colgaryen, the First of Her Name, Princess of Dragonstone, Mistress of Art, The Overworked, Queen of the Pencils, the Eraser and the First Draft, Queen of Monochrome, Devotee of the Great GOT, Portraitist of the Realm, Lady Realist of the Seven Kingdoms, Blender of Paints and Maker of Drawings

Spoiler warning: All published books, 5 novels, 3 Dunk and Egg novellas, histories, interviews, TWOW sample chapters, as well as Game of Thrones the TV show. Anything and everything!

Question

Ser Cortnay, "What did the Five Fingers Say to the Face" Penrose, asks:

Gerion Lannister: where is he going where has he been? Is he the tattered prince? Is brightroar gone for good or is tyrion going to find it some how?

So, thank you Ser Cortnay for your question. If you’d like to ask us questions here on the NotACast pod-cast, you are welcome to become a Sworn Sword or higher patron at patreon.com/NotACastASOIAF. And for all $5/above month patrons, we wanted to announce that our next patreon-only bonus episode titled “Flag Day” in which we analyze some of the many ways in which George makes use of heraldry in ASOIAF, and how all these colors run, unlike the red white and blue is coming out in the final week in January! That episode and our twenty-three other bonus ASOIAF episodes and five Fevre Dream bonus episodes can be found, again, at patreon.com/NotACastASOIAF!

Absolutely! It’s a under-explored topic in ASOIAF which George deftly utilizes to communicate story, and I can’t wait! But enough about patreon. Let’s turn to Theon Greyjoy. When we last left Theon, he had arrived to the sound of trumpets from the white tower, welcoming Theon back to the Iron Islands as the beloved son of Balon Greyjoy. Wait a minute. Do I have this right? (Pick up book prop, flip through pages) It appears I do not. Let’s see how Theon Greyjoy further beclowns himself in this synopsis of ACOK, Theon II!

Synopsis

Theon Greyjoy beholds his first and thinks she looks beautiful. But then a woman comes up to him asks if he likes the look of her. He does, but he rather likes the look the woman more.

Ironborn, he knew at a glance; lean and longlegged, with black hair cut short, wind-chafed skin, strong sure hands, a dirk at her belt. Her nose was too big and too sharp for her thin face, but her smile made up for it. He judged her a few years older than he was, but no more than five-and twenty. She moved as if she were used to a deck beneath her feet. 

George, good Irishman that he is, is casually winding up the audience for the fun practical joke that he has planned for Theon.

The woman though plays “hard to get” with Theon. Is that correct? Is that what’s going on here? But Theon insists on tasting her tongue. The woman asks Theon whether he’s been long at sea and if there’d been no women where he came from. Theon ignores the first question and focuses on the second. There were plenty of women in the green lands.

“But none like you.”

“And how would you know what I’m like?” the woman asks.

“My eyes can see your face. My ears can hear your laughter. And my cock’s gone hard as a mast for you.” 

Chivalry: not dead. But Ash- oh wait, the woman gives Theon a bit of encouragement by going for a quick dick swipe on Theon. She admits that Theon wasn’t lying about being #erect. She asks whether Theon’s dick hurts, and Theon says yes it does. But the woman claims that she’s wed and pregnant. So, she can’t help with any of that. Theon, extraordinarily charming, says that’s all well and good. He can’t put a bastard into her. But she demurs, saying her husband wouldn’t be too thrilled with Theon doinking her.

“No, but you might.”

“And why would that be? I’ve had lords before. They’re made the same as other men.”

“Have you ever had a prince?” he asked her. “When you’re wrinkled and grey and your teats hang past your belly, you can tell your children’s children that once you loved a king.”  

PAUSE. I’m trying to imagine the scenario Theon is imagining. Gather around grandchildren. Grandma’s brought cookies, and she’s going to tell everyone about that time she fucked Theon. Yeah, Theon of House *Greyjoy*. The cookies are chocolate chip and still warm. The woman teases back that Theon ain’t talkin’ about love, and Theon thinks he likes this woman and says he’ll name his longship after her and play some Wonderwall on the high harp for her and keep her all up in a castle like a princess.

The woman agrees with Theon saying that he should name the ship after her. She built it after all. She did? Well, kind-of. Her husband Sigirn built the ship. BTW, her name is very definitely Esgred. This gives Theon pause. He didn’t know that Sigrin had a wife, but fuck it. Sigirn’s just some barely not-peasant. He only met the dude once. So, he figures that Esgred is wasted on Sigirn.

“Oho. Sigrin told me this sweet ship is wasted on you.”

Theon bristled. “Do you know who I am?”

“Prince Theon of House Greyjoy. Who else?” 

Screws are being turned, friends. 

Esgred wants to know if Theon likes the ship, and Theon thinks about how new the ship felt. Aeron Damphair was going to bless the ship the next day, and it wasn’t a massive warship like his father’s or his uncle’s ship. But she was fast with a lean black hull, one hundred feet long. In other words, it’s not about the size of the boat; it’s about the motion in the ocean. He says that Sigirn did a fine job and asks if the ship is as fast she seems. Quite, Esgred replies. It’d be faster for someone who knows how to handle ships.

“It has been a few years since I sailed a ship.” And I’ve never captained one, if truth be told. 

“Still, I’m a Greyjoy, and an ironman. The sea is in my blood.”

“And your blood will be in the sea, if you sail the way you talk,” she told him. “I would never mistreat such a fair maiden.”

“Fair maiden?” She laughed. “She’s a sea bitch, this one.” 

“There, and now you’ve named her. Sea Bitch.” 

Esgred’s eyes spark, and she playfully states that Theon said he would name the ship after her. Theon grabs her hand and declares that if they gone to bone town, that it will be good fortune for him. Or so they say in the green lands. 

This causes Asha, shit, Esgred to call him a liar. Besides, the greenlanders didn’t know anything about ships or women. Theon asks if he confesses that she’ll love him, and Esgred asks when she’s ever loved him. Ouch, Theon. You don’t know how bad you got burned there. All the same, Theon knows that Damphair will bless his ship the next day with seawater or some shit, but today, Theon wants to bless his ship in his own unique way: with his cum. Amazing. Esgred again demurs, saying that the Drowned God won’t take kindly to all that, and Theon, a very cool college atheist with a YouTube channel, says he doesn’t care about the Drowned God. He’ll drown the Drowned God all over again if he bothers them. Besides, they’re going to war. You don’t want to let Theon go away unfucked, do you?

Esgred will fuck Theon, but just in a different way. We’ll get to that soon enough. They go back and forth with flirtatious banter, and Esgred once again slides a hand across Theon’s dick. This causes Theon to invite her to another tall tower at Pyke. But Esgred has no horse. Theon offers his squire’s horse to Esgred. So kind. But she declines that too. So, Theon says that they can share the horse. Esgred considers, asking where she’ll be sitting if they ride together. When Theon says anywhere she’d like, Esgred says she likes being on top. Now, what does this mean … We’re moving on.

But then Esgred agrees to go with Theon. So, they head back to the inn at Lordsport where Theon left his horse. Lordsport proves crowded with people, but then Theon notices something about the people:

Ironmen did not bend their knees often nor easily, but Theon noted that oarsmen and townfolk alike grew quiet as they passed, and acknowledged him with respectful bows of the head. They have finally learned who I am, he thought. And past time too. 

Everything’s coming up Theon!

Lord Goodbrother had brought forty ships into Lordsport the night before, and all the Goodbrother men were about the town. Esgred asks if Theon has chosen his crew yet, but before Theon can answer, she calls down to one named Bluetooth, asking about his new wife. He reports she’ll have twins soon. When Theon asks if he should have Bluetooth for his crew, Esgred says don’t do that. Bluetooth is already a captain of his own boat. Theon reports that Victarion’s loaned him Rymolf Stormdrunk, his steersman, and Esgred thinks he’s a good steersman so long as he stays sober. 

But then Esgred is chatting with more and more people, and Theon comments that everyone seems to know her. True enough. Everyone knows and loves the shipwright’s wife. Uh huh. All the same, Theon’s at the point where he wants men loyal to him over Balon, Victarion and Aeron. Esgred suggests a few, and Theon humors her with thinking that he values her counsel. But seriously, my bros, what do fuckin’ girls know about boats, amirite? Hell yeah.

The pair passes near the Myraham (the boat Theon arrived on), and Theon picks up his pace, thinking about how Balon had forbidden any ships from leaving the harbor. But that’s not why he’s practically running away from the ship.

“Milord,” a plaintive voice called down from the forecastle of the merchanter. The captain’s daughter leaned over the rail, gazing after him. Her father had forbidden her to come ashore, but whenever Theon came to Lordsport he spied her wandering forlornly about the deck. “Milord, a moment,” she called after him. “As it please milord...” 

It’s the captain’s daughter, and Theon is none too pleased to see her. So, he ignores her. Esgred asks if the girl pleased Theon, and he says yeah, she was alright for a time, but she was plain and kind-of dumb. Esgred agrees to Theon’s surprise.

But they finally come up to the inn where Theon had left his squire Wex. He goes in looking for the boy and finds him dicing and gambling. Theon tells Wex they need to diddy-mau, but Wex ignores Theon until the “prince” grabs the boy by the ear and drags him away. Wex comes without complaining, and he really can’t complain given that he’s dumb of speech. They emerge from the inn, and then Wex sees Esgred. The boy’s eyes go wide, and Theon wonders why he’s acting so strangely. Yes, Theon. Why? Theon orders Wex to saddle the horses. They’re all riding back to Pyke.

Theon’s horse as it turns out was a “hellhorse” according to Esgred. He’d received it from Lord Botley as most of the Ironborn didn’t ride so well in the sparse ground. But Theon had been raised at Winterfell and knew how to ride. Esgred asks the horse’s name as they mount, and Theon says it’s Smiler, named for how Theon was told he smiled at the wrong things. Esgred gets up front and asks if Theon is smiling now, and yeah he is. He reaches his arms around Esgred to grab the reins, smelling Esgred and noticing how she’s nearly as tall as him, but he likes that smell of woman on her.

They ride up to Pyke, Theon attempting to cop feels on Esgred the entire ride up. Esgred keeps pushing Theon off of her, warning him that his squire is watching. All the while, Theon talks and talks and talks. He tells her about the Whispering Wood, and as he reaches the part about so totally nearly killing Jaime Lannister, he goes up for another boob squeeze. Esgred brushes his hand off and holds his hands to prevent them from going for more feels. Theon notes the hands are firm.

But then Esgred changes the direction of the conversation:

“Tell me of your father. Will he welcome me kindly to his castle?” 

“Why should he? He scarcely welcomed me, his own blood, the heir to Pyke and the Iron Islands.” 

“Are you?” she asked mildly. “It’s said that you have uncles, brothers, a sister.” 

“My brothers are long dead, and my sister... well, they say Asha’s favorite gown is a chainmail hauberk that hangs down past her knees, with boiled leather smallclothes beneath. Men’s garb won’t make her a man, though. I’ll make a good marriage alliance with her once we’ve won the war, if I can find a man to take her. As I recall, she had a nose like a vulture’s beak, a ripe crop of pimples, and no more chest than a boy.” 

Soak in that for a moment. Feels great.

Esgred reports that Theon might have some power over Asha’s marriage prospects, but he can’t marry his uncles off. This is a sore spot for Theon as he remembers how uncles have a tendency to dispose of annoying, weak nephews via murdering the bejesus out of them.

But I am not weak, Theon told himself, and I mean to be stronger yet by the time my father dies.

Theon is a very strong kraken, DAD. Regardless, Theon knows that Aeron only cares about his god and Victarion is strong but very dumb. These are true things. But then Esgred asks about that other uncle of Theon’s:

“I’ve heard men say terrible things of that one.”

Theon shifted his seat. “My uncle Euron has not been seen in the islands for close on two years. He may be dead.” If so, it might be for the best. Lord Balon’s eldest brother had never given up the Old Way, even for a day. His Silence, with its black sails and dark red hull, was infamous in every port from Ibben to Asshai, it was said. 

But Esgred thinks Euron might be dead, and given how long Euron has been away, the Ironborn would never seat him onto the Seastone chair. Crisis averted!

Theon thinks maybe he can grab another boob, but all this talk of his uncles has made him go from midnight to nine. He’ll sex Esgred as soon as they arrive at Pyke though. Theon tells Esgred that he’ll have her sat in a place of honor at the feast, and when old man Balon goes night-night, he’ll hang with her for the rest of the night. Esgred displays some sympathy for Balon, talking about how sad it is when great men grow old. But Theon thinks that Balon is only the father of a great man: Theon, in case you had any doubt.

Esgred calls Theon immodest, which yeah and asks Theon what she should wear. Theon plans to give Esgred one of his mother’s gowns as she’s away at Harlaw and not coming home any time soon. Esgred says maybe Theon should go visit her. Moms are always so annoying wanting to see their children. But Theon can’t go. He’s just so very busy, yes. He can’t possibly slip away even if his visit might bring her peace. Theon’s all like, “You sound like a fuckin’ girl”, and Asha, Esgred agrees. She’s very new with child and a woman too. This gets Theon hard in his nethers thinking about banging a pregnant chick. But he comments that Esgred doesn’t seem very pregnant. He’s going to need to see those boobs get big and ripe and drink the milk from them. Yes, George, uh, Theon, we get it. You have a lactation fetish. 

We then proceed to more banter between Esgred and Theon, revisiting the topics of how Esgred is Sigirn the Shipwright’s wife. Esgred encourages Theon to talk more about Robb Stark and the Lannisters. And Theon can’t keep his trap shut.

Finally, Pyke appears ahead, and the pair races up to the gate. The hounds come running,and they bowl Esgred over. She begins wrestling and laughing with them. A stableman comes out, and Theon orders him to take the reins of his horse, but he ignores him. 

His face broke into a huge gap-toothed smile and he said, “Lady Asha. You’re back.” 

“Last night,” she said. “I sailed from Great Wyk with Lord Goodbrother, and spent the night at the inn. My little brother was kind enough to let me ride with him from Lordsport.” She kissed one of the dogs on the nose and grinned at Theon. 

All he could do was stand and gape at her. Asha. No. She cannot be Asha. He realized suddenly that there were two Ashas in his head. One was the little girl he had known. The other, more vaguely imagined, looked something like her mother. Neither looked a bit like this... this... this... The pimples went when the breasts came,” she explained while she tussled with a dog, “but I kept the vulture’s beak.”

This is the Thanksgiving turkey cooking in the oven levels of deliciousness. 

Theon, in shock, demands to know why Asha didn’t identity herself.

Asha let go of the hound and straightened. “I wanted to see who you were first. And I did.” She gave him a mocking half bow. “And now, little brother, pray excuse me. I need to bathe and dress for the feast. I wonder if I still have that chainmail gown I like to wear over my boiled leather smallclothes?” She gave him that evil grin, and crossed the bridge with that walk he’d liked so well, half saunter and half sway.

Theon turns and finds Wex smirking at him. He clouts Wex Dunk-style on the ear for not warning him -- even if he didn’t have a tongue. He heads up to his chambers in the Guest Keep. Ouch. That must’ve hurt and gets a good glass of wine for drink and thinks that he really made an ass out of himself this time. He drinks at his window seat and watches the sea, brooding.

I have no place here, he thought, and Asha is the reason, may the Others take her!

Well, Theon, you get half-credit for thinking you have no place at Pyke. Not so sure that Asha is the reason though …

Then he hears the music, gets into somber dark and gray clothing to reflect his mood, commenting that he didn’t have any fine iron price clothing as he only killed the poor and heads down to the feast. He finds the hall smoky with four hundred people within: Harlaws, Blacktydes, Sparrs, Merlyns, Goodbrothers, Saltcliffes, Sunderlies, Botleys and Wynches: most of the major Ironborn families are represented. Meanwhile, three ironborn morons perform the finger dance: a “game” where the ironborn throw axes at each other and try to catch them in the air. It’s called the “finger dance” because the dancers often lose a finger or five.

No one really pays attention to Theon as he enters. He sees Balon up on the Seastone Chair “carved in the shape of a great kraken from an immense block of oily black stone. Theon thinks about how legend had it that ancient ironborn found it on the shores of Old Wyk. Flanking Balon were Victarion and Aeron, but it was Asha who had the seat of honor at Balon’s right hand.

“You come late, Theon,” Lord Balon observed.

“I ask your pardon.” Theon took the empty seat beside Asha. Leaning close, he hissed in her ear, “You’re in my place.”

She turned to him with innocent eyes. “Brother, surely you are mistaken. Your place is at Winterfell.” 

Asha, stop flaying Theon with your words. Hm, maybe flaying is an impolite word to use here. She asks after Theon’s former fancy clothes, and Theon notices that Asha is garbed in soft green wool tight to her body. He tries insulting Asha back asking her where all the iron she normally wears is. Asha says that Theon might end up seeing this, but he’d have to catch her aboard her Black Wind ship in his slower Sea Bitch. Anyways, whatcha drinking tonight, Theon? Ale or some breast milk? Theon flushes and says he’s drinking wine tonight.

Theon tries eating some stew, but he realizes he’s already shithoused, but maybe if he throws up, he can puke on Asha? He tries engaging Asha again, asking if Daddy Balon knows that she’s married his shipwright. Asha replies that she hasn’t married Sigirn. Esgred was the name of the first ship he built after his mother. Theon angrily retorts that everything Asha said was a lie, but Asha’s like, not everything was a lie. She likes being on top. Now really angry, Theon practically stamps his feet, saying that Asha lied about being a woman wed and with a child.

“Oh, that part was true enough.” Asha leapt to her feet. “Rolfe, here,” she shouted down at one of the finger dancers, holding up a hand. He saw her, spun, and suddenly an axe came flying from his hand, the blade gleaming as it tumbled end over end through the torchlight. Theon had time for a choked gasp before Asha snatched the axe from the air and slammed it down into the table, splitting his trencher in two and splattering his mantle with drippings. “There’s my lord husband.” His sister reached down inside her gown and drew a dirk from between her breasts. “And here’s my sweet suckling babe.” 

Everyone starts roaring with laughter at Theon, and he knows it. Even Victarion, who BTW was not made for dancing, laughs. Balon, too. He smiles. Theon attempts to grin back like he’s in on the joke, but everyone knows the truth.

Asha removes the dagger and tells Theon to heed her counsel about choosing a good crew. Theon needs to know his crew, much like if Theon had bothered to learn one damn thing about Sigirn, he wouldn’t have been fooled by Asha. 

“Ten years a wolf, and you land here and think to prince about the islands, but you know nothing and no one. Why should men fight and die for you? “

“I am their lawful prince,” Theon said stiffly.

“By the laws of the green lands, you might be. But we make our own laws here, or have you forgotten?” 

Theon scowls and begins fuming about how he came back to the Iron Islands only to face mockery. This wasn’t how he remembered things. Or … was it maybe that Theon had been too young and hadn’t known the truth. I’m sure Theon will figure things out soon enough.

But then Balon rises from the Seastone chair and states that it’s well past time to get to the war shit. He has a “plan” to announce. Theon jumps up to please his dad, but Asha makes fun of him for rushing off. When Theon’s like, but dad said … Asha says that she’s not going to rush about. But if Theon wants to go sprinting after his dad and uncles, it’ll be an easy task given how Aeron is drunk on seawater, and Victarion is, and I love this, “a great grey bullock so dim he’ll probably get lost.” So, Theon sits his ass back down, saying he’s not gonna run after any man. 

“No man, but every woman?”

“It was not me who grabbed your cock.”

“I don’t have one, remember? You grabbed every other bit of me quick enough.”

He could feel the flush creeping up his cheeks. “I’m a man with a man’s hungers. What sort of unnatural creature are you?”

“Only a shy maid.” Asha’s hand darted out under the table to give his cock a squeeze. Theon nearly jumped from his chair. “What, don’t you want me to steer you into port, brother?”

“Marriage is not for you,” Theon decided. “When I rule, I believe I will pack you off to the silent sisters.”

Theon jumps to his feet and runs after Balon. No, no. It’s definitely not because he wants to avoid getting verbally incinerated again by Asha. No way. Theon is a big strong man. He just really needs to go see what Balon is planning!

Theon stumbles out to the rope bridge of the Sea Tower and is able to unsteadily make it across the bridge, gripping the ropes tightly, pretending like a little kid, that it’s Asha’s neck he’s grabbing. He finds Balon under all those lovely sealskin robes. When Balon sees his “son”, he immediately announces his plan. Theon has a few suggestions, but good dad Balon tell him that when he wants Theon’s opinion, he’ll give it to the boy.

Anyways, when the Drumms and Stonehouses arrive at Pyke, they’re going to sail. Theon will have the “honor” of drawing first blood by taking eight ships and raiding the Stony Shore. If all goes well, Theon will draw the northern lords out of their castles. And Theon will have the helpful advisers of Nuncle Aeron and Dagmer Cleftjaw with him. Damphair intoes about the Drowned God, but Theon fumes.

Theon felt as if he’d been slapped. He was being sent to do reaver’s work, burning fishermen out of their hovels and raping their ugly daughters, and yet it seemed Lord Balon did not trust him sufficiently to do even that much. Bad enough to have to suffer the Damphair’s scowls and chidings. With Dagmer Cleftjaw along as well, his command would be purely nominal. 

But then Balon turns to Asha, my daughter. Ouch. She’s going to take thirty longships and raid at Sea Dragon point. She’ll land north of Deepwood Motte and take the castle. Asha likes this idea and says she’s always wanted a castle. Theon, still fuming, knows Deepwood Motte and thinks he should have been granted Deepwood. 

But before Theon can stew some more, Balon then turns to Victarion and orders him to sail up the Saltspear and Fever River. Victarion will land outside of Deepwood Motte and take the castle, cutting Robb Stark from his ability to come back north. And the Lannisters will cut him off to the south. He’ll be trapped, muahahahaha, evil laugh. 

Theon could keep silent no longer. “A bold plan, Father, but the lords in their castles-”

Lord Balon rode over him. “The lords are gone south with the pup. Those who remained behind are the cravens, old men, and green boys. They will yield or fall, one by one. Winterfell may defy us for a year, but what of it? The rest shall be ours, forest and field and hall, and we shall make the folk our thralls and salt wives.” 

Okay, buddy. Not really sure about the strategy behind all this, but okay. 

Damphair intones piously about the Drowned God spreading his dominion through the lands. Everyone, even a reluctant Theon, does their “What is dead may never die” chant to each other, and the grand master strategy session of history’s greatest dumbass comes to a close. Wait, what? Dumbass? Why would you say such things, Jeff? Because I can, and I’m right.

Theon emerges outside of the Sea Tower as rain falls and wind blows. He tries crossing the rope bridge, but a gust of wind makes him stumble to his knees.

Asha helped him rise. “You can’t hold your wine either, brother.”

Theon leaned on her shoulder and let her guide him across the rainslick boards. “I liked you better when you were Esgred,” he told her accusingly.

She laughed. “That’s fair. I liked you better when you were nine.” 

And that is ACOK, Theon II: the “Let’s laugh at Theon” chapter of ASOIAF. What’d you think of this chapter, Emmett?

Depth

This is one of those chapters that makes me want to get a mindwipe so I could read it again for the first time. Theon II is a perfect slice of comedy, a steadily building joke that Theon realizes far too late is on him. This time through, I thought of the whole chapter from Asha’s perspective, and it got even funnier. She must have heard about his arrival while on Harlaw visiting their mother; presumably she thought Theon might pose a threat to her hard-won status as Balon’s heir. She had to feel him out, see what she was up against with this new rival. And then 30 seconds into the conversation, she clearly thought to herself “oh, ok. He’s a complete tool! No threat here whatsoever...time to have some fun.” And so she does, and so do we. 

Before there was the British and its far-superior American version of The Office, before Curb Your Enthusiasm, before Veep, before “cringe comedy” was a term in common usage, there was George RR Martin and the cringe comedy of ACOK, Theon II. One of my favorite aspects of this being a re-read podcast is that by knowing the reveal of Esgred/Asha ahead of time, we can enjoy how badly Theon is fucking himself up.

But speaking a little more about cringe comedy, it has immense value in setting a target on the back of transgressive behavior through the most subversive of means: mockery. We laugh at Michael Scott’s behavior, because of how wrong it is. And we laugh at Theon, because all of his arrogance, his sense of entitlement, those, and we should be honest about it, rapey vibes he puts out: they and Theon all get comeuppance through the Asha reveal and the mass mockery that gets levied onto Theon by chapter’s end.

• Opening flirtation
  • I was comparing this chapter as I read it to another chapter largely devoted to the introduction of a single character: ASOS Tyrion V with Oberyn Martell
  • That chapter takes its time building up to the introduction of Oberyn, putting him in context with Dornish heraldry and Tyrion’s increasingly nervous thoughts
  • But in this chapter, Asha’s introduction happens immediately, with zero context, and the chapter hurtles forward from there, because the author is hiding her true identity and so benefits from keeping the audience a step behind
  • It’s a noticeable stylistic break, especially on reread when you know why
  • Theon II sets its tone immediately by opening with a sex joke equating women with a boat. Storytellers have always drawn links between our sexual desires and the vessels we construct around us, especially those meant for war
  • For Theon, though, his new boat represents both his dick and the women he wants to stick it in. We see the former assocation throughout the chapter:
    • "Fat with child, and talking of twins."
      
      "So soon?" Esgred smiled that wicked smile. "You got your oar in the water quickly."
      
      "Aye, and stroked and stroked and stroked," roared the man.
    • "Would you make me your captain for the night, my lord prince?" She had the wickedest smile he'd ever seen on a woman.
      
      "I might. If I knew you'd steer me safe into port."
      
      "Well, I know which end of the oar goes in the sea, and there's no one better with ropes and knots."
    • Asha's hand darted out under the table to give his cock a squeeze. Theon nearly jumped from his chair. "What, don't you want me to steer you into port, brother?"
  • You can also see it in Theon’s comments about how his boat isn’t as big as his dad’s or uncle’s, but it still looks sweet and has a nice ram...eh? Eh???
  • The same dynamic is at work with his horse Smiler: Theon describes him as not as big as most destriers, which is fine because Theon isn’t quite as big as a knight...but hey ladies, he’s still aggressive and fiery and TOO MUCH for some!!
  • This is all the funnier on reread when you know that his uncle Aeron named his boat the Golden Storm and wanted to shape its ram like a dick
  • So there’s a clear boat-penis association here befitting the violent masculine ideal of the Old Way Ironborn: we sail out from here to fuck Westeros bloody
  • On the other hand, Theon starts the chapter by comparing his first boat to his first sexual partner, and then compares it to Asha, and then names it Sea Bitch
  • We call boats “she,” after all! So which is it: are they the screw, or the screwed?
  • I think what this confusion is getting at is the sexual dynamic between Theon and Asha; he thinks he’s the screw, but he’s getting screwed
  • He thinks he’s on top, but as she says, she likes to be on top. She’s actually in charge; she’s wearing the pants, so to speak, and he just doesn’t know it
  • That goes hand in hand with Theon describing Asha as having a man’s appetites, and Balon referring to both of them as “my sons”
  • In short: Theon thinks he’s in charge because he has a dick and a boat, but Asha knows the boats better, and she quickly takes command of his dick as well
  • It’s not that Asha actually identifies as a man or has penis envy, it’s that she performs Ironborn masculinity better than Theon despite being a woman!
  • All of this, of course, perfectly sets up Ramsay castrating Theon, taking his power and identity away completely where Asha challenges them for fun
  • Anyway, to drill down to specifics: Theon immediately sees that Asha belongs here. Ironborn at a glance, moving like she’s used to a deck beneath her feet
  • What he doesn’t (yet) realize that he looks like the opposite, to her and everyone else: a mainland fop who doesn’t know the first thing about a sailor’s life
  • What he uses to compensate, as in Theon I, is sex, because sex is the one domain in which he feels confident and in which he can be in charge
  • He immediately starts hitting on her, with what we could consider the signature Theon mixture of predatory aggression and semi-ironic sweetness
  • Theon knows the script of chivalry, just like Dontos in the godswood in Sansa II, but also like Dontos, Theon keeps giving away that it’s all just a shadow on a wall
  • So on the one hand, he’ll pontificate about how he longs for her and how he’ll die distraught in battle if she doesn’t sleep with him
  • But on the other, he mocks the “princess in a tower” trope and doesn’t even blink an eye about cuckolding the man who built him such a nice ship
  • George is showing us how the shining knight from the songs isn’t the stable foundation of society--it’s an image that can easily be manipulated by people uninterested in living up to chivalric values, wearing them like a mask
  • Maybe the most telling is how Theon frames sex with him as an event worthy of story and song, something to tell your grandkids about; this is in response to Asha saying princes are made the same as other men, so Theon is basically admitting that she’s right, his cock isn’t special in itself
  • It’s only special because he’s “Prince Theon of House Greyjoy,” but that title doesn’t impress anyone besides the captain’s daughter
  • Theon, like so many characters in ASOIAF, is caught between the ideal and the reality, and so winds up the worst of both worlds. We’ll see this again at Winterfell, where he doesn’t even act as an honest conqueror--he actually expects the people to love him like they did Ned Stark!
  • Moreover, George has “Prince” Theon getting turned on by the thought of sexing Esgred, because she’s bound in marriage to Sigirn.
  • It’d be easy for this scene to simply be Theon being a romantic/predatorial dumbass, but Theon’s refrain of trying to get Esgred to break her marriage vows works to service his turncloak to the Stark storyline.
  • Of course, we’ve already seen Theon remembering how he and Patrek Mallister went and visited a “amorous miller’s wife” before he departed Seagard, and we’ll see a much more brutal rendition of this aspect of Theon’s personality w/r/t another miller’s wife outside of Winterfell.
  • But the symbolism of Theon’s transgressive sexuality works as subtle story-building of Theon’s turncloak transgression. 
  • You, a married woman, slept with me. And I, a man who pledged my sword to Robb Stark, betrayed my oath. We’re not so much different, you and I.   
  • This division ultimately reflects how Theon has a foot in both worlds with no clear home or identity in either one
  • Asha keeps talking about outsiders like Euron and the captain’s daughter, and Theon only gradually realizes that she’s actually talking about him
  • As he says: ten years at Winterfell left him far more comfortable going to war with a horse between his legs than a ship beneath them
  • He admits it only in the privacy of his thoughts in this first conversation: he’s never actually captained a ship before, making him...a virgin, you could say?
  • He banishes those thoughts by focusing all his energies on prying open Asha’s legs, but in the process, he misses all the signs that she’s not what she appears
  • That proves her point! That proves those negative thoughts right! This isn’t just Asha dismantling a rival, this is her arranging a case study to demonstrate why he shouldn’t be in charge. This is how he approaches situations, and it’s bad
  • Theon’s trying so hard in this chapter to regain the swaggering equilibrium his father and uncle tore to shreds in Theon I, but by the end, he’s only fallen further
• Walking and riding
  • This opening conversation is self-consciously circular, like a lot of great comedy scenes that call attention to how little has been communicated or accomplished:
    • "The lordling has a honeyed tongue."
      
      "Isn't that where we began?"
      
      She threw up her hands. "And where we end.”
  • From there, they set out into Lordsport; the camera widens to take in more than just the two of them, and we see in detail how Asha is at home and Theon isn’t
  • He hilariously thinks that everyone is getting silent and bending their heads respectfully to him, when of course it’s for Asha, the true heir, widely beloved
  • The beautiful irony of Theon saying “they have finally learned who I am” when he hasn’t learned who his companion really is!
  • But it’s also so telling that Theon would just blindly believe that everyone would eventually accept him as their superior with no work on his part required
  • This is all he was waiting for. He was never planning on earning his place through sweat equity. We’ll see that again when he talks with Dagmer 
  • Again, it’s the worst of both worlds: Theon is an ambitious slacker, and so can cause much more damage than a properly lazy slacker ever could
  • He wants to be on top, and he knows he needs men loyal to him rather than to the rest of his family, but he has no idea how to make that happen
  • Asha, by contrast, knows everyone’s name, profession, family history, exactly how to talk to each one. She knows when to say “what is dead may never die”
  • Is Asha greeting everyone and knowing the small matters of their personal lives the best Greyjoy equivalent to Ned Stark’s: "Know the men who follow you," she heard [Ned] tell Robb once, "and let them know you. Don't ask your men to die for a stranger."?
  • There’s a Stark-like quality to Asha, and I wonder whether that’s the literary turn that George utilizes in making her the most sympathetic Greyjoy in the story
  • I’m very curious how Asha was able to attain this leadership trait given that Balon doesn’t exemplify this at any point in our interactions with him!
  • Theon, though, was raised by Ned Stark, but because Theon knew that he was a hostage to Balon’s good behavior. Recall Theon’s memories from his first chapter:
  • Lord Eddard had raised him among his own children, but Theon had never been one of them … Lord Eddard had tried to play the father from time to time, but to Theon he had always remained the man who'd brought blood and fire to Pyke and taken him from his home. As a boy, he had lived in fear of Stark's stern face and great dark sword. 
  • Remember Theon kicking Gared’s head after Ned beheaded the man? Remember Jon calling him an ass for that? 
  • Looking back at that event with the first two Theon chapters in mind, it reads like Theon doing everything within his limited power to reject the Stark solemnity regarding execution.
  • And I think this small example could be a microcosm of Theon’s relationship with the ideology of his former captors.
  • My sense is that Theon’s resentment and fear of Ned Stark led him to reject the principles of his “foster” father -- perhaps tossing aside the “know your men” mantra in favor of an arrogant, dismissive attitude towards “the work.”
  • Come ADWD, Theon will be course-corrected by Ramsay and come to know the names of the people around him all while knowing his own name as “Reek.”
  • Theon can’t do any of this right, and no one’s even bothering to talk to him
  • The emotional core of all this, what makes you relate to Theon despite him being such a tremendous prick, is moments like this:
    • "I have been too long away to know one man from another," Theon admitted. He'd looked for a few of the friends he'd played with as a boy, but they were gone, dead, or grown into strangers.
  • Even if Theon was more humble and hardworking, he’d still be completely alone in what’s supposed to be his home
  • Still, it’s hard to feel too sorry for him when he’s manhandling Wex and dismissing the captain’s daughter and copping a feel at every turn
  • As I said in Theon I: I feel sympathy for Theon regarding what people with power over him do to him, but none at all for how he uses his power over other people
  • His fragile identity, his overcompensating sexuality, his pathetic stabs at authoritarianism mixed with songs-and-stories naivete: all of this is played for laughs here, but it will get significantly darker when Theon returns to the North
  • Asha continues her interrogation of Theon’s political and cultural isolation when the conversation turns from ships and their crews to House Greyjoy
  • Theon asserts that he is the heir, in the same breath that he acknowledges that his father doesn’t treat him that way
  • Little does he know that he’s fondling the major reason why Balon doesn’t treat him like the heir: because he has another option he has come to much prefer
  • Asha mildly pushes back on Theon’s status as the heir, pointing out that his uncles might want a piece of the pie
  • Once more, Theon doesn’t really have a plan other than hoping for the best. Yes, Aeron and Victarion are born cronies, but they knuckle under to Balon specifically because he’s led the ideal masculine Old Way life. Theon very much has not.
  • Theon’s already seen that Aeron has no respect for him! This is delusional! Same goes for “maybe Euron’s dead??” That’s not a plan, buddy...
  • And then Asha brings up herself, and all Theon can do is envision her as the child she was; this exposes the alienation at the heart of Theon’s power fantasy
  • His impression of the Iron Islands is permanently stuck in childhood; the Islands (and his family) have moved on, while he has been unable to do so in Winterfell
  • He is not only a stranger here, he is so estranged that he doesn’t even know it, the same way a fish doesn’t notice water
  • All he has to offer is his cock and his image, the person he wants to be from the stories and songs, which is precisely how Asha unlocks him
    • "It's a cruel lordling who's seized me. If I promise you that one day you may watch my babe get suck, will you tell me more of your war, Theon of House Greyjoy? There are miles and mountains still ahead of us, and I would hear of this wolf king you served, and the golden lions he fights."
      
      Ever anxious to please her, Theon obliged. The rest of the long ride passed swiftly as he filled her pretty head with tales of Winterfell and war. Some of the things he said astonished him.
  • Even Theon is astonished at what he’s giving away here, but what he doesn’t seem to understand is that war stories about him fighting alongside Ned Stark’s son don’t make him impressive in Ironborn eyes. They make him an outsider.
• The reveal
  • At this point, as a first-time reader, you may be wondering if this is really all this chapter is going to be: Theon Greyjoy Gradually Gets Laid
  • Theon’s clueless arrogance dominated Theon I as well, of course, but we had a clear sense of direction from the start: the paper as good as a crown, or is it...
  • In this chapter, we get a sudden twist that completely changes our understanding of what it’s been about, and the humor takes on a whole new dimension
  • This isn’t just some random woman Theon’s been inflicting his insecurities on; he’s been giving himself away to his major rival, and also feeling up his sister
  • And the moment of the reveal is designed to make perfectly clear that she has won that power struggle before it even really began
  • The dogs love her, whereas Theon only kicks and snarls at them. The stableman ignores him completely, to welcome Asha home with a smile
  • In this moment, the full weight of time and distance crashes in on Theon:
    • He realized suddenly that there were two Ashas in his head. One was the little girl he had known. The other, more vaguely imagined, looked something like her mother. Neither looked a bit like this...this...this...
  • He was not prepared to come home at any level: not politically, not culturally, and not personally. He was getting hard on his own macho identity, and now he’s left with blue balls and the realization that he has no idea who he or anyone else is
  • Asha, appropriately, turns it all back on the body:
    • "The pimples went when the breasts came," she explained while she tussled with a dog, "but I kept the vulture's beak."
  • But then she gets to the core of things:
    • Theon found his voice. "Why didn't you tell me?"
      
      Asha let go of the hound and straightened. "I wanted to see who you were first. And I did."
  • She handled her arrival on Pyke so much better than he did, getting information without giving any, using all of her strengths, turning weaknesses into strengths
  • It’s a ferociously intelligent act, coupled with utter fearlessness and a lack of concern with taboo
  • It’s such an intense performance that Theon, the eternal peacock, is left gaping
  • He can only relive the shame of it later as his erection wilts along with his remaining self-confidence 
  • Just for a moment, he achieves clarity, seeing himself as he truly is…
    • He could not possibly have made a more appalling fool of himself.
  • ...and then immediately, he shuts it down:
    • No, he thought then. She was the one who made me a fool. The evil bitch must have enjoyed every moment of it.
    • I have no place here, he thought, and Asha is the reason, may the Others take her!
  • Here we learn all we need to know, really, about how the rest of Theon’s arc in this book is going to go. The setting and stakes change, but this drive does not
  • Asha thoroughly disarmed him, robbing him not only of his presumed place in Ironborn hierarchy, but the sexual confidence that is at the core of the identity he came up with during his formative years on the mainland
  • Theon is terrified of starting his identity over from scratch, again, especially in what was supposed to be the cradle of his restoration and self-actualization
  • So he externalizes all the blame, his insecurity manifesting as resentment, and he latches onto Asha not only because she personally humiliated him, not only because she’s taken his place as heir, but because she rendered him completely undignified at the core of his self-image. She’ll never be impressed by him.
  • And Theon needs people to be impressed by him; he will murder children to avoid being laughed at. Asha is a laughing storm, his worst nightmare.
• Yet another dinner scene
  • Didn’t notice until this reread how we get several chapters in a row clustered around the dinner table, each from a different perspective
  • We’ve been the host (Bran), a welcome guest (Catelyn), a not-so-welcome guest (Jon), and now Theon: a guest who wants to be the host, but is being rejected
  • They’re playing the finger game as he comes in, just another Ironborn tradition that leaves him on the outside
  • As in Lordsport, as in the approach to the castle, no one pays him the slightest attention. As he approaches the Seastone Chair, font of Ironborn identity from which all Greyjoy authority flows, Theon sees Asha next in line for it.
    • Theon took the empty seat beside Asha. Leaning close, he hissed in her ear, "You're in my place."
      
      She turned to him with innocent eyes. "Brother, surely you are mistaken. Your place is at Winterfell." Her smile cut. 
  • This knife cuts even deeper than the previous ones, because Asha is getting at the same roadblock Aeron did in Theon I: everyone sees him as a Stark
  • His place is at Winterfell, where his presence won’t bring shame on everyone, where he won’t remind these fools drunk on their own image that the last time they tried this, they got their asses kicked by the supposedly inferior mainlanders
  • Again, even if he wasn’t the most useless entitled gasbag in Westeros, Theon would never have been able to get around this image as an outsider
  • And something I like about Asha’s character is that she understands this deep down, and for all her mockery, her intentions toward Theon aren’t actually malign
  • As she points out in this scene, she did give him genuinely good advice, and she tries to make him understand that his attitude is the problem
  • This is Asha’s version of tough love, humiliating Theon in the hopes of building him back up into a better man
  • But what she doesn’t (yet) understand is that Theon’s identity is so fragile that he’ll bolt in the direction of performative bloodshed rather than follow her lead
  • Asha, on the other hand, is fully invested in her performance--hence the husband and suckling babe routine which gets everyone on her side
  • Asha is a force of pure charisma, like Robert in his prime; Balon is smiling, Victarion greets her fondly in AFFC, and Aeron admits in the privacy of his thoughts in “The Forsaken” that she was his favorite of Balon’s children
  • Even Euron laughs when Asha mocks Erik Ironmaker at the kingsmoot!
  • But this is not because Asha was born this way--she had to cultivate this persona in order to be accepted as Balon’s heir, hence her mockery of his clothes
  • The husband-and-suckling-babe routine isn’t just a fun way of taking li’l bro down a peg--it’s a way of answering the inevitable question about why she’s in charge 
  • It grounds the gender transition in the imagery of reaving, of Old Way violence
  • Again, Asha just performs this role better than Theon, and he will commit atrocities that make even her flinch in order to outdo her
• The Master Plan (so to speak) 
  • It’s only fitting that this chapter closes with a comedy bit of Theon stumbling into Balon’s chamber, and everyone stopping their pleasantries to get on with the plan to spend the least amount of time around Theon.
  • But now that we’re all assembled, it’s now time for Balon Greyjoy, Lord Reaper of Pyke to bring his strategic vision for how the ironborn will defeat the North!
  • Theon’s role: shaping operation 1
    • Harass the stony shore, bring lords and garrisons out of their castles
  • Asha’s role: shaping operation 2
    • Take Deepwood Motte
  • Victarion’s role: Decisive Operation
    • Seize and hold Moat Cailin 
    • Balon rationalizes that if they can seal Robb Stark from re-entering the North, they have the war as good as won.
    • The Lannisters will push up from the south as the hammer. Victarion will be the anvil
    • But what about the men the North has left behind?
    • They’re just cravens and boys. Nothing to worry about; so, says Balon.
    • And then Winterfell will very definitely surrender within a year, and they get to make everyone thralls and salt wives.
  • Holy shit, this is extremely dumb even by Balon Greyjoy standards
    • First, the geopolitical strategy of it all
      • Like we’ve talked about with Tyrion and Renly, they only imagine scenarios where everything goes exactly as they’ve planned
      • Balon follows suit, but he compounds this arrogance by not asking first when he could have -- at least Renly was smart enough to grab up a puppet master BENEFACTOR in the Tyrells and the Reach before striking off. Tyrion, too, is working to bring Dorne into the orbit of the Iron Throne.
      • But Balon refuses to ask anyone for help -- even when their interests coincide.
      • At some point down the road, Balon is going to do a bit of post-facto asking, but Tywin’s going to see through this in ASOS: "King Balon's longships are occupied for the nonce," Lord Tywin said politely, "as are we. Greyjoy demands half the kingdom as the price of alliance, but what will he do to earn it? Fight the Starks? He is doing that already. Why should we pay for what he has given us for free? 
      • So, like we talked about back in Catelyn I and Theon I, Balon Greyjoy is forsaking any useful allies when there are allies available until he decides that he really needs those allies. 
      • But then, what’s Balon’s imagined end state and the end of this glorious invasion?
      • “The rest shall be ours, forest and field and hall, and we shall make the folk our thralls and salt wives.”
      • Pure “crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women” barbarism
      • But this end ensures that the entire North is going to fight to the death rather than surrender.
      • The ironborn offer nothing besides chains, rape and if you somehow evade both of those fates, they’ll make sure you face certain death when their livestock and cattle are stolen
      • So, it’s going to be a fight to the death sort of deal across tens of thousands of square miles of unfamiliar territory
    • Bad Tactics, AKA Balon forgets that White Harbor exists and that Moat Cailin also faces to the north
      • Balon compounds his idiotic geopolitical strategy by choosing an invasion of the North which targets only one half of the region
      • Guess what location is never mentioned in this grand strategy? Okay. It’s probably better if talk about the locations Balon specifically mentions: Stony Shore, Deepwood Motte, Moat Cailin and Winterfell!
      • No mention of, oh, say Bear Island, Last Hearth, Torrhen’s Square, Barrowton, the Dreadfort, Karhold and especially White Harbor
      • Balon sort-of rolls all of these locations up in terms of their military power as cravens, old men, and green boys
      • But we, as readers, know that’s not the case. There’s a significant military force remaining in the North -- concentrated especially around White Harbor.
      • In AGOT, we learn that Robb has ordered most of the Manderlys and their vassal hosts to remain in the North.
      • But it’s not just the reader who knows this information. Theon knows it too! He’s sat in war councils with Robb. He’s present when Catelyn arrives with Wylis and Wendel Manderly at Moat Cailin.
      • And speaking of Moat Cailin: hey, Balon, I know you’re all about “sealing off the south causeway to Moat Cailin”, are you aware that there’s another causeway from the north? Just wondering.
      • Robb is going to make this point explicitly in ASOS -- planning to utilize the northern causeway into Moat Cailin.
      • And that leads me to my second point about how this is a colossal tactical blunder on Balon Greyjoy’s part.
      • Balon fails to utilize the one person in his war council who is familiar with the North: Theon!
      • Because of Balon Greyjoy’s wounded pride and rejection of his son, he refuses to even consider Theon’s ideas about the North
      • "I have some suggestions—"
        
        "When I require your counsel I shall ask for it," his father said. 
      • At one level, the reader is primed to laugh at Theon getting sucker-punched again, and yeah, you can imagine Balon rolling his eyes at this “kid” trying to play general in the war.
      • But on another level, this is just fucking bonkers!
      • Yeah, Theon’s a braggart, but he’s not lying about being a part of Brynden Tully’s picked scouts and participating in the Battle of the Whispering Wood and the Battle of the Camps. 
      • So, the boy’s got some military experience under his belt.
      • But Balon is making a much more colossal error in refusing to even hear Theon out.
      • Theon didn’t just live in the North for ten years. He visited all of the castles, towns and cities as Ned Stark’s ward. 
      • He knows the defenses, personalities, political divisions that the Greyjoys could exploit.
      • You can easily imagine a scenario where Balon gets in the inside scoop on things like, oh I don’t know, the potential to exploit the Hornwood Inheritance Crisis, how Lady Dustin holds the Starks in contempt, the simmering tension between the Umbers-Manderlys, etc.
      • But Balon won’t hear any of this, because … like we were saying in Theon I, Balon has a sad and can’t let go of the deep psychological scars leftover from his failure of a first rebellion.
    • Balon’s Immoral, Unjust war or why St. Augustine thinks Balon Greyjoy is a fucking moron
    • Two years back, NY Times writer Rukmini Callimachi releases her incredible Caliphate podcast detailing the rise, rule and fall of ISIS.
    • One of the most heartbreaking episodes detailed ISIS’ siege and attempted genocide of the Yazidi peoples on the Sinjar Mountain.
    • What I didn’t know prior to listening to that episodes was that ISIS targeted the Yazidi people, because they were polytheists, not “people of the book”. And they could force Yazidi women into sexual slavery, kill the men and enslave the children
    • Coming back to this chapter and getting Balon’s perspective on why he wants to invade the North, Balon more than a little resembles that mentality. 
    • Recall Balon’s expected reward for this invasion: 
    • “The rest shall be ours, forest and field and hall, and we shall make the folk our thralls and salt wives."
    • So, Balon’s entire aim is to conquer the land and make the people slaves of the ironborn.
    • Remind me again why Balon Greyjoy is never cited as among the biggest monsters in ASOIAF again?
    • But hey, we can sound smart about Balon Greyjoy and bring in our old friend St. Augustine to talk about just war theory and why Balon fails every ethical principle of war.
      • Right authority 
      • Right intention 
      • Reasonable hope 
      • Proportionality
      • Last resort
  • It’s clear on reread that Balon is making the same mistakes as Theon, just on a larger scale
  • Just as Theon strolled into the Iron Islands assuming everyone would step to and recognize him as the heir, Balon intends on controlling the North through sheer ubermensch force of will. Both of them come up hard against reality.
  • The Old Way delusion’s effect on strategy mutates “we can win, and here’s how” into “we will win, because god says we’re inherently the best”
  • You can see traces of the former in Balon’s strategy--he knows they need Moat Cailin to bottle Robb up in the south, he knows they need a base in the interior, he knows it would be good to draw out and scatter some lords if possible
  • But there’s no follow-through, no next step after the initial shock. Balon leaves his soldiers in place for six months and then dies when Euron comes home
  • Theon, for all his follies, knows enough to speak up here:
  • As you pointed out, White Harbor alone offers a potent challenge to Ironborn rule, let alone all the other men left in the North
  • Balon got lucky that he invaded during the Hornwood crisis (of which he appears ignorant), and even luckier that said crisis empowered Ramsay’s rise to power
  • Otherwise, Ser Rodrik would’ve rallied the North in Bran’s name at Winterfell, kicked Asha out of Deepwood Motte even quicker than Stannis, and presumably made plans to attack Victarion at Moat Cailin in conjunction with Robb
  • Even Asha, the relatively smart one in the room, can only see her own prospects:
  • Theon, meanwhile, can’t leverage the one useful asset he has, and is reduced to being babysat by actual experienced reavers
  • Balon is left with his dick in the wind just like Theon, who is robbed of dignity one last time at chapter’s end when he can’t hold his wine and must lean on Asha
  • And she helps him across the bridge where their father will die, indicating once more that for all Asha’s merciless taboo-breaking power play, she does have Theon’s best interests at heart, unlike their father and uncles
  • George closes out Theon II with one more perfect devastating joke:
  • Theon is still lost in the projection, the fantasy, the songs and stories his dick loves so much. He’s a man child...and Asha wishes he was still a literal child
  • On a personal level, politics aside, this cuts deeper than anything else she’s said
  • She missed her little brother, the nine year old she knew, and he’s been replaced by this bumbling narcissist whose brain defers to his dick and who hates her now
  • Everything that happened to Theon since Ned Stark and Robert Baratheon came to break his childhood, all the experiences that have made him the man who swaggered into POV status: Asha wishes he could just take it all back
  • By book’s end, Theon will too. He’ll want to take so much back. But he can’t, and neither can she, and neither can Dad. They’ve rolled the dice to their doom.

Foreshadowing/Groundwork

As with Theon I, we see George working hard to set up my own favorite child, Euron Crowseye. Here we learn that he has a terrible reputation both at home and abroad. George will expand upon this at length in AFFC, when Euron defies Asha’s prediction here and wins the Seastone Chair despite being a relative outsider--or perhaps because he’s a relative outsider.

One of the men Asha speaks to in Lordsport is named Qarl, which is a common name on the Iron Islands...but maybe this is the one who later developed into Qarl the Maid, Asha’s lover?

Speaking of which, Asha’s not kidding when she says she likes to be on top; we see the proof with Qarl at Deepwood Motte in A Dance with Dragons. It’s one of George’s better sex scenes, though that’s not saying much!

As Theon says, if he doesn’t like his father’s plans or his part in them, he’s willing to go off-script. He will do so in his later chapters, taking Winterfell before sealing his own doom at Ramsay’s hands. 

That’s my cursed luck, I kill the poor. And he will again: those poor miller’s boys in the North, their bodies used to stand in for the rich Starklings.

Theon comments that Smiler (his horse) is a “hellhorse” and has “fire in his eyes”. This is some horrific foreshadowing of what happens to poor, poor Smiler at the end of ACOK. Theon’s final lines in his POV until ADWD: The last thing Theon Greyjoy saw was Smiler, kicking free of the burning stables with his mane ablaze, screaming, rearing . . .

Theory/Discussion

We here at the NotACast generally love Theon’s storyline in Season 2 of Game of Thrones--it’s one of the best parts of the show! But there are elements of tone and character that play very differently than in the books, and this chapter provides the perfect opportunity to talk about that.

Conclusion

• Thanks for listening!
• Rate and review us on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Soundcloud, Podbean etc.
• Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/notacastasoiaf
• Follow us on Twitter @NotACastASOIAF, email us at NotACastASOIAF@gmail.com
• Emmett’s social media, Jeff’s social media
• Thank you to our High Lords and Ladies on patreon!
  • Lord of the Squishers and Warden of the Deep
  • Lady of a Thousand Words
  • Septon Eastwood of Introvert Isle
  • Septon Merrybald, the Shoeless Sage
  • Lady Madeleine Rivers, Justiciar of the Trident
  • Sister Winter - Lady of the Wolfswood
  • Nessie the Elusive, warden of the Neck, Defender of the North and Keeper of Secrets
  • Sandie the Dragon, Blood of Queen Daenerys & Lady of Jameson
  • Lady Britt, Bastard Mistress of Harrenhal
  • Ser Thomas the Raven Knight, Lord of Blackwood 
  • Ser Tim: The Knight Who Was Guided By Voices
  • Ser Cortnay, "What did the Five Fingers Say to the Face" Penrose
  • Lady Dilsdale, the StarSpear of Crescent Hill
  • Ser Way of Course
  • Matt, Warden of the Sanguine Shore
  • Lord MarConnington, Heir to Griffin's Roost
  • Lord Sam K
  • Ser Michael Mertyns
• Join us next week for Tyrion VI, as Tyrion bonds with Cersei over their joy at Renly and Stannis fighting each other...only for him to poison her. Gotta love all these healthy respectful sibling relationships in ACOK!