[TBBT] Ch: 14 [Your Banana Has Officially Been Taken] (Patreon)

[3rd Person POV]

[Apartment 4A]

Leonard opened the door and barely had enough time to step aside before Howard walked into the apartment carrying an old VHS tape like he'd personally recovered it from the Library of Alexandria. Raj followed behind him with an equally excited expression.

Howard barely waited until the door closed behind him before holding it up proudly. "Wait till you see this."

Raj followed him inside with the kind of excitement normally reserved for major astronomical discoveries. "It’s fantastic. Unbelievable."

Leonard closed the door and walked farther into the room and stopped near the couch, although his attention clearly wasn't on whatever Howard had brought with him. "See what?"

Howard raised the tape higher. "It’s a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974."

That got Sheldon's attention.

He'd been sitting in his spot on the couch with a notebook resting across one knee, but his head immediately lifted. His eyes went straight toward the VHS, and for once something had managed to interrupt whatever calculations had been occupying him without producing irritation.

Leonard barely glanced at the tape. "Yeah, great."

Howard headed toward the television with considerably more enthusiasm. "It’s before he became a creepy computer voice." He straightened his back and adopted a stiff expression before continuing in an exaggerated flat, mechanical cadence. "Good evening. Today I shall discuss gravitational singularities, provided no one has misplaced the universe since breakfast."

Sheldon frowned at Howard's performance. "Mocking Professor Hawking's speech synthesizer is both juvenile and scientifically irrelevant. However, a 1974 MIT lecture could contain interesting insight into the development of his thinking regarding black holes."

Howard stopped his impression and looked pleased. "See? Sheldon gets it."

Raj had been laughing until he finally noticed Leonard standing near the couch with his arms folded and a deep frown sitting across his face. Raj tilted his head, studying him for several seconds before asking, "Why are you frowning like a langoor who just lost his banana to the alpha monkey?"

Leonard stared at him. "I'm not frowning."

Raj nodded slowly. "You're absolutely frowning. I've seen happier faces at arranged marriages."

Howard crouched near the VHS player and started removing the tape from its case. "Maybe he's upset because we interrupted his romantic evening with Sheldon."

Leonard gave him an irritated look. "There was no romantic evening."

Sheldon chimed in. "Leonard is upset because his attempt to establish a social relationship with our new neighbor was unsuccessful."

Leonard's head immediately turned toward him. "Sheldon."

Howard stopped for half a second, although he hadn't yet processed the important part. "New neighbor?"

Sheldon continued with complete indifference toward Leonard's warning. "Yes. Her name is Penny, and she moved into Apartment 4B this afternoon. We encountered her on the stairs, and Leonard immediately demonstrated a substantial decline in verbal fluency."

Leonard turned toward him. "I eventually introduced myself."

"After several failed attempts," Sheldon replied. "You subsequently invited Penny to dinner, which she declined because she needed groceries. Leonard then remained in the hallway long enough to discover that Karl had already volunteered to accompany her to the supermarket."

Howard slowly stopped moving.

Sheldon continued with complete indifference toward Leonard's growing embarrassment. "When they returned, Leonard made another attempt to interact with Penny, although she proceeded upstairs with Karl. Leonard was unable to prevent this outcome despite standing approximately six feet away and possessing functional vocal cords."

Leonard stared at him. "I wasn't trying to prevent her from going upstairs. She can have dinner with whoever she wants."

Sheldon considered that statement for several seconds. "Then your facial expression was remarkably misleading."

Howard still hadn't put the tape into the machine. He remained crouched beside the television for another moment before slowly turning his head toward Sheldon. "Are you telling me that there's a woman in Karl's apartment right now? And they are alone? And you're telling this to me now? Are you insane?" He set the tape and its case beside the VHS player before standing.

Raj looked toward him. "What exactly would you have done differently if he'd told you twelve minutes ago?"

Howard turned toward Raj with absolute seriousness. "Prepared."

Leonard's eyebrows lifted. "Prepared for what?"

Howard looked offended that anyone needed to ask. "Meeting her. First impressions matter, Leonard. Hair, clothes, cologne, musk, opening line, strategic positioning. You don't walk into an encounter with an attractive woman without reconnaissance."

Sheldon barely looked up from his notebook. "You don't know whether she's attractive."

Howard immediately turned toward Leonard and asked in a slightly heavy voice, "Is she?"

Leonard hesitated.

That was enough.

Howard's eyes widened. "Oh, she's hot."

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to. That pause had breasts."

Raj covered his mouth, although his shoulders shook with laughter.

Leonard rubbed both hands over his face. "She's pretty, okay?"

Howard stepped closer. "Pretty like librarian pretty, actress pretty, or the kind of pretty where I need to change shirts before introducing myself?"

Sheldon looked toward him. "Given your wardrobe, changing shirts wouldn't significantly improve the outcome."

Howard ignored him. "Blonde?"

Leonard's expression tightened. "Yes."

Howard's eyebrows rose.

"Young?"

"Howard."

"Single?"

"I don't know."

Howard stared at Leonard as if he'd just admitted to leaving an experiment half-finished. "You talked to an attractive blonde woman who moved directly across the hall, and you didn't establish relationship status?"

"I met her for about two minutes."

Howard shook his head sadly. "Amateur."

Raj sat down and leaned against the back of the couch. "Because your success rate with women has made you the obvious authority."

Howard pointed toward him. "The difference between us is that when I see a beautiful woman, I can actually speak."

Raj's expression immediately darkened. "One day, your penis is going to get you killed, and I'm going to tell the police I saw nothing."

Howard barely heard him because his mind had already moved several steps ahead. "Any idea what they are doing right now?"

Leonard looked toward him. "Karl was talking about cooking. So, I guess they are having dinner."

Howard's face changed again.

"He cooked for her?"

"So?"

Howard looked personally offended. "So? He's rich, he's twenty-one, he's got two doctorates, he looks like that, and now you're telling me he cooks?"

Raj gave Leonard a sympathetic nod. "Your banana has officially been taken."

Leonard glared at him. "Would you stop with the monkey analogy?"

Sheldon calmly returned his attention to his notebook. "Raj's analogy is inaccurate. Karl isn't a monkey."

Leonard stared at him. "Thank you."

Sheldon continued without noticing Leonard's relief. "Although Karl does possess above-average height, considerable professional prestige, substantial financial resources, and apparently some degree of culinary competence."

Howard pointed toward Sheldon. "Exactly."

Leonard slowly turned toward him. "Whose side are you on?"

Sheldon frowned. "I wasn't aware there were sides. Howard listed several characteristics Karl possesses, and I confirmed that his assessment was substantially accurate."

Raj chimed in. "You also forgot that Karl has better hair."

Sheldon glanced toward Leonard's head before looking back at Raj. “Hair quality can be evaluated objectively by density, symmetry, follicular health, and grooming. By several of those measures, Raj may have a point.”

Leonard closed his eyes. "I hate all of you."

Raj immediately smiled. "This evening is becoming interesting in ways I didn't expect."

Sheldon ignored him while Howard started pacing near the television, clearly treating Penny's existence as a problem requiring immediate strategic intervention.

"We have to meet her," Howard said.

Leonard's answer came immediately. "No."

Howard stopped. "Why?"

"Because I know exactly what's going to happen. You're going to walk across the hall, say something disgusting within thirty seconds, she'll think we're all insane, and I'll spend the next six months apologizing for knowing you."

Howard placed a hand against his chest. "Disgusting? I'll have you know women appreciate confidence."

Raj snorted. "Women appreciate you leaving."

Howard turned toward him. "Jealousy is ugly on you."

Raj smiled sweetly. "Still prettier than that belt buckle."

Howard glanced down at himself before deciding Raj's fashion criticism wasn't worth acknowledging. His attention returned to Leonard. "So you want to leave her with Karl? How long has she been up there?"

Sheldon checked the clock. "Approximately three hours and seventeen minutes since she and Karl returned from the supermarket."

Howard's eyes widened. "Three hours?"

Raj was clearly enjoying Leonard's suffering now. “Maybe they really are talking about his research.”

Howard gave him a flat look. "Yes, Raj. A beautiful blonde moved to California, went shopping with a twenty-one-year-old rich genius, stayed for dinner, and three hours later they're obviously discussing radiation dosimetry."

Raj considered that for a moment. “Maybe she’s very interested in space radiation. You don’t know.”

"Maybe I'm six-foot-two," Howard said, walking toward the door. He opened it and took a really deep breath before putting on his confident face and walking out.

Leonard stared after him for half a second, groaned, then followed. If Howard was about to introduce himself to Penny, someone needed to prevent the situation from becoming a sexual-harassment seminar. Well, that's what he said to himself. He was definitely not going there just to know what Penny and Karl were doing or to interrupt their after-dinner activities.

Raj immediately pushed himself off the couch and followed because there was absolutely no chance he was missing this.

Sheldon watched the three of them disappear into the hallway, then calmly stood and walked over to the television. Howard had left the Hawking tape beside the VHS player during his sudden obsession with the new neighbor. Sheldon picked it up, slid it into the machine, pressed play, then returned to his spot with a satisfied smile.

By the time Howard reached Apartment 5B, Leonard and Raj were right behind him.

Howard knocked on the door. 

A moment later, the door opened, and Karl looked at the trio. 

"Now is not a good time. Go away," Karl said in a low voice.

Just then, Penny walked out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a blue towel wrapped around her body. "Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower? By the way, your body wash is really really awesome. I love the jasmine scent."

As she walked into the living room, she noticed the open door and saw Howard and the others looking inside. She smiled and waved. "Oh, hi!"

She then looked at Karl and asked, "Your friends?"