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PROUD WITHOUT PRIDE

The message I got from my father (the “giver”) mother (the “takee”) was that it was good to be a little ashamed of oneself. One would not offend the others, and it was good for one's self discipline.

Attitude is all. One has to have pride to get along in our brutal world.

The trouble is, a sense of pride cannot be forced, manufactured or faked.  It was an epiphany when someone said I could walk around with a smile, as I had been doing, and fool nobody.

(It's ironic that my mother gave me the advice to “Walk tall” while witnessing me getting slapped down every day.)

I lived without pride in just being myself for a long, long time. Most of my life. The majority of people do, I think. The majority of us are just mucking through and getting by on other people, the frequency of the sex life, or material things. My father got by courtesy of  bombast. He was proud without pride. He essentially outshouted his self loathing.

A person of color can't afford the luxuries of self loathing or cowardice. That's one reason I realize my parents were completely unsuited for the responsibility. They didn't think. They rationalized with “he'll grow up and get over it.” They did not give a though to the truth of what I was going to face as an adult. Incredibly stupid.

I first learned about black slavery when I was very small. I had seen a documentary that addressed it on the TV my parents had on one night. I thought of the sheer domination, being chattel, chains, slave ships and all the rest. In bed, I ruminated about the abject victimization and wondered how my people let themselves let that happen, and the conclusion I came to was that we were thoroughly incapable of protecting ourselves. I got so full of humiliated disgust and self hate that I raised my head and banged on my night table. Naturally, I went into shock and started bawling. My mother came in, and held me. Neither of us said a word. It was as if she knew and understood why I was crying. That sort of comforting was a profoundly rare understanding in my household.