PATRON REWARDS UPDATES (Patreon)

Hello dear patrons!  Brad here, your least favorite member of our crew.  I'm excited to finally get to inform you all of the Final (Final Rev 2 Final For Real This Time.doc) draft of our Patreon update.  I'll also share as much news as I can in this post to maximize the chance you actually read through it.

First up: What changes? Scary ones?

No, most of you should be indifferent or happy with the update after brainstorming with in the Discord server. (which you should join, tutorial is still sitting right here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/patreon-discord-87689493)

We're editing two tiers that have become problems to fulfill rewards for, since we don't want to disappoint you by screwing up rewards you're owed, but we still want to maximize the chance you get something you want out of this donation you're foolishly giving us.

Super Impressive Master Patrons (S.I.M.P.s,) and all tiers above them, had access to two major old rewards: A signed Magic card and a 3D model shipped to you once a season, and an INCREDIBLY COOL Discord name color.  One of these rewards, no, not the name color, has been noticeably missing for last season, which was supposed to be the final season of said reward, as I announced last Winter.

We knew it was a problematic reward even before our giant patron boom, and now it's just insane to attempt to fulfill. After talking to a lot of you in Discord we decided that for all normal rewards we're going to be moving to a digital-only reward structure.  We simply can't handle the physical rewards at our new size.

INSTEAD: We're going to keep the INCREDIBLY COOL Discord name color, but we're going to replace the shipped rewards with 2 new rewards:

1. Once per season Eric will design an STL file available for S.I.M.P.s to print and enjoy however they see fit.  We make no guarantees it will look good, and it will almost assuredly be a stupid joke.

2. You will be able to use a special promo code to get a discount on our new merch store. (I'll show it off in the next post.) Just know that I'm basically setting it up so you can wholesale buy our merch without having to pay us a cut.  The huge amount you donate more than covers the profit we could make off it.  We also got Solely Singleton merch added to the previous Poorhammer line up, as much as we have no faith it will ever sell.  Any S.I.M.P. should be able to find something they like in the new merch store page.  If you have ideas for more, don't be shy, recommend them to us.  The worst our partner says is “What? A branded flesh light?! NO!”

The second change statistically effects almost nobody, but I feel bad not taking note of a change this large.

Spiteful Idiot in it's previous form became too popular for our own good. ...Yes, a $200/month tier managed to get too popular somehow.  WE ARE ETERNALLY THANKFUL FOR EVERY SPITEFUL IDIOT, SERIOUSLY! The problem is simply how much time and effort is required to fulfill the original reward.  We had to talk to the patron to pick out a target kit, find a way to get a hold of that kit, assemble, prime, and then convince Eric to paint that kit to the best of his extremely limited ability, and then finally get it safely shipped to the Spiteful Idiot.

To explain what happened, we had a single Spiteful Idiot a couple years ago when we first made the tier.  Early this year we gained our second ever.  We laughed at the fact that two people were so stupid as to give us this much money with how small of a group we are. (I appreciate you morons so much.) The first Spiteful Idiot reward took Eric something like 6 months to ship after we started the process.  The second is STILL WAITING for his model.  It's been at the “Eric paints it” stage for a couple of months now.  (Reminder, this show is our hobby, we have rather stressful day jobs that have to come first, ...and families, I guess...)

Last month, over the course of 10 days, 3 people became Spiteful Idiots out of nowhere.  We went from 2 Idiots ever to 3 active ones in 10 days.  Eric quietly wept as he realized how many models he was now on the hook for.  As a temporary bandage I capped the tier so we couldn't end up with 50 disappointed people signing up for it only to have to tell them they'd likely keel over before seeing their reward.  As a more permanent solution I thought up a wonderful mutation of the current reward.

To explain the tier for those who've never looked past the price of it and moved on with their lives: It was set up because Eric notoriously hated the idea of painting his army and paid my wife to paint it for him.  The tier was set up as an ironic punishment for Eric to force him to paint a model for somebody else in exchange for the  donation.  I am still proud of that original reward idea.  It was some of the best torture I've ever come up with!

In changing this tier I want to ensure we keep it both spiteful and EXTREMELY STUPID to do.  Only our most foolish patrons should ever debate wasting their money this way.  I could of course make it stupid just by making the reward terrible value, that part is easy, I needed to make it SPITEFUL though.  In my moment of genius I had the kind of thought I'm not often known to have, “instead of torturing my best friend what if I torture myself?”

Presenting the new promise for all future Spiteful Idiots:

You, as a Spiteful Idiot, will receive a single unique reward for this tier in addition to all others: For each month you spend at this tier you can submit one name (within reason) I will have a nameplate printed and I will paint up and glue it to the base of one of models in my army (you can suggest specific models, but I have final say to make this easier to guarantee.) These models will then be shown off occasionally in Patreon posts or YouTube episodes for all to cackle at.

“Which of your armies, Brad?” “How is this a punishment to you?” I hear you ask.

I, Brad, known hater of all things Space Marine, will build and paint up my own Space Marine army to memorialize these Spiteful Idiots in.

What about the current backlog of Spiteful Idiots, and those who already donated?

They will get the rewards they were promised when they joined the tier, we'll make good on those no matter how much Eric laments my joke all those episodes ago.  Additionally I will reach out to those who were at the tier before this change to submit a name for each month they were at the tier.  They shall be the founding members of our most loyal of chapters.

Hydra Dominatus.