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The seatback of a flight out of Idaho coughed up the July issue of American Hunter, the official newsmagazine of the National Rifle Association. No matter on which side of the firearms discussion you fall, we can all agree that the editors of this publication left their six wide open to considerable taunting, mockery, and pokey-jerky. And no, this is not an invitation to turn the Achewood comments section into a flaming pinwheel of "debate" — let's all just agree that Pat and Rod looked great together, and move on to the noon outtakes, which are also quite rich.

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Comments

Bob the Fish Productions

Somehow Pat's abs are even less welcome to the place directly in front of my eyes than his rubber-clad chubby reaching tentatively towards Officer Huggins' balletically displayed taint

Achewood

It seems to be tied off like some kind of intimate water balloon

Douglas Wykstra

You'd think a group of gun enthusiasts would be more particular about magazine quality.

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

It's a visual podcast pretty much, right? All you need is a quick blip for ZBiotics and it's spot on. (I am afraid of guns, I'm more of a flanged mace girl)

Tom P

I understand that I must not engage in Discourse, lest I threaten the production of Gender, but I will wager the Sticky Mango Duck Tacos are real.

Achewood

hey hey hey pal take it offline! The recipe was remarkably belabored, and sincere, I will say.

Achewood

That's a good way of summarizing it. "A three hour mess from which no LLM could extract a feasible outline or plan"

Jesse LE

Pat’s abs are, canonically, “mega nasty” and “dog shit.”

Achewood

but there's no getting around that they are, to some, also "shredded and delicious"

Marc Harkness

From the CEO might be the only one you made up, would be my guess. When I was 12-13 I went through an evangelical, Soldier of Fortune, right wing phase, in rebellion against my lefty parents. My uncle was more than happy to buy me an NRA membership and I absorbed American Hunter like it was hentai. Luckily I grew out of it in about a year, but all of this shit tracks.

Aaron J. Rushton, Writer of Words

As a child of unrepentant Reaganites, I was ' ' gifted ' ' a lifetime membership in the NRA when I was about 15. My sister also received the same gift but it doesn't have sarcasm quotes for her. Anyway, my copies of American Hunter and American Rifleman tend to come camping with me as firestarter.

Amelia Hall

The Operation C.R.E.A.T.E. T.A.C.O.S. and the C.A.R.G.O. S.H.O.R.T.S. crew need a crossover. Cargo pants, cargo shorts, vests with many pockets for your "EDC". "The completely prepared masculine man". On another note, the Hog-Hunting Nights/Hogs in the Moonlight REALLY remind me of a certain hunting culture in East Texas/Louisiana: "y'all got yer hog shot ready? she's a big un, take 'er down"

Marc Harkness

Oh shit I just read the footnote. I totally got it!

Jay Y

The apple, somehow essential to hog-hunting and intimacy (which we must remember is sinful)

Achewood

Yeah the key is in gray at bottom, and you are correct. How were his tacos?

Achewood

I was just tracing a painting by Watteau. And let us not forget the dual meaning of the apple as a garnish in the mouth of the porcine.

Tom P

it is sensible to me. we may say many things about the relative positions of our stature on the Great Wheel of Gender to which society has lashed us, but I believe that many gun lovers do in fact enjoy hunting as a sport in its own right, and do strive to eat what they have slain.

Tom P

at the bottom, in small gray font

Tom P

a key... *and a bomb*

Amit Katz

That "bone on bone" copy must be real, I remember that from my pistol training classes

Achewood

EDC = Erectile Dysfunction Chews? I pray this hunting culture you mention concerns itself specifically with quadrupeds.

Achewood

Wow, so you're still packin'? The membership, anyway. Do you get a lot of mailing list spam for TVs that can be powered by creeks, powdered pot roast, etc?

Achewood

Then maybe you can explain what bone on bone contact is? We are ready.

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

They look like they have joined a special Pilates class.

Jenn

Same thought 🧠

Marc Harkness

My uncle was in rural pennsylvania and I don't think he ever had a taco until his mid-60s. With it being foreign food and all. But he did load up my fridge with several forms of venison when I went off to college, and that actually was quite awesome.

Achewood

Indeed, and many are committed conservationists, firearm safety evangelists, and healthily distrustful of government. But I said no discussion, so stop it, me!

Daniel M Ford

I'm just happy to see that Rod Huggins is still getting work.

b.zap

E-MC2 is my equation of the month

Douglas Wykstra

I assumed it was directed at the presumably-substantial number of NRA members with permanent knee braces. Either way, good to know that the community takes orthopedics seriously.

Achewood

What if that one actually creates the unified theory of everything? Has anyone tried it?

Achewood

This is a community famous for taking everything way too seriously.

Bruce Wright

God, I nailed it too! By the way, hog hunting is better than some of the other hijinks those East Texas boys get up to at night, some of which involve funny robes

Aaron J. Rushton, Writer of Words

Dude I've looked into it and it would be easier for me to fake my death to escape student loan debt than it is to end a lifetime NRA membership. But OK so the good news is that print mailings are not making the bucks they used to be and the last issue I saw had a big blurb on the cover about how it's moving to digital only soon. The junk mailer catalogs all used to be the size of a fuckin' phone book and show up once to thrice a year, but they've fortunately been priced out of all that.

b.zap

My calculator got mad and left.

Anthony Thompson

🚨🚨🚨 ONSTAD CONFESSES TO SWIPING 😭😭😭 NOT LYING THIS TIME 😤😤😤

Achewood

I think Ted Nugent uses a helicopter that blasts Wagner

b.zap

Boolean magical realism!

Achewood

If you faked your death by bump-stock assassination to escape student loan debt, you'd be chipping away at two great American institutions

Achewood

Hunting actually does something besides divide a nation, after all!

Bruce Wright

What, you haven't seen all the Kirby swipes?

Bruce Wright

I have one of those! Haven't found a use for it yet, but you never know

Achewood

Hey man Watteau has been public domain since like 1720!

severecorvid

Gobblers and Varmints: My Life Of Pain and Slaughter

Achewood

I think this was on the shelf next to Welcome To The Pewter House

2scrogz

EDC = "Every Day Carry" - the term that (mostly only) chuds use to refer to the kit of daily items they need to survive a typical trip to a suburban Starbucks: 9mm concealed-carry-sized pistol, 2 spare 10-round mags, hunting knife, Dude-Wipes (tm), blood pressure medication, wallet, phone, keys to house & Ford Raptor.

Omurice

Don’t rest your elbow on your knee while firing….

2scrogz

The man could find work on Mars, people!

2scrogz

Forgot to add: pocket-sized copy of US Constitution that has never been read past the 2nd Amendment. Dog-tags with blood-type, DL#, and medical insurance information. Earbuds for listening to deeply misinformed pod-cast hot-takes.

b.zap

Red Planet, Red America, he can do it all

2scrogz

Betteridge's Law of Headlines dictates that, most likely, the strange Antarctic squid will not, in fact, solve America's "memory crisis."

Achewood

What is with this being the decade of the dude-wipe? I get that toilet paper is a mixed proposition, but of all the demographics to take anal hygiene seriously, I—never mind

Shawn Warren

congrats to Pat for nominally pulling his physique above the dogshit threshold

Achewood

"What's that weird squid doing over there at the bottom of the sea?!" "Sssh! He's solving America's memory crisis!"

Zen Window

There is little funnier in this world than spotting the exact point on the 15MPH tight corner of cultural discourse where hypermachomanmasculine starts to look more gay than straight. The tragedy is when bros taking that corner well over the posted speed don't realize happiness is right there in front of them if only they'd embrace it before they fly off the road. Alas, the usual ending to that story is more American Beauty than Threesome. If anyone has a better positive-ish example than Threesome for male straight-to-kinda-gay, I'm all ears. It's not a genre I'm terribly familiar with. Heated Rivalry? I have no idea.

Achewood

Dude looksmaxx'd before that was even the most idiotic new word of the age, which means it's going to be the M-W word of the year of course

Amelia Hall

We've come a long way (?) as a society since "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch".

Achewood

Was that in the Federalist Papers or something? I'm unfamiliar.

Amelia Hall

well... bidets are European and thus potentially queer. dude-wipes are disposable and cause sewer problems - it's the perfect compromise for the manly man of today.

Achewood

Makin' work for the brother tradies! It all becomes clear now.

John Kenda

My cousins take from last week "The NRA still owns the banquet hall and the stuffed elk head, but GOAL has the table where everyone is arguing about liberty while someone quietly reloads magazines next to the crockpot.". Gun owners action league. Apparently there was a schism

Achewood

America was born a schism, I suppose they're just expressing their DNA by dividing and multiplying. What was in the crock pot? Tacos?

John Kenda

Only if they were gun-shaped.

GruntyGinMan

Who put that picture of me Mark Bishop, explaining Bone on Boner contact. Also the CEO of NRA couldn't afford vision insurance after that lawsuit so everyone can go [sin against themselves]

GruntyGinMan

I think that they are just saying it's a one of the steps in the "draw and shoot" process, e.g. bring it up close to your chest that your hand-bones and chest bones are touching, THEN extend, don't just bring it up arm out.

Achewood

What did the NRA get sued for...*this time* [slide whistle]

GruntyGinMan

I 100% have seen these in other hunting magazines, e.g. "now that I have shot this wild game animal what can I make with it"

GruntyGinMan

probably fucking up their recycling in Fairfax County, tbh

Achewood

When your life is on the line and seconds matter, can you really afford to do things correctly?

GruntyGinMan

It's interesting, because in many places gun ranges use the NRA as a vehicle to get insurance, and the NRA says "you have to have at least x number of members be NRA members to use our insurance". The NRA HQ is reasonably nearby and they, perhaps not surprisingly, have a range in the basement open to the public. Perhaps surprisingly, no NRA membership is required, and the "no photos, no gun rentals, take a safety test first" requirements make it by far the best range in the area. All the other ranges have gun rentals and allow photography which leads to tourists. I have a range a few miles down the street and have flipped a bitch out of the waiting area seeing a big coach bus of tourists pull up who want to engage in the most American of Past times, acting dangerously around guns.

GruntyGinMan

I don't even do things correctly when I have a checklist and all the time in the world.

jordan b.

you mean the new handgun that I ... BONED?

John Kenda

I used to live in Vegas, and every single one of my Scottish and German friends wanted to go the range when they came to town. Was it the range by the Hustler strip clubs? Two birds, they're saying. There's some Euro guide to Vegas that recommends exactly this.

John Kenda

C'mon man, he ain't dig on jokes about his family

E Corcoran

Among firearms enthusiasts it's known as "bone on bone contact"

GruntyGinMan

Lotta ranges in Vegas, some more touristy than others. I don't doubt they have such as a package deal.

Achewood

rod ass bone rod ass bone rod ass bone [this is the sound of a truck engine idling outside Fantasyy Adult Boox n More]

John Kenda

There's a full automatic joke in here somewhere

Achewood

That’s our man! He has a rich cousin.

rickward

stock photo used in the same issue for both advertising and feature gotta be real

Achewood

These are the publications where the art department is also the layout and prepress person and actually the only person who puts it all together, and they are constantly having heart attacks about being told what to create while also having zero resources or budget, by people who don't know how publications are made

rickward

there but for the grace of God go I

Gozan

Is the memory crisis that Americans remember too little or too much, though?

Ian Stewart

Of course, you understand that Operation C.R.E.A.T.E. T.A.C.O.S. practically demands a t-shirt. And I can't help but think (fear?) it might have been part of the same campaign as BREAST ATTACK ON FUCK MOUNTAIN

Amit Katz

The bones in question are the bones of your two wrists if I remember right. It's to remind you to get a tight grip with both hands.

Tim Hulsizer

BAoFM is still one of my Top 3 Brian Eno projects

Datura

panels rated by how much i think you made them (10 is definitely you, 1 is definitely them) hog nights: 1 first mango tacos panel: 3 second mango tacos panel: 10 bone on bone: 2 squid: 5 moonlight hogs: 4 front/rear: 1 white on white: 9 cock pills: 1