[TBBT] Ch: 11 [Two Hi’s Too Many] (Patreon)

I almost said it again.

The third Hi was already sitting at the back of my throat, ready to escape and permanently destroy every claim I'd made upstairs about being better prepared for this moment than Leonard.

I stopped myself just in time.

'Absolutely fucking not. Two is already bad enough.'

For someone with two doctorates, perfect memory, a supernatural System, and twenty-three years of experience from another life, apparently meeting my old television crush reduced my conversational abilities to those of a malfunctioning parrot.

Penny was still smiling at me, though there was a little amusement in her expression now.

I forced my brain back online, stepped farther into the doorway, and extended my hand. "Sorry about that. My conversational skills needed a second attempt. I'm Karl Peterson."

Her smile widened as she took my hand. "Penny. Penny... just Penny is fine."

Her hand was warm, and for approximately half a second my brain decided this information deserved far more attention than it reasonably should've received.

'Focus, idiot.'

This wasn't Kaley Cuoco appearing on a screen while I sat somewhere eating instant noodles after work. This was Penny standing inside Apartment 4B with several moving boxes scattered behind her, smiling at me because I'd walked over and introduced myself.

And apparently my brain still hadn't decided how to deal with that information. 

I released her hand before holding it long enough to become creepy. "Penny. That's considerably easier to remember than whatever introduction I was about to invent after saying hello twice."

"Were you planning something impressive?" She asked, brushing a strand of blond hair away from her face. 

"Absolutely. There would've been confidence, charm, probably a joke somewhere in the middle. Then you looked at me and the entire speech suffered catastrophic system failure," I answered.

Okay.

That came out considerably smoother.

Maybe I wasn't completely hopeless.

Penny said, "Well, you recovered pretty fast."

"I have years of experience pretending everything is under control."

"That's a useful skill."

"It has carried me through most of adulthood so far," I replied before looking around her apartment.

There.

A full conversation.

Already better than Leonard's original performance.

My confidence recovered approximately twelve percent.

There were several boxes stacked around the living room, with some already opened and others sitting exactly where the movers had apparently dropped them. A lamp leaned against one wall while a rolled-up rug rested near the couch.

"Looks like you picked the traditional Pasadena decorating style," I said while gesturing toward the boxes. "Cardboard everywhere with a strong emphasis on lower-back injuries."

"Yeah, I think I'm really pulling the whole homeless-with-a-lease look together."

"Give it a week. I was doing the same thing upstairs."

She looked toward the ceiling for a moment. "You live upstairs?"

"Apartment 5B. I moved in recently, so technically I have seniority around here by several days," I said.

"Wow, I should probably show some respect, then."

"I'd appreciate that. I've worked very hard for my position in the building hierarchy."

That got another laugh from her, and some of the tension I'd been carrying since walking downstairs finally loosened.

This wasn't impossible.

She was just a person.

A ridiculously attractive person who'd been my television crush during my first life, but still technically a person. 

I glanced over the boxes scattered around her living room once more. "I went through this exact cardboard nightmare last week, so if you need another pair of hands, I can help."

Penny followed my gaze and released a tired laugh. "You sure? Because I own way more crap than I thought. You don't really notice how much stuff you have until you're staring at twenty boxes wondering where any of it came from."

"Trust me, I understand. I somehow moved into 5B with enough books to make it look like I was opening a private library."

Penny glanced toward the mess behind her, then hooked both thumbs into the pockets of her shorts. "Actually, if you're serious about helping, I could definitely use a pair of hands for the furniture. The movers got everything inside, but some of it still needs unwrapping, and a couple pieces are way heavier than they looked in the store."

"Sure, I can help with that," I replied, stepping farther inside before my brain could invent another reason to act nervous.

Thankfully, the System had excellent timing. It gave me a physical boost. What are the odds, huh?

The first problem was a small wooden cabinet wrapped in enough plastic and cardboard to survive atmospheric reentry. Once we stripped everything away, Penny grabbed one side while I took the other. I expected some resistance when we lifted it, but the weight barely registered compared to what it should've felt like.

That physical upgrade was already earning its keep.

Penny noticed too. "Okay, either this thing isn't as heavy as I thought, or you've been hiding some serious muscle under that shirt."

"I'm voting for deceptive packaging," I replied while carrying my side toward the wall she pointed at.

She laughed and helped guide it into position. "Fine, mysterious upstairs muscle guy. Put it right there before I decide you're useful enough to keep." 

We spent the next half hour opening boxes, moving a side table, positioning a bookcase, and dragging her couch a few inches until Penny finally decided it looked right. She changed her mind twice, which I wisely chose not to comment on.

While we worked, Penny glanced toward the open front door. "So, what are the neighbors like around here? Anyone I should avoid before I accidentally borrow sugar from a serial killer?"

"The two guys across the hall are Leonard and Sheldon," I said while peeling tape from another box. "Leonard's nice. He's an experimental physicist, pretty normal once you adjust for the fact that half his conversations eventually become science."

Penny raised an eyebrow. "Pretty normal doesn't sound very reassuring."

"That's because Sheldon lowers the neighborhood average," I replied. "He's brilliant, extremely particular, obsessed with routines, terrified of germs, and he'll explain exactly why you're doing something wrong even when nobody asked."

She grinned as she folded some packing paper. "So basically, don't touch his stuff."

"That's an excellent survival strategy. Also, if he knocks three times and says your name after every set, don't worry. That's just Sheldon being Sheldon."

Penny stared at me for a second before laughing. "You're joking with me."

"I really wish I were joking."

Penny seemed even more curious after that, though she eventually shrugged and carried another empty box toward the pile near the kitchen. "What about everyone else?"

"Mostly quiet people who keep to themselves," I replied. "You'll probably barely notice them unless something unusual happens."

She nodded, then glanced toward the hallway before her expression shifted slightly. "And what's the deal with the elevator? I saw the Out of Order sign."

I looked toward the doorway. "Yeah, that's been broken for a while."

Penny stared at me. "You're telling me I just moved into the fourth floor of a building with no working elevator?"

"Unfortunately, that's exactly what I'm telling you."

She let out a long groan and rubbed both hands over her face. "Oh, come on. I already carried half my life up those stairs today."

"Look at the bright side. Free cardio comes included with the rent."

Penny pointed at me. "That is absolutely something someone says when they don't live on the fourth floor."

"I live on the fifth," I said, raising an eyebrow.

She paused.

Then she slowly lowered her hand. "Okay, you win."

By the time we finished, the apartment looked considerably less like a warehouse. Penny planted both hands on her hips, thanked me twice for helping her out, and then looked around with obvious satisfaction, then opened her refrigerator and immediately frowned at the empty shelves.

"Great. Furniture's handled, and now I get to experience the glamorous part of moving where I spend a hundred dollars buying ketchup, milk, and things I forgot people actually need."

She closed the refrigerator and looked toward me. "You said you've been here a week, right? Do you know where the nearest supermarket is, or am I about to wander around Pasadena until I find one?"

"I got some things to buy too, so you want to go together?" I asked.

It really took a huge amount of courage to ask her that. Like I could've pointed her toward the supermarket, but... Leap of faith. Hope it works. And I have nothing to buy. Wait! I'm of legal age; maybe I'll buy a pack of beer?

"Yeah, sure," Penny said with a nod and her sweet smile. 

"Let me grab my wallet," I said, walking out of her apartment. 

...

[3rd Person POV]

[The building Stairs]

Sheldon and Leonard were heading upstairs when Sheldon glanced toward his roommate. Leonard was carrying the takeout bags, and he had been unusually quiet since they'd left earlier, and Sheldon had apparently decided the silence required investigation.

"Are you still mad about the sperm bank?"

Leonard kept climbing without looking at him. "No."

Sheldon accepted the answer for approximately half a second before his attention shifted toward the staircase beneath their feet. "You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?"

Leonard already knew how these conversations worked, and experience had taught him that answering honestly rarely prevented Sheldon from continuing. "Not really."

Sheldon continued anyway, watching the steps while they climbed. "If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip."

Leonard glanced down at the stairs despite himself, curiosity winning against his better judgment. "I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right."

Sheldon looked pleased that Leonard had challenged the claim. "No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle."

Leonard looked toward him with a mixture of disbelief and amusement. "Is that why they sent you to boarding school?"

Sheldon kept walking as though causing his father bodily injury through experimental stair modification had been an entirely reasonable childhood activity. "No, that was the result of my work with lasers."

Leonard was about to respond when movement farther up the stairs caught his attention. The door to Apartment 4B was open. It was supposed to be empty. He slowed slightly as he realized someone had finally moved into the apartment across from theirs.

"New neighbour?"

Sheldon followed his gaze toward the open doorway. "Evidently."

Leonard's attention remained fixed on the blond woman moving around inside the apartment. Whatever thoughts he'd been having about Sheldon's childhood experiments immediately disappeared. "Significant improvement over the old neighbour."

Sheldon looked toward the apartment as well, evaluating Leonard's statement with considerably less enthusiasm. "Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is."

Penny noticed them standing outside and turned with an easy smile. "Oh, hi!"

Leonard immediately forgot every normal greeting he'd probably used throughout his adult life. "Hi."

Sheldon responded beside him without any visible difficulty. "Hi."

Leonard remained standing there, staring at Penny with an expression that suggested his brain hadn't realized the introduction was already underway. "Hi."

Sheldon glanced toward him before repeating the greeting with the same straightforward delivery. "Hi."

Penny's smile became slightly uncertain as she looked between the two physicists standing outside her apartment. "Hi?"

Leonard finally forced his brain into something resembling normal operation and gestured vaguely toward Apartment 4A. "We don’t mean to interrupt, we live across the hall."

Penny looked toward the apartment opposite hers before returning her attention toward them. "Oh, you must be Leonard and Sheldon. Karl told me about you two. So, you two live together, huh?"

'Karl?! He met her? Wait! Don't tell me she thinks we are a gay couple.' Leonard suddenly realized exactly how his statement might've sounded, and panic immediately replaced whatever confidence he'd briefly managed to recover. "Oh… uh… no… we don’t live together… um… we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms." He made some hand gestures to make her understand and failed miserably. 

Penny stared at him for a moment while processing an explanation that had somehow made the situation considerably stranger. "Oh, okay, well, guess I’m your new neighbour, Penny."

Leonard gestured between himself and Sheldon. "Leonard, Sheldon."

Penny smiled again, apparently deciding to overlook the heterosexual-bedroom clarification. "Hi."

Leonard responded automatically. "Hi."

Sheldon followed a moment later. "Hi."

Penny looked between them as the greeting somehow began repeating itself. "Hi."

Leonard apparently remained incapable of escaping the loop. "Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building."

Penny's smile softened. "Thank you, maybe we can have coffee sometime."

Leonard brightened immediately at the possibility. "Oh, great."

Penny nodded. "Great."

Sheldon contributed with considerably less emotional investment. "Great."

Leonard repeated the word as though confirmation from everyone involved made the possibility substantially more real. "Great. Well, bye."

 "Bye." Penny gave them another friendly smile.

Sheldon turned toward their door. "Bye."

Leonard lingered for another second before forcing himself to follow. "Bye."

Penny closed the door. 

The moment they stepped inside Apartment 4A, Leonard's thoughts immediately returned to their new neighbor. He glanced toward Sheldon while the other physicist resumed moving through the apartment as though nothing particularly significant had happened. He placed their takeout bags on the kitchen island.

"Should we have invited her for lunch?"

Sheldon didn't hesitate because today's schedule already contained more important entertainment. "No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica."

Leonard frowned as he followed him farther inside. "We already watched the Season Two DVDs."

Sheldon looked toward him as though Leonard had somehow forgotten an obvious distinction. "Not with commentary." He shook his head.

Leonard wasn't willing to let the subject disappear that easily. They had a new neighbor, she seemed friendly, young and he really fell for her at first sight. "I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome."

Sheldon considered the argument and immediately found a historical precedent that supported doing absolutely nothing. "We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over."

Leonard barely paused before answering. "Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle."

Sheldon looked mildly offended by the suggestion that his social network required expansion. "I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on Myspace."

Leonard stared at him. "Yes, and you’ve never met one of them."

Sheldon seemed to regard that as an advantage rather than a flaw. "That’s the beauty of it."

Leonard headed toward the door, having already decided what he was going to do regardless of Sheldon's objections. "I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat."

The word itself made Sheldon look suspicious. "Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline."

Leonard stopped near the door and turned toward him, wondering how somebody capable of understanding concepts that confused most physicists could find ordinary conversation this mysterious. "Well, it’s not difficult; you just listen to what she says, and then you say something appropriate in response."

Sheldon studied him with complete seriousness. "To what end?"

Leonard gave up on explaining and opened the apartment door.

He'd barely stepped into the hallway when he stopped.

Penny was standing outside Apartment 4B, pulling the door closed behind her before checking the lock. She was clearly heading somewhere rather than settling in for the evening.

That alone would've complicated Leonard's plan.

The second complication was standing beside her.

Karl Peterson waited near the stairwell with his hands tucked casually into his pockets, looking considerably more comfortable around Penny than Leonard had managed during their painfully repetitive introduction only minutes earlier.

Karl noticed Leonard. "Hey, Leonard."

"Hey, Karl," Leonard said before looking back toward Penny. "You guys going out?"