[TBBT] Ch: 16 [Penny Television Paradox] (Patreon)

[Kurt's Apartment]

Getting four volunteers had taken less than thirty seconds.

Offering gym guys two large jars of protein powder from any brand, flavor, or price range was the closest thing modern society had to issuing a military draft.

Marcus had practically raised his hand before I finished explaining the offer. Tyler joined after asking whether imported brands counted. Andre wanted chocolate peanut butter specifically, while Ben only asked whether he could take the equivalent amount in cash because he already had three unopened tubs at home.

I paid everyone fifty percent upfront, which covered one jar each. The remaining half would be paid once Penny's television reached Apartment 4B without anybody getting arrested, hospitalized, or appearing on the evening news.

Ben had even brought his small pickup truck.

Honestly, this plan was already better organized than several university research projects I'd participated in.

The five of us stood outside Kurt's apartment building while I examined the secured front entrance. A metal security door blocked access to the lobby, and beside it sat one of those vertical intercom systems with buttons corresponding to every apartment. I could simply hack it, but that'd be illegal.

Marcus folded his arms behind me. He was built like someone had taken an ordinary human being and increased every physical dimension by thirty percent.

"Still can't believe this guy kept his girlfriend's TV after cheating on her?"

"Ex-girlfriend," I corrected while searching for Kurt's apartment number. "And yes, he did."

Andre shook his head slowly. "That's messed up. Now, I want to mess him up a bit more."

Tyler adjusted the sleeves of his shirt. "Cheating's already bad enough. Keeping the television afterward is just disrespectful."

Ben glanced toward his truck. "What size TV are we talking about?"

"I don't know exactly. Large enough that I didn't want to carry it down several flights of stairs alone."

Ben nodded approvingly. "Smart decision."

I found Kurt's apartment and pressed the intercom button.

Several seconds passed before static crackled through the speaker.

"What?"

Judging from the irritated voice, Kurt had already started his morning in a wonderful mood.

I leaned slightly toward the intercom. "Hi, Kurt. My name's Karl. I'm a friend of Penny's."

Silence lasted for perhaps two seconds.

Then his voice came back considerably colder. "What do you want?"

"I've come to collect Penny's television. If you could let us inside, we'll grab it and leave without wasting your morning."

Another short silence followed.

"No."

The intercom immediately went dead.

I stared at it.

Marcus looked over my shoulder. "That's it?"

"Looks like diplomacy has failed."

I pressed Kurt's button again.

Nothing happened.

I tried once more and received the same response.

"Okay," I murmured. "Alternative methodology."

Before anyone could ask what that meant, I placed my index finger against the top intercom button and dragged my hand downward across the entire column.

Buzz.

Buzz.

Buzz.

Buzz.

Within roughly two seconds, I had activated practically every apartment in the building.

Marcus stared at me. "Wait! That works?"

"No idea," I replied while listening to multiple irritated voices crackling through different speakers. "I saw a couple of Girl Scouts do it once, so I copied them."

Somewhere inside the building, somebody shouted through an intercom.

Then the security lock clicked.

I immediately grabbed the door before whoever opened it could reconsider.

The gate had either glitched from receiving too many signals at once, or one of the tenants had simply opened it to stop the annoying ringing.

I couldn't have cared less.

"Well, gentlemen, we're officially inside."

Marcus laughed as we entered the lobby. "Those Girl Scouts knew their stuff."

We climbed the stairs together, and the entire situation became increasingly ridiculous the longer I thought about it.

I'd spent twenty-one years building an academic career, earned two doctorates, developed multiple patents, brought future knowledge from another life, and somehow ended up leading four enormous gym guys through an apartment building to retrieve my crush's television from her cheating ex-boyfriend.

It's fun and slightly weird.

When we reached Kurt's floor, Andre rolled his shoulders before looking toward me. "Can I punch the cheater?" He asked.

I stopped walking and stared at him.

Andre shrugged. "I hate cheaters. Doesn't matter whether somebody's cheating on their girlfriend or cheating their diet."

Tyler nodded solemnly. "Cheat meals are acceptable if scheduled properly."

Andre pointed toward him. "Exactly. That's different."

I rubbed my forehead before continuing toward Kurt's apartment. "Let's avoid involving the police. Once the job's finished, whatever arguments you have about nutritional integrity are your responsibility."

Andre smiled. "Fair enough."

I stopped outside Kurt's door and pressed the bell.

Movement came from inside almost immediately. Heavy footsteps approached, followed by the lock turning.

The door opened.

Kurt stood there wearing a sleeveless shirt, already looking annoyed.

Then he saw me.

His eyes moved behind me.

Marcus, Tyler, Andre, and Ben stood shoulder to shoulder in the hallway, each of them looking like they considered dumbbells lighter than Kurt's body to be warm-up equipment.

Kurt took one step backward.

I gave him my friendliest smile.

"Well, hello there. Where's the TV?"

Kurt looked at me again, then toward the four men behind me.

Whatever argument he'd prepared never made it out of his mouth.

Kurt was a knucklehead bully from everything I remembered, although even he possessed enough survival instinct to calculate the situation in front of him. Starting a fight against four men who could bench-press him individually would've required a level of stupidity approaching medical significance.

He stayed quiet for another moment before jerking his thumb toward the living room.

"There."

"Excellent."

Marcus and Tyler stepped forward.

Kurt moved aside immediately.

As Marcus passed him, their shoulders bumped lightly. Whether that was accidental remained scientifically uncertain, although Marcus' expression suggested the probability was extremely low.

Tyler followed while giving Kurt a stare that would've made most sensible people reevaluate several recent life choices.

A minute later, they returned carrying Penny's television between them. It was really a big plasma. Dang! She either got a big discount or wasted too much money. It could also be a second-hand TV. 

Kurt remained beside the door with his arms crossed, saying absolutely nothing as they carried it down the hallway toward the stairs.

I waited until they disappeared around the corner before looking back at him.

"Thank you."

Kurt glared at me.

I smiled once more, turned around, and started walking away.

Behind me, Andre and Ben remained outside Kurt's door for several additional seconds.

Neither said anything as they simply stared at him long enough to make the message perfectly clear.

Kurt wisely stayed inside his apartment.

Then Andre nodded once, and both men turned away before following me toward the stairs.

By the time we reached the ground floor, Marcus and Tyler were already loading Penny's television carefully into Ben's pickup.

Protein powder had officially become one of my favorite currencies.

...

[Apartment Building]

Getting the television from Ben's pickup to the fourth floor turned out to be considerably harder than getting it out of Kurt's apartment. Kurt’s building had wide stairs and generous landings. Ours had apparently been designed by someone who hated furniture.

Once we reached my apartment building and started maneuvering the thing through the narrow stairwell, the reality of transporting a plasma television without a working elevator became painfully obvious.

Marcus and Tyler handled most of the weight while Andre and Ben helped guide the television around each landing. I stayed behind them, making sure nobody accidentally backed into a railing or scraped the screen against the wall.

"Little more to the left," Ben called from above while gripping one side of the frame. "Watch the corner near the railing."

Marcus shifted his grip. "I've got it."

Tyler slowly raised his end another few inches. "Who buys a television this big and moves into a building without an elevator?"

I climbed another step behind them. "In Penny's defense, I don't think she knew the elevator was broken when she signed the lease."

Andre glanced downward while supporting the lower edge. "How long has it been broken?"

"I have no idea."

Ben grunted as they reached the next landing. "Building management must be fantastic around here."

"According to Sheldon, the elevator has achieved a stable state of permanent dysfunction."

Marcus looked over his shoulder. "Who's Sheldon?"

"My downstairs neighbor."

"Sounds weird."

"You have absolutely no idea."

We finally reached the fourth floor after several more minutes of careful maneuvering. Marcus and Tyler carried the television into the hallway while Ben and Andre straightened up behind them.

They placed it carefully against the wall near Penny's door.

Marcus rolled one shoulder before looking at it. "There. Mission accomplished."

"Nobody got arrested either," I said while taking out my wallet. "That automatically makes this operation successful. Thank you all for your hard work."

Andre looked mildly disappointed. "Still would've liked to punch him."

"You showed admirable restraint," I said as I pulled out the remaining money I'd promised them.

I handed everyone the remaining fifty percent.

Marcus counted his money once before sliding it into his pocket with a satisfied smile. "Any time you need furniture moved, televisions recovered, or another cheating boyfriend intimidated, you've got my number."

Tyler nodded seriously. "Especially if you're paying with protein powder."

I nodded. "I'll keep that in mind."

Andre tucked his money away before pointing toward me. "Till next time."

Ben shook my hand. "Thanks, man. This will help a lot."

The four of them headed downstairs together, still talking about which supplement store had the best imported brands.

I leaned against the wall and watched them disappear around the landing.

That had gone surprisingly well.

Penny's television was sitting safely outside Apartment 4B, and Kurt still possessed all the teeth he'd started the morning with.

I'd successfully improved on canon.

I smiled to myself.

"Take that, butterfly effect."

Of course, I had no idea whether preventing Leonard and Sheldon from getting humiliated had improved anything meaningful. Maybe some completely unrelated chain reaction would eventually result in Sheldon developing an irrational hatred of Tuesdays or Howard accidentally becoming President of the United States.

Chaos theory had never promised convenient consequences.

It only promised consequences.

I looked toward Penny's door, took a deep breath, then knocked. "Hey, Penny. It's Karl."

Movement came from inside, followed by footsteps approaching the door. A second later, the lock clicked, and Penny opened it wearing denim shorts and a loose pink top, her blond hair pulled into a messy ponytail.

She looked at me first as I pointed at the TV. She then stared at the screen sitting against the hallway wall, then slowly looked back at me.

"Shut up. No freaking way."

I slipped both hands into my pockets and smiled. "Good morning."

She stepped into the hallway and stared at the television again as though she suspected it might disappear if she blinked. "You actually got it back? Like, out of his apartment, without him putting you in a headlock?"

"I did tell you I'd try," I said with a shrug.

Penny turned toward me completely. "Karl, seriously, I fully expected you to knock on his door, get one look at his psycho biceps, and sprint back here before he could rip your head off!"

"What can I say?" I said with a smile. "I can be pretty persuasive. Anyway, forget about that cheater. Shall we carry it inside?"

...

[20 minutes later]

Penny’s television was finally mounted against the living-room wall.

Getting the thing through her doorway had been annoying enough. Mounting something that large while making sure several thousand dollars of electronics didn’t crash onto the floor required considerably more attention.

Once I tightened the last bolt, I stepped backward and examined our work.

The television sat straight, centered nicely against the wall, with enough clearance beneath it for Penny to eventually add whatever entertainment equipment she wanted.

I folded my arms and nodded with satisfaction. “Alright, looks good. By the way, how much did you pay for the TV?”

Penny threw the screwdriver on the table.

"A buck."

I slowly turned my head toward her.

My eyebrow rose automatically. “Huh?”

Penny laughed at my expression. "I swear to God, Karl, one single dollar! The register made this weird beep-boop noise, there was some kind of computer glitch thingy, and bam- printed receipt."

I stared at the enormous television hanging against her wall. It was a freaking plasma. The best TV one can buy in 2007. I’d checked the model number while mounting it. The thing cost around $2,500.

Penny sat on the couch. "Yep. Total receipt in hand. But then the store manager ran over, looking like he was about to have an aneurysm."

I glanced between her and the television. “I'm guessing they wanted it back.”

"Oh, totally! He went, 'Miss, that's clearly an error, you can't just walk out with a giant plasma!' But get this, there was an LAPD cop behind me in line grabbing a soda. He turned to the guy and went, 'Hey, she paid what the register asked for and you handed her the paper. That's a legal sale, buddy.'" She said.

I looked at her suspiciously. “And that cop just helped you like that?”

Penny's smile became considerably more mischievous.

"Well... he looked like he hadn't seen his toes since 1998, and I was wearing these shorts and a push-up bra."

I stared at her for half a second before bursting into laughter.

That explanation answered far more questions than anything involving consumer law would've managed.

“I see,” I said while shaking my head. “Lucky you.”

Penny looked proudly toward the television. “Best dollar I've ever spent.”

“By an absurd margin,” I replied. “You've probably achieved a better return on investment than half of Wall Street.”

Penny pointed toward me. “See, that's exactly what I'm telling people from now on. I made a brilliant investment.”

I laughed again and started gathering the remaining tools from the floor.

Before I could put them back into the small toolbox, someone knocked on the door.

Then Leonard's voice came from the hallway.

“Hey, Penny. It's Leonard. Is Karl in there with you?"

...

Penny opened the door while I walked up behind her after closing the toolbox.

Leonard stood outside with Howard and Raj behind him. His eyes immediately landed on Penny, then shifted toward me standing inside her apartment.

His smile dropped slightly.

I was beginning to feel a little bad for him.

Then Leonard noticed the massive plasma television mounted on Penny's wall, and confusion replaced some of the disappointment on his face.

Penny smiled. "Oh, hey guys! What's up?"

"Hey. Uh, hi, Penny," Leonard replied, looking a little nervous.

Raj gave Penny a small smile, while Howard stepped forward with the confidence of a man who'd spent the entire morning preparing for something nobody else considered important.

He pointed directly at me. "Karl Peterson. Consider the gauntlet thrown."

I stared at him.

Penny glanced between us. "Okaay... a nerd fight. Let me get some popcorn."

Howard straightened slightly. "Yesterday you bragged that you're fluent in every language on Earth. I intend to expose you as the fraudulent poseur you are."

I looked at him for several seconds before shrugging. "No."

Howard blinked. "Wait, what do you mean, 'no'?"

"I have better things to do."

I turned slightly, already considering whether I should head upstairs and work on the biological control model before lunch.

Howard immediately smiled. "What's the matter, Golden Boy? Chicken? Terrified I'm gonna shatter that perfect little illusion you've got going on?"

I looked back at him.

"That isn't going to work."

Howard's smile widened. "Really? Because from where I'm standing, it smells a lot like fear."

I sighed.

"Howard, I'm not wasting an hour of my life because you got embarrassed yesterday and spent all night planning revenge. If you want me to participate in something this childish, I need an incentive."

Leonard raised an eyebrow. "Wait, what kind of incentive are we talking about?"

I folded my arms. "A bet."

That caught everyone's attention.

Howard's expression sharpened. "You want a wager? Fine. Name your terms."

"Anything you want, provided it has actual value." I glanced between Howard, Leonard, and Raj. "Every person involved in the challenge puts something on the line. I'll match the total value in cash."

Leonard stared at me. "You'd match all of it? In actual cash?"

"Yes."

Howard looked toward Leonard and Raj.

Raj's eyes widened, although with Penny standing directly beside us, he couldn't contribute verbally. Instead, he pulled his phone from his pocket and started typing something before turning the screen toward Howard.

Howard read it and smiled.

“Some mint-condition comics from our collections.”

Leonard immediately looked uneasy. "Howard, are you crazy?"

Howard ignored him. "Relax, Leonard. He isn't going to win."

Penny looked at Leonard. "Wait, seriously? You guys are gambling with comic books like it's real money?"

Leonard adjusted his glasses. “Penny, some of those comics are worth thousands of dollars.”

I nodded. "He's right."

Howard quickly listed what they were willing to put up while Raj occasionally held up fingers or typed corrections into his phone. Leonard reluctantly contributed one issue after Howard accused him of lacking confidence.

I listened while mentally estimating current collector values.

When Howard finished, I ran through the numbers once more.

"Alright," I said. "Approximately six thousand dollars total."

Leonard also calculated the value in his mind. "Yeah, sounds about right."

Howard's confidence flickered slightly.

Raj stared at me, then slowly looked toward Howard as though reconsidering every decision that had brought him here.

I smiled.

"Great. Let's do it."

AN: Couldn't fit the challenge into this one. Got too big. So, next chapter will start with the challenge.