[TBBT] Ch: 29 [The Girlfriend Casting Conundrum] (Patreon)

[First Person POV] [Apartment Building]

"So, Warner Bros. Television offered me forty thousand dollars to use 'Somebody That I Used to Know' in an upcoming episode of Gossip Girl," I told Penny as we climbed the stairs toward our apartments. "Twenty thousand for the song itself and another twenty thousand for the recording."

"Shut up!" Penny exclaimed, stopping halfway up the flight and grabbing my arm. Her eyes widened as she stared at me. "Are you serious? Gossip Girl? Like, the actual show with the ridiculously rich, backstabbing teenagers in New York?!"

"That's the one," I confirmed, smiling at her reaction. "My lawyer brought it up during our meeting this afternoon."

"Oh, my God!" She tightened her grip on my arm. "Karl, that is huge! Do you have any idea how many people watch that? I mean, I've watched it! Okay, I've only seen like three episodes because I was doing my nails, but still! They want your song?!"

"Yep. I was pretty surprised myself when Martin told me about it. I knew the songs were doing well online, but I didn't expect a television licensing offer this quickly."

Penny continued staring at me for another moment before shaking her head in disbelief. Then she threw her arms around my neck and kissed me enthusiastically, nearly making me lose my balance on the stairs.

"That is so amazing, sweetie!" she said, pulling back with an enormous smile. "Seriously, congratulations! You have to be totally freaking out right now!"

"Well, outwardly I maintained a sophisticated, professional composure," I replied, slipping my arms around her waist. "But internally, there was a considerable amount of screaming."

She laughed and gave me another quick kiss before releasing me.

"Okay, so when is it on? When do we get to hear it?!" She asked.

"Nothing's finalized yet," I explained as we resumed climbing. "Martin and Priya are working out some details about how they can use the recording for online promotion. I want to make sure they can't start putting my song in advertisements or selling it somewhere without negotiating those rights separately."

Penny glanced at me while we rounded the landing.

"Wait, hold on. Who's Priya?"

"Priya Koothrappali. Believe it or not, she's Raj's sister."

Penny stopped walking again.

"Raj has a sister?"

"Yes," I replied. "She's a lawyer who works with Martin's firm, handling corporate and international transactions. Martin introduced us today because she's going to help with my international music licensing and publishing deals."

Penny raised her eyebrows with interest. "Okay, first of all, how come I've never heard about Raj having a sister? And second... is she anything like him?"

I shrugged. "Well, I only met her this afternoon, so I can't provide a comprehensive psychological profile. However, she's confident, assertive, and has absolutely zero difficulty speaking to the opposite sex. So, evolutionarily speaking, she's miles ahead of Raj."

Penny laughed. "Aw, poor Raj! He's actually a really sweet guy when he's not staring at his shoes and pretending I'm invisible."

"He's a good guy. Just severely neurologically compromised by the presence of attractive women," I said.

"And his sister works with your lawyer?" Penny asked as we continued upward. "That's kind of a crazy coincidence."

"Tell me about it. A few days ago, Raj mentioned his sister heard 'Just the Way You Are' in some café in New Delhi. She Googled me, started interrogating him about who I was, and he passed along a message. Next thing I know, I walk into Martin's office and she's drafting my contracts," I said, glancing at her.

"Oh, really?" Penny asked, drawing the last word out suspiciously. "And what kind of questions was she asking?"

"Primarily whether I was as physically attractive in person as my MySpace profile suggested."

Penny stopped walking and slowly turned toward me.

I immediately recognized the expression.

Uh-oh. 

"And?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"And what?" 

"What did she think?"

"She said the pictures weren't misleading."

Penny folded her arms and tilted her head. "Uh-huh. And is she pretty?"

I looked at her for a moment before answering honestly. "Objectively speaking? Yes, she's attractive." 

Penny's eyebrows lifted a little higher.

"But," I continued, "I am currently dating a gorgeous blonde who took me dancing, ruthlessly hustled me at miniature golf, stole half my curly fries, and kissed me. So, trust me, I'm very happy with my girlfriend."

Her suspicious expression lasted another second before she started smiling.

"Wow. Look at you, pulling out the smooth talk."

"I've been rehearsing in the mirror."

"Clearly." She reached over and straightened the collar of my shirt before slipping her arm through mine again. "Don't worry, sweetie. I'm just messing with you."

"Good, because I was about to invoke my right to legal counsel."

Well, that could've gone a lot worse.

Penny laughed and gave my arm a squeeze as we continued upstairs.

We'd almost reached the third-floor landing.

"Also, the television offer wasn't the only interesting thing that happened today. I also signed two smaller radio agreements," I said.

Penny turned her head toward me. "They're going to play your songs on actual FM radio stations in the car?"

I nodded. "That's the general idea, yeah. They're relatively small deals, but Martin thinks they'll help get the music in front of people who aren't spending all day on MySpace or YouTube."

"Which is basically everyone over thirty," Penny remarked.

"Hey, my songs have a very respectable following among elderly women. Two of them practically chased me down the street the other day."

Penny burst out laughing. "Oh, my God, I forgot about that! Look at you, you're seriously becoming a celebrity. Pretty soon I'm gonna have to beat away a mob of screaming teenage girls just to kiss my own boyfriend."

"I'd be far more concerned about the grandmothers. Those women have decades of tactical experience and absolutely zero concept of personal boundaries."

As we climbed the final stairs to Penny's apartment, I found myself thinking about how quickly everything had changed. A few weeks ago, I'd been sitting alone in my apartment, obsessing over audio tracks and wondering whether anyone outside my immediate circle would bother listening to my music.

Now I had television producers offering money to use my songs, radio agreements, major record labels competing for my attention, and an entertainment lawyer who seemed to receive a new proposal every time he checked his email.

It was exciting, certainly, although the administrative side was growing considerably more complicated than I'd anticipated.

And there was something else I'd been considering.

"Speaking of music," I began, glancing at Penny, "I've been thinking about what to do for my next project."

"Oh, yeah?" she asked. "Another song?"

"Probably several, eventually. But I want to do something different with the next release."

We stopped before her apartment door as I continued explaining my plan.

"So far, I've recorded everything inside my apartment. The audio quality's great, but when it comes to videos, all I've really got are pictures and basic uploads."

"Sweetie, your videos already have a ton of people watching them."

"Sure, but imagine what I could do with a proper budget and an actual production crew."

I leaned against the wall, getting more enthusiastic as I pictured it.

"I'm talking a full-scale music video. Real locations, professional cinematography, an experienced director, proper lighting, and actual actors and models. Something that looks like a professional production instead of me sitting on an Ikea chair strumming a guitar."

Penny's expression brightened immediately. "Wait, like a real, big-budget, MTV-TRL style music video?"

"Exactly," I said, pointing a finger at her. "I could shoot locally in LA, maybe Malibu or the PCH. Or scale up and shoot out of state. It really depends on what fits the song."

"Okay, that actually sounds really cool," she admitted. "You could do one of those angsty beach shoots where you're walking in the sand looking all heartbroken, and some gorgeous girl is running away from you in slow motion!"

I laughed at her dramatic description. "That is one highly clichéd option. Though I'd prefer a concept with slightly more artistic merit than three minutes of me looking clinically depressed in a designer jacket."

"Hey, do not knock looking miserable in expensive clothes!" Penny replied. "Half of the actors in this town built a career out of that!"

"A statistically valid point."

She moved closer, resting one hand against my chest. "So what's stopping you?"

"I just want to finish dealing with everything that's already on my plate first. The record-label negotiations, the television licensing agreement, finding a manager, getting the radio arrangements organized, all that stuff."

I rubbed the back of my neck.

"Once those are settled, I can focus on the creative side again. Hire a competent director, scout locations, handle casting, and shoot something that doesn't look like a high school AV club project."

Penny nodded thoughtfully. "That's actually pretty smart. Also sounds like a crazy amount of work."

"It is, which is why I'm hiring people who actually know what they're doing. Having two doctorates doesn't magically qualify me to direct a three-minute pop video."

Penny grinned and said, "Wow. The genius admitting there's something he doesn't know how to do? Somebody call the LA Times."

"Hilarious."

I watched her smile for a moment, then an idea I'd been considering since the meeting finally came back to me.

"Actually... Penny, there is something I wanted to ask you."

She tilted her head curiously.

"What's up, sweetie?"

"Well, you're an actress, and I'm going to need people for this video..." I paused, suddenly feeling a little nervous despite how easily we'd been talking all evening. I didn't want her to feel like I was taking pity on her. "Would you like to be in it?"

Penny blinked, staring at me in surprise.

"Wait. What?"

"I mean, I'm probably going to need a female lead, depending on the concept. Maybe someone to play the love interest, or an important character in the story. And I thought... well, you're an actress, you're gorgeous, and I already know we have pretty good chemistry."

Her mouth slowly opened.

"Karl... are you seriously asking me to be the lead in your music video?"

"Yes. Why wouldn't I?"

She looked genuinely stunned.

"Because that is... I mean, that's a really big deal!" she exclaimed. "You just talked about hiring Hollywood directors and shooting on the beach with massive camera crews! And you want me?"

"Of course I do. Plus, I happen to know a stunningly gorgeous blonde who is actively trying to break into the industry. Why would I go looking for some random model without asking her first?"

Penny pressed her lips together, fighting a smile.

"Okay, you are laying it on pretty thick right now."

"Is it proving effective?"

"Ugh. Unfortunately, yes."

I laughed, but she was still looking at me with a mixture of excitement and uncertainty.

"Seriously, though, sweetie," she continued, "you do not have to just hand me a part because I'm your girlfriend. I don't want a pity gig."

"I know. And I'm not. I haven't even locked in the song or the concept yet. But if the song requires a female lead, I know you'd be fantastic. Plus, you actually have acting training, which is a vastly superior qualification to just looking good on camera."

Penny's expression softened.

"Aww, that's really sweet."

"And you'd be getting paid, of course. This would be an actual job, assuming we can work the shooting schedule around your Cheesecake Factory shifts."

She looked up at me with a playful expression. "Hold on. Let me get this straight. You're telling me I get to make out with my hot boyfriend on camera and get paid for it?"

"Well, that strictly depends on whether the director's vision calls for a kissing scene," I said, although my imagination was already getting ahead of me. I could picture Penny walking toward me on the beach in a sexy bikini, wrapping her arms around my neck, and kissing me while the cameras rolled. The director would yell cut, and we'd probably keep kissing anyway.

Penny gave me a wicked grin. "Oh, honey. I think I can talk the director into it."

"That is a staggering level of confidence for someone who hasn't even seen a storyboard."

"Please. A couple of months back, I auditioned to play a girl who gets murdered by a mutant badger. I know how to work a room."

I chuckled as she slipped both arms around my waist and stepped closer.

"So..." she asked, looking up at me, "does this mean I get to be one of those glamorous MTV video girls? Like, getting my hair and makeup done in a trailer, and having some P.A. bring me fancy iced coffees?"

"Within reason. I'm not paying someone five hundred dollars an hour to peel grapes for you."

"Damn. Well, there goes my entire diva phase."

"Although, since I'll be hiring professionals, the director might want you to audition for the role. You know, see how you perform on camera, check the chemistry between the leads, that sort of thing."

Penny raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, sweetie, don't you worry about that. I can nail an audition."

"Good..."

She smiled, and for a moment the teasing disappeared from her face.

"Do you really think I can do it?"

"Absolutely. I wouldn't have proposed it otherwise."

Penny studied me for another second, her teasing smile softening into something entirely genuine, before stepping in and pulling me into a long, breathless kiss. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her against me as she tangled her fingers in my hair. It was the kind of kiss that completely overrode my central nervous system and made both of my doctorates feel entirely useless. When she finally pulled back a moment later, she was smiling and slightly out of breath.

She kept her arms around my neck as she looked into my eyes.

"Okay, then. I would absolutely love to be in your music video."

"Outstanding. Once I've got these deals sorted out, we'll sit down and figure out the details." I leaned in to kiss her again, but Penny gently placed a hand against my chest to stop me. A playful, suggestive light flickered in her eyes as she looked up through her eyelashes.

"You know..." she murmured. "If your schedule is open for the rest of the evening, maybe we should start prepping for my audition right now."

I blinked, trying to force my brain to resume its normal cognitive functions. "Penny, I haven't even chosen the song yet, let alone worked on a storyboard."

"We can improvise," she said smoothly, moving her face so close that our lips almost touched again. "You can play the big, powerful music producer, and I'll be the innocent, naive farm girl who is brand new to the Hollywood industry."

I swallowed carefully. "I see. And what exactly are the parameters of this theatrical exercise?"

Penny tilted her head, her voice dropping into a sultry, breathless register that completely erased Omaha from her vocabulary. "Well, Mr. Producer, you get to ask me to do anything... and since I'm so incredibly naive, I just might do everything for a role."

Every complex equation, legal contract, and rational thought in my head was instantly vaporized.

"As a man of science," I said, hastily pulling my apartment keys from my pocket and abandoning my academic dignity entirely, "I fully support rigorous, hands-on field research."

I caught her hand and hurried up the next flight of stairs toward my apartment, with Penny laughing as she followed me. At my door, I quickly unlocked it and pulled her inside.

Penny tossed her purse onto the couch, and I slipped my arms around her waist, pulling her against me for another kiss. She kissed me back just as eagerly, her fingers sliding into my hair before moving down to my shirt. We managed to kick off our shoes between kisses, and she'd barely started pulling my T-shirt up when a familiar sound interrupted us.

Three sharp knocks came from the front door.

"Karl and Penny."

Three more knocks followed by...

"Karl and Penny."

Final three knocks...

"Karl and Penny."