[Modern Family] Ch: 140 [Vows, Carols, and Zippers] (Patreon)

[On the Way to the Mall]

Phil's SUV rolled through the quiet neighborhood, passing houses decorated with Christmas lights, inflatable Santas, and the occasional reindeer that had somehow ended up lying face-first on someone's lawn.

Jack settled comfortably in the passenger seat, enjoying the Christmas music playing through the speakers while Phil drove toward the main road. Traffic was surprisingly light, although Jack suspected that would change once they got closer to the shopping mall.

"So, how's married life treating you, buddy?" Phil asked, glancing at him briefly before returning his attention to the road. "I know it's only been twenty days, but I'm expecting a full report. Any major discoveries? Arguments about toothpaste? Secret nighttime snacking?"

"Honestly, it's awesome," Jack answered with a smile. "Though I did learn that 'our closet' actually means 'Haley's closet.' I opened the door yesterday and found three of my shirts fighting for their lives between about forty sundresses."

Phil laughed, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. "Yeah, that sounds familiar. Claire took over my closet years ago. I've been living out of two drawers ever since."

Jack laughed along with him, and they spent another minute talking about Switzerland before something occurred to him.

"Say, Mr. Dunphy, have you and Mrs. Dunphy ever thought about renewing your wedding vows?" Jack asked, turning slightly in his seat. "You know, having a proper ceremony with the whole family?"

Phil glanced at him in surprise before looking back at the windshield.

"Renewing our vows? Huh. You know, that actually crosses my mind every couple of years," Phil admitted. "Back in the day, Claire and I had this whole dream of getting hitched in Hawaii. White sand beach, ukulele player, tiki torches, leis as far as the eye can see. The full Aloha package."

"Hawaii, huh? Hard to beat that backdrop."

"Oh, 100 percent!" Phil agreed enthusiastically. "Claire wanted the romance, and I was just thrilled that 'formal wear' meant linen shorts and a Tommy Bahama shirt. Marrying the girl of my dreams with my toes in the sand? That's the Phil Dunphy double-rainbow right there."

Phil chuckled at the thought, although his expression softened as he continued.

"But things don't always work out the way you plan, buddy. When Claire got pregnant with Haley, we had to figure everything out pretty quickly. Money was tight, and we had a baby coming, so we didn't actually have a traditional wedding. Then Haley was born, I was getting started in real estate, and suddenly we were worrying about diapers, bills, and whether we could afford a bigger place."

Jack listened as Phil continued talking, occasionally glancing toward him.

"Then boom, Alex comes along, then Luke, and before we could catch our breath, we were juggling three kids, a mortgage, soccer carpools, and a station wagon that smelled permanently like crushed Cheerios. Every time we saved up for Hawaii, the water heater would explode, or somebody needed braces. Eventually, we just kinda put the dream on the back burner."

"Makes sense," Jack said. "Raising three kids while building a career from scratch is no joke. Especially once Luke learned how to walk."

Phil gave an affectionate laugh. "Oh, you don't know the half of it. That kid once put a metal flashlight in the microwave because he thought it would 'supercharge' the batteries. Took out the microwave, the drywall, and my left eyebrow."

Jack shook his head, trying to imagine how Claire had survived raising three children without losing her mind.

After another moment, he turned toward Phil again.

"So what's stopping you from giving her that wedding now?" Jack asked. "Let her wear the big white dress, have Jay walk her down the aisle, and finally do the whole thing right?"

Phil didn't answer immediately.

His fingers slowed against the steering wheel as he considered what Jack had said. He'd walked Haley down the aisle, and the memory of his daughter's wedding was still fresh in his mind. He remembered Claire crying during the ceremony, especially when Haley and Jack exchanged their vows. She'd spent nearly the entire reception talking about how beautiful everything had been. 

Besides, they were financially comfortable now, and there was nothing stopping him from finally giving Claire the wedding they'd dreamed about all those years ago.

After another few seconds, Phil turned onto a quieter side street, pulled over beside the curb, and shifted the SUV into park.

Jack looked at him curiously. "Everything alright, Mr. Dunphy?"

Phil turned toward him, looking unusually serious.

"Jack, do you really think she'd want that after all these years?" he asked. "I mean, we've been married for twenty years. We've got three kids, and we're about to become grandparents. You really think Claire would still want to put on a wedding dress and walk down the aisle?"

"Why wouldn't she?" Jack answered. "I don't think there's an expiration date on wanting to have a beautiful wedding."

Phil sat quietly for a moment, looking through the windshield.

"The truth is, I haven't been able to get it out of my head since your wedding," Phil admitted softly. "Watching you and Haley up there, and seeing Claire in the front row bawling her eyes out... it hit me that I never actually got to see her walk down an aisle toward me."

He rubbed his hands together, considering his next words.

"But I didn't know how to bring it up. What if she thinks it's silly? Or that I'm trying to make up for something that happened twenty years ago?"

"Well, she might complain about the planning, the decorations, and how nobody knows how to arrange flowers properly, but I seriously doubt she'd complain about getting married to you again," Jack replied.

Phil smiled at that, although he still seemed uncertain.

"Plus, if you want some insider trading... Gloria let something slip a while back," Jack added, leaning back in his seat. "Apparently, Mrs. Dunphy once secretly tried on a wedding dress at the boutique."

Phil turned toward him, looking genuinely surprised. "Hold the phone. Claire tried on a wedding dress? My Claire? When?"

"Back when they went dress shopping for Haley," Jack replied. "So yeah, I'd say the dream is very much alive. She's probably just as worried about bringing it up after twenty years as you are."

Phil leaned back against his seat, slowly smiling as he considered the possibility. He could practically picture Claire standing in front of a mirror wearing a wedding dress, probably criticizing the stitching while secretly imagining herself walking down the aisle.

"Man. Twenty years, and that woman still keeps me on my toes," Phil said, breaking into a huge grin. "You know what, Jack? Operation Aloha is officially a go. I'm gonna give my bride the wedding of the century."

"Then you should do it," Jack encouraged him. "You've already got the bride, the family, and twenty years of marriage behind you. I'd say you're pretty well prepared."

Phil laughed before reaching over to give Jack's shoulder an affectionate squeeze.

"Thanks, son. Seriously, you're a genius," Phil said, shifting the SUV back into drive. "Now all I have to do is pull off a massive secret wedding without cracking under Claire's interrogation eyes. Which, historically, I have a zero percent success rate at."

...

[Mitchell and Cameron's House]

The peaceful Christmas morning at Mitchell and Cameron's house had been interrupted by the sound of a piano.

For the fifteenth time that morning, Cameron sat at his electronic keyboard in the living room, playing the opening notes of Silent Night while singing with enough enthusiasm to fill a small concert hall.

Mitchell sat on the couch, wrapping the last few Christmas presents while Lily played with her toys on the carpet. Larry, meanwhile, had found a comfortable spot beneath the Christmas tree.

"Siii-lent night, ho-lyyy night..." Cameron belted in full vibrato, eyes squeezed shut as his fingers danced across the keys.

Mitchell glanced at the clock before looking toward his partner. "Cam, honey, you've been practicing that song since eight this morning. I'm pretty sure even the neighbors know the lyrics by now."

"Mitchell, Christmas is a tapestry of warmth, pageantry, and soaring vocals!" Cameron replied without missing a beat. "We are the musical backbone of this family! And since tonight is Jack and Haley's very first Christmas as hosts, I refuse to give them anything less than our holiday best."

Mitchell raised an eyebrow. "You're worried about embarrassing ourselves? Because I'm still recovering from that fifteen-minute drum solo you performed at Gloria's birthday."

"That was an artistic triumph!" Cameron protested, looking genuinely offended. "And tonight will be different. Just the two of us, singing a beautiful Christmas duet while everyone gathers around the tree. It'll be magical!"

"Right, except every time I try to sing my part, you shush me and say I'm 'stepping on your emotional arc.'"

"Because you're rushing the tempo, Mitchell!" Cameron explained, waving his hand like a symphony conductor. "You have to let the silence simmer before the crescendo!"

Before Mitchell could respond, Cameron started playing again, this time adding several elaborate flourishes between the notes.

Lily, who'd been quietly playing with her toys, finally looked up. "Daddy, why is this song taking forever?"

Cameron smiled affectionately at her. "Because, angel, true artistry requires rehearsal."

Lily considered that explanation before returning to her toys.

Unfortunately, Cameron immediately began another enthusiastic performance.

After another minute, Lily stood up, walked over to the wall beside the keyboard, and pulled the plug from the socket.

The music stopped instantly.

Cameron froze, his fingers still hovering over the keys. "Lily! Sweetheart! Why would you do that?"

Lily looked at him with an expression of complete innocence. "You said the song is called Silent Night. I'm helping you do the silent part."

Mitchell immediately burst out laughing, dropping the wrapping paper onto his lap.

Cameron stared at his daughter in disbelief before turning toward Mitchell. "Don't laugh at that, Mitchell! You're encouraging her! She just unplugged baby Jesus!"

Mitchell struggled to control his laughter. "I'm sorry, Cam, you did just tell me to let the silence simmer."

Lily nodded approvingly before walking back toward her toys.

"Can we play Silent Morning now? It's my new favorite game."

Cameron looked between them, thoroughly betrayed. "Wow. Unbelievable. I am being artistically censored in my own living room on Christmas Day!"

...

[Jay and Gloria's House]

Gloria stood in front of the bedroom mirror, struggling to pull up the zipper of a beautiful dark red gown she'd purchased during her shopping trip yesterday.

The dress looked gorgeous when she'd spotted it at the boutique, with its elegant neckline and fitted waist. Unfortunately, she'd made the mistake of buying her usual size without trying it on, convinced that it would fit perfectly.

Now, with her growing pregnant belly, the zipper refused to move past the middle of her back.

"Ay, Dios mío!" Gloria huffed, craning her neck to glare at her reflection in the mirror. "Why is this stupid zipper stuck?!"

She tried pulling the fabric together again, sucking in her stomach out of habit before remembering that there was a baby occupying the space she was trying to flatten.

At that moment, Jay entered the bedroom carrying his morning coffee. He'd been enjoying a peaceful Christmas morning downstairs and had come up to see what Gloria was doing in the bedroom for over an hour. He thought that with Manny out of the house, they could take a little drive and have a small Christmas date.

"Hey, gorgeous, since Manny's out, I figured maybe you and I could..." Jay stopped when he noticed his wife struggling with the dress.

Gloria turned toward him immediately. "Jay! Thank God! Come here and pull this thing up. I have been wrestling with this dress for twenty minutes and I am losing my mind!"

Jay placed his coffee on the dresser and walked over, examining the zipper before attempting to pull it upward. The fabric was already stretched tightly across her stomach, and he could practically hear the seams begging for mercy.

"Uh, Gloria, sweetheart, I don't think..."

He stopped himself before finishing that sentence. After 35 years of marriage to his first wife and several more with Gloria, Jay had learned that commenting on a woman's weight was dangerous territory.

Especially when that woman was pregnant, Colombian, and already furious with a piece of clothing.

Gloria caught his hesitation in the mirror and gave Jay a death glare.

"Go ahead. Finish that sentence, Jay. I dare you."

Jay immediately released the zipper. "Finish what? I was just gonna say maybe the zipper's broken. Terrible craftsmanship."

"Oh, the zipper is broken?! Don't lie to me, Jay, I see your face in the mirror!" Gloria spun around, hands on her hips. "You are thinking, 'Look at Gloria, she used to be a trophy wife and now she looks like the Christmas ham!'"

"Whoa, nobody said anything about a ham!" Jay protested, throwing his hands up in self-defense. "Gloria, you're growing a human being in there! You're supposed to pop out a little, that's how things work!"

"I know how babies work, Jay, Manny did not fall out of a piñata!" Gloria snapped, gesturing furiously at her bump. "With Manny, I wore all my regular clothes until the seventh month! Now I put on my normal size and suddenly I look like an overstuffed tamale!"

Jay glanced at the strained zipper before wisely returning his attention to her face.

"Listen to me, you could wear a burlap sack and still be a knockout," Jay said, stepping in smoothly. "But if I yank that zipper any harder, it's gonna shoot across the table at Jack's house and take out Phil's eye during the toast."

Gloria stared at him for several seconds before finally looking down at her stomach.

"Ay, this little baby..." she sighed, resting both hands over her bump. "He's not even born yet and already he's stubborn and taking up all my room. Just like his father."

Jay picked up his coffee again. "Hey, leave me out of it. At least he hasn't hidden my remote or complained about my cigars yet."

Gloria ignored him.

"Fine! The red dress stays in the closet!" she declared, marching toward her wardrobe. "But tomorrow, Jay, you are taking me back to Rodeo Drive and buying me five new dresses that actually fit this belly!"

Jay took another sip of his coffee before glancing at her. "How about right now?"

Gloria turned around, looking at him like he'd completely lost his mind. "Jay, it is Christmas! All the stores are closed! Even the expensive ones!"

"Well, excuse me for trying to be a good husband," Jay replied with a shrug. "I was actually coming up here to see if you wanted to go for a drive, maybe grab some lunch at a nice restaurant. Just the two of us, since Manny's out."

Gloria's expression immediately softened. "Ay, Jay! Why didn't you say that before?" She walked over and kissed him. "Of course I want to go on a Christmas date with my sexy husband. Now get over here and help me find something stretchy that still makes me look hot."