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25 Random Things About Me (Ray Smuckles, PDF) (Patreon)

Published:
2026-06-03 17:00:14
Imported:
2026-09
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From the Achewood Assetbar Service, January 31, 2009. Last available 2011. 

This lengthy piece is kindly presented as an attachment. Thank you to our sponsor, Adobe PDF & Sons.

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Comments

Josh Egbert

His wisdom about burgers should be more loudly presented

RavenWorks

"Dude seems pre-loaded with some idea" is putting into focus something that I have silently tolerated my whole life and I am going to be mulling it over for a while.

Achewood

Seriously, the cashews thing...think about it. Dark-toasted sesame seeds too. They're wasted on top of the bun.

Achewood

There's this social media psychological prestidigitario fella named Chase Hughes who teaches little morsels about how to recognize and deal with people like Pat, it's neat

Josh Egbert

Ray has always been a source of cooking inspiration for me.

Achewood

"just make it bigger and protein-ier"

Crumbles

Dear Ray, the few photos of me that exist online are from roughly whenever that account was created. Has failing to update these pics kept me from being a baller on your level? I can't really imagine having the wherewithal to change them.

Achewood

I can't answer for Ray, but I do know for a fact that he hasn't really updated any of his pictures either. These days he has a huge beard and dresses like Adam Sandler.

Nicholas Williams

I used to really not care about lingerie but the older I get the more it intrigues me. It's wonderful that life can still change my mind, especially about things like lingerie and what it does to my brain/body. Also I can "sleeve" Thin Mints.

Bruce Wright

I am most assuredly an eleven man as well. Represent! (After I've had my Nespresso)

Rob Dalton

fuck you, ray — i broke my collarbone three times before i was 16: skateboard, bike, bike again (the first day i had my brace off i'm riding home and an older kid leans out of a station wagon, yells "hamburger meat!" and punches me and down i go, nearly hit a saguaro, and yep: rebroke). now on the far side of 50 (mos def "back nine") i went skiing with my kid a couple years ago and got a bake on and popped in the earbuds in a total whiteout and somehow (!) got OOB and found myself airborne—came to yard-sale style with the same damn clavicle broken into seven pieces. my surgeon brought in a bunch of punk-ass baby doctors to see his handiwork, all bragging about the puzzle my bone had become in my shoulder apparatus. father of the year award, tho: spent the whole day in the med tent at the base listening to podcasts about neuroscience (the brain is straight-up miraculous weirdness y'all) so my kid could get his swerve on. this rant brought to you by the titanium bracket holding my shoulder together.

Achewood

This is a good sign that your brain is still trying to hold onto life despite being old enough to get put in the forest by kids

Achewood

dogg ain't you worried about micro bispotheneleleliols in your mug with those Petro industrial complex pods !

Bruce Wright

Naw man, they're God's true aluminum! This ain't no Keurig shit

Achewood

So you have more or less gotten your bone on six times. I keep seeing clippet-snippets of this brain parlor trick guy Chase Hughes, he's like a retired military people-understander-guy, you may enjoy this. He teaches you how to tell if someone is a dick *before they even do their dickness*

Achewood

There's gonna be special memory care units for folks who owned Keurigs or used the one at the "nice" Jiffy Lube

Rob Dalton

chase hughes was the older kid in the station wagon. so when that motherfucker says "fear is the most certain way to increase predictability in human beings" he is talking about teenage me.

Ian Tucker

#10 has me gasp laughing at work. People are wondering why I'm covering my face and wheezing. I need to close my office door and catch my breath.

Achewood

I truly do strive to create intelligent content with lasting dignity…but I also know what works

GruntyGinMan

Ray, I am asking some advice from a businessman such as yourself. I currently have a coworker who is in management over me, but has frequent problems with absenteeism. He will disappear for days at a time, I am quite certain as soon as he has PTO he expends it, although he has said in the past he has taken leave without pay. The upshot of all this is frequently customers/stakeholders hit me up and ask for updates on promises made that none of us have heard of, including me, the nominal team lead. Because the team is pretty good at being on our feet, we've managed to not have too many disasters. Today though was one of those days where he was gone for much of the week and came rolling in at 2:30 in the afternoon. Senior management doesn't seem to care TOO much, and I suspect that's because we really are that good that we haven't embarrassed the program manager over it. My question is, how do I deal with this without becoming adversarial with this dotted line boss, whining to upper management, or taking the obvious route of intentionally tanking an Ask from customers/stakeholders who go "well, Showbiz said..."(it is not actually RB's brother) and Causing Problems with the program manager when it gets back to him? -Grunty

2scrogz

"Add a damn buttery pilaf, Dogg."

Achewood

Nobody came to Ray's Pilaf Beneath the Stars party. He was a little too self-blinded with that one

Josh Egbert

That one nearly got him audited by the IRS

Achewood

Since all IRS agents think rice pilaf is the height of nice side dishes, he was able to sweet-talk them with some dinner tickets to a nearby rest home

2scrogz

I am not Ray, but I have a professional certification in "Project Management" - aka "Keeping the Corpo Sludge Moving, In Spite of How Terrible Most People Are" - and that is like a very distant second place to actually being Ray, so here goes. This reads like a hypothetical problem on the multiple-choice certification test, except with more detail than they ever gave us. The project management guidelines would recommend something along the lines of: Have a 1-on-1 with the boss, ask if he is okay first and foremost - Leading With Empathy! - and raise that there have been several instances where customer expectations didn't align with what you'd been told and that only through the team going the extra mile were you able to meet them to keep the customer satisfied. (Stressing how Customer-Centric you are!) Raise it from the lens of, "I'm concerned customers are claiming that we committed to things that we didn't actually commit to, and I want to ensure we are delivering exactly what we commit - but sometimes you're not around when we need to confirm what the customer is telling us, and I would never want to interrupt anyone's time off or personal leave with such questions. Can we document and commit to a stakeholder-engagement plan to ensure we're all on the same page, you, me, and the customer, every step of the way?" The "plan" in question is basically, "CC Grunty on every customer communication. If customer feedback leads to us updating the project requirements, here is the process by which [Bossman] should document the change so that everyone involved is adequately informed." DAMN I just dropped a hot fresh Bizness-Handling on this thread! You can have that one for free. Next step is gonna cost you about $3.50 plus shipping and handling to the lower 48. Because this is AMERICA, BABYYYY!!! (*Hearrgghhhh* I just puked in my mouth a little bit.)

Achewood

To be played by Daniel Day Lewis in the feature film (7 minutes, just two dudes getting tacos at outdoor seating)

Shawn Ritchie

I read this when it originally came out and I still use "I don't want to, and I can't" in conversation on the regular.

Spyguitar

Ray. Ray, Ray, Ray... you gotta ask your lady to put the panties on _over_ the garter belt/stockings rig. (Also, probably don't refer to it as a "rig", at least not when you're talking to your lady)

FactWino

Re: #16, I submit that the ladies you’ve been with do not know the proper way to wear lingerie of that type. The panties go on last, not first. For the reason given and also so that she may use the powder room without undue stress. Can you imagine really needing to go and having to deal with all of that?

GruntyGinMan

I also have a certificate in Project Management! I have already spoken with him twice, with various unconvincing "yeah I know" responses. At this junction I feel as if a third time will ultimately be counterintuitive/nagging. I've been careful to ensure that when he calls out/calls out very late, I send out a "he is OOO email", but as long as everyone thing otherwise yelling smoothly the PM does not seem to care.

Doc G

If more of us could just accept our bodies as those of good, happy people