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It would be natural to think the fellas weren't swept along to México with the rest of their brothers because they are already emotionally actualized men, but that is not the case. Ray simply fears a repeat encounter with Lonis Edison, and Beef & Téodor typically fall in suit behind him. This isn't to say that Lonis won't make a repeat appearance, mind you. Bad luck is stronger than the dollar, and thanks to his Antonyne genetics, Ray does have a latent bit of the former. The answer comes next Friday...only on...the Internet!

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Files

Comments

Josh Egbert

Finally, I have direction in my life.

Achewood

We're doing a "hello's and hi's" webinar Saturday, signups available at AaaarthurTheCat!LovesYou.com

jordan b.

I'm not sure what I'd like less, to be greeted every half-second or to have to make eye contact and say hello to people.

Achewood

I think the key here is to avoid Walmart. Although I did get a toaster there for $9 once, when I was having a rough year

Josh Egbert

As long as I don't have to talk about my feelings, I'm there.

Nicholas Williams

Estos hombres no pueden comer antojitos hasta que me miren a los ojos.

Achewood

Support Group has never been very successful when the participants discuss their feelings anyway

Achewood

Was that a line from El Mariachi?

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Um, no need to make the New Men make eye contact. So many people are shy, neurodivergent, introverted, preoccupied, or all 4. I'm sure a whole lot of them live in Mexico. I wondered if you'd make Sheinbaum the president when I saw the email, and it looks like you did, unless she's not.

b.zap

*So* greeted

Achewood

That's right, the only other sounds were tequila shot glasses falling off of splintering tables

Achewood

I got so greeted, I ate the cart-wipes

Nicholas Williams

Rumor has it that movie only cost $7000 to make and I was like “no way dude.” But then I watched it and $7000 seems about right. No shade though.

Daniel M Ford

I would rather learn to be a roofer than learn to make eye contact with strangers at Wal-Mart.

Achewood

It was the perfect amount of money to make sure college age guys went around mentioning The Wild Bunch to each other for four years straight

b.zap

I got greet expectations

Achewood

Dapper Dan Ford, Birdhouse Roofer To The Stars

Achewood

There was a thing in one building at college where guys who were peeing would write plays on the word "grout" in the grout in front of the urinal. Grout Expectations, The Grout Gatsby, etc

Miles McMahon

I don't go to Walmart a whole bunch but I don't think I've ever actually been greeted by a "greeter"

blair

It's true. I got an Argentine knockoff of a Wusthof chef's knife there for twenty bucks as a broke-ass grad student, and thirty years later it's still in play.

b.zap

Hopefully not with their urine, cus that sounds like a challenge

Bruce Wright

I love Lonis, but is his warehouse in Animal Mexico?

Achewood

I think they're more about "Non-interventive loss observation"

Achewood

Who knows, man. Who knows...

Phineas X. Jones

I just hope someone on Claudia Sheinbaum's staff is alerting her to her admission to the Achewood Universe (unless that happened before and I missed it but I hope she knows in any case.)

Achewood

Maybe if it had snowed in the mens room at college, but I went to school in California, not like Baltimore or Fargo

Achewood

I hope they do, the ceremony is at 5:30

b.zap

the grout state of californie

Achewood

Reports of my death are groutly exaggerated

Oppido

According to Walmart's corporate site, the company operates a total of 3,316 retail units in Mexico. (This includes all Walmart supercenters, Sam's Club locations, Bodega Aurreras, etc.) So, that works out to 30,156 greeters at every store. Maybe Mexican Magical Realism will allow them to materialize as needed, and then vanish into the ether again? https://corporate.walmart.com/about/international/markets/mexico

Achewood

Funny, I do some math of *exactly this sort* in the noon installment!

Achewood

It works out to about 1 greeter for every four products in their 140,000-sku system. Imagine each product getting its own ambassador! Imagine being the product ambassador for a 12-pack of Plackers.

Amelia Hall

This storyline makes me interested in what happened when 100 million men left America. México has gained many saludadores, what has America gained/lost in the process? Either way, me lo amo este cuenta.

Doug Mosurock

are the Ray buttplugs still lodged in these men?

Achewood

I sense the females are enjoying it more than the males. What happens to America in this case? MILLIONS of theoretical F-150s are left unconfigured!

Oppido

Congratulations 100,000,000/3,316, you are the equation of the week.

b.zap

8 dudes crowding up to say how grout it looks on you

Achewood

I have a theory they are slowly dissolving into the men, at which point the petrochemicals and microplastics will make them chemically American again

E Corcoran

You should do a funny comic about Donald Trump

Achewood

I was going to write a relevant reply but this asshole next to me in the coffee shop just started doing a zoom call. Who the fuck takes a call indoors at a cafe, who is this base animal, raised by dogs and trash bags that explode like hot corpses under mortar fire

Achewood

This is the one place he doesn't get airtime

Spyguitar

I just picked up a Casio Royale (IYKYK) there for $30, and a chocolate covered Payday which I didn't know existed, so I'm less of a Walmart-hater than I was last week

Achewood

I always found Walmart a good place to get a contact buzz off the chemicals used in the fake Crocs

Oppido

The hypothetical brave version of me, who does not exist, likes to go stand over the person's shoulder and act like I was invited to the conversation, and, when confronted, go "What? I thought we were all part of this call."

Achewood

That's way nicer than my idea of him getting crushed by logs that fall off a logging truck and just ruin his part of the coffee shop

Oppido

OR, go sit next to the guy and launch a competing Zoom call of my own. This brave version of me, who I must again emphasize does not exist and never will, sure gets up to some nervy stuff.

Achewood

I would pay $10 for an app that let me hack into the zoom call next to me and fuck around

E Corcoran

Might as well go all in at this point

Achewood

I guess I have taken jabs at him before (“corny douchebag” etc)

A. Hamster

Grout Almondine with haricots verts and griddled lemon

A. Hamster

This reminds me of high school when we would all go to lunch at the same time, and the guy behind you in the drive thru at Jack In The Box would yell random menu items to get your order confused. Perhaps a similar application of dickishness could be used for this Zoom call? Look over his shoulder at the participant names, choose Ralph, and then just say “fuck you Ralph”

Achewood

That is way easier sounding than my plan of calling a really badly loaded logging truck

Achewood

“Grout enchiladas, Max!” (Ok sorry I had nothing)

Professor Hazard

all we know for sure is that Donald Trump fucking a Female Donald Trump would be an infinite energy source

Shaughn Kern

Are the greeters given Fiesta Names, or do they help give out Fiesta Names?

Douglas Wykstra

*Eyes nervously slide off comic to a fixed spot two inches to its right*

Nicholas Williams

I know that when I was in college I was straight-up mentioning The Wild Bunch most of the time.

s b

I’ll maintain you totally called this whole shebang with Ray’s presidential run

GruntyGinMan

Man I thought the president of Mexico was an otter

b.zap

naw dogg ur doing greet

Dan Gibbins

This is the most terrifying Wal-Mart specific announcement I've ever heard

Achewood

They all have the same fiesta name, Miguel Ortiz de María de Castellón, owing to a snafu in the Fiesta Name software which just names everyone after a minor seventeenth-century tinsmith.

Achewood

I will respectfully not attempt to engage this comment in conversation.

Achewood

He retired to a country home where there are always oranges rolling down the hillside; it’s not clear where they are coming from, but it is steady

Achewood

Some are saying there are even men locked inside the glass cases with the inkjet refills and usb cables, ready to greet you

Caleb Gerard

you mean the Baby Ruth bar? is that not a nationwide treat?

Achewood

I wouldn't be surprised if the enrobing polymers used in Baby Ruth bars, Crocs, and Payday bars come from the same dark, sticky, New Jersey shipping drum