BKM. LOG-007. (Patreon)

LOG-007."Scanners say it passed through here! Move move move!"I waited, resisting the urge to try and fail to hum to myself as the trio of guys sprinted down the hallway, turning the corner and disappearing out of sight.Another few seconds passed before I finally slithered my bony ass out of the vent I'd been sitting in, wincing slightly at the clatter of my bandolier and stolen weapon impacting against the metal around me, right up until I finally landed on my feet with a quiet thump.So...where the fuck was I now? There weren't any convenient signs here, unfortunately. Or if there were, they were shitty enough that I couldn't see them.Ah whatever, eenie meenie miney mo-Bzz.Staring down at the resistant keypad, I tried to put in the same code.One...one...one...three?Bzz.Damn. Well, I guessed it was wishful thinking to hope it would work everywhere. Suppose I'd just have to try one of the other doo-Swish."Who's out there? I'm trying to get some fucking sleep you dumbass!"The disgruntled looking man rubbed his eyes as he strode outside what I now realised was some kind of private bedroom, his uniform (some fancy looking suit thing) looking as if he'd thrown it on in a hurry.Then he looked up, and immediately froze at the sight of me."..."Cheerfully leveling my negotiation tool at the poor bastard, I took a single step forward, tail just barely darting out of the way as the door shut behind me.His eyes remained locked onto what I assumed was my mouth, even as the barrel of the weapon poked against his chest.Staring right back, I did my best to 'cycle' through my different forms of vision, even as all of them continued to overlap each other. Right up until I managed to get one that let me actually read the little nametag hanging off of his neck via lanyard.Lucas Donovan. Vessel Administrator....Huh. Well that certainly sounded important. Now...Slowly, I tilted the barrel upwards, up until it gently impacted with the now shaking man's chin, before waving my hand towards the door behind me.His eyes flickered to the side, even as his mouth made unintelligible noises that I assumed were meant to be words.The urge to roll my eyes came...and immediately went as it usually did upon remembrance of the fact that I didn't exactly have those anymore, even as I reached forward, halting a shriek from the man as I did my best to grip the front of his face without slicing the guy apart.Dragging him around, I pushed him in front of the keypad mirroring the one on the other side.He paused, turning to glance at me, then back to the keypad. Somehow, his entire body stiffened even further as he presumably caught on to what I was getting at, his breaths halting entirely."No..."Tilting my head, I pulled the gun upward slightly, poking him in the shoulder.He shivered in response, shaking his head as he continued to glance between me and the one thing keeping me locked in his fancy room."No no no-what the fuck what are you...how are you-"I lifted a single hand, three fingers pointing upwards, and began to lower one."-doing this fuck alright alright!"He continued to mutter under his breath, even as shaking fingers typed in an entirely separate code to the one I'd been using. Additionally, I watched as he pulled at his lanyard, exposing the front of his nametag toward the keypad's screen."Administrator level access: detected."Click.Turning back to look at me, he slowly gestured toward the now exposed hallway."There...see? Free to go. Plenty of people you can fucking eat. There's this pretty little thing near the cafeteria. N-no reason to get me-"Bonk.The bottom of my gun's barrel impacted with the top of his shiny dome hard enough that his entire body jerked slightly downwards, right up until his legs gave out, sending the rest of him toppling to the floor.Reaching down, I made to yank the lanyard off his neck, thought better of it, and slowly pulled it off instead, carefully letting it slide down my own banana shaped skull.The door swished shut again, prompting me to glance at the keypad and reach out with my free hand.Two...eight...four...seven. And now present the nametag..."Administrator level access: detected."Click.Grinning (which probably looked horrific on my new mug, both oh well), I stepped out of the bedroom, glancing side to side as the door closed back up behind me.Alright...round two! Eenie meenie miney mo-WARRIOR!Gah fuck! Motherfucker! What!?PREY! KILL!...What? The fuck do you mea-Realisation hit me just as the sound of several sets of boots stomping just beyond the corner reached me, prompting me to turn around and lock...well, not lock eyes with several shocked looking fellows fitted in what I assumed were combat uniforms, judging by the weapons they were packing and the weird chest rigs they had on....Ah. Well then. Thanks mum.PRIDE! KILL! SURVIVE!I considered those mental 'words' for a moment, before quickly leveling my weapon downrange, both hands used to support the damned thing, and promptly pulling the trigger.RATATATATATATATATA!Doing my best to ignore the screams and shouts (not all that hard to do, considering they were mostly being drowned out by the loud as fuck gunfire), I slowly began to walk backwards, keeping my violent dissuasion device as steady as I could while doing so.A few seconds later, and I was turning the corner and legging it, trying my best to suppress the rather visceral image of one of the guards (at least I assumed they were guards) being reduced to so much chunky salsa, even as the men around him either hit the deck or leapt back around the corner....I had no choice. Kill or be killed and all that....And I also didn't actually feel all that bad. Huh.Which in turn promptly made me feel more than a little worried because what the fuck I'd just salsafied a man!CLEVER! PRIDE!You be quiet you utter creature! Now...new door! And this one was at the end of wherever this hallway led to, so..."Down this way! Why the fuck does it have a gun!? Since when did they use guns!?"Ah fuck it, better in there (whatever in there actually entailed) than waiting for them to catch me out here!Two...eight...four...seven. Nametag, because I am most definitely Donovan yes that is most certainly meeeee-"Administrator level access: detected."Click.I strode through the door confidently, then slowly froze in what was probably a hilarious parody to my previous encounter as well over a dozen people turned around in their seats to stare at me, the quiet hum of computer consoles and who knew what else filling the air.Even more notable was the fact that this place had windows, and that the outside appeared to be motherfucking space. Because oh yeah, I was on a God damned starship apparently. Great. Just so, so very fucking awesome.The door swished closed behind me.One of the women to my left began to scream, even as a man with a fancy looking hat began to scramble at what looked like a pistol....Right then.---"Wait wait wait-argh!"Sarah watched in horror as the captain's attempt to reach for his sidearm was promptly countered by the monster invading the bridge, namely by decking him over the head with a gun as big as her torso.The technician winced as her superior crumpled to the floor at a harsh angle, then immediately ducked in fear as the fuckmothering xenomorph whirled around, pointing the gun at a still screaming Rebecca and hefted the weapon once more, shaking it at her coworker threateningly and letting out a long hiss.Because it had a gun. Somehow.Part of her was still trying to compute that.Nonetheless, survival instincts apparently won out over panic as the terrified woman's mouth all but slammed shut with an audible clack, the alien creature staring at her for a moment before letting out what sounded like a suspiciously approving huff....Which didn't make sense, because xenomorphs weren't supposed to have the fucking mental capacity to feel approval but hey what did she know, right!?Ignorant of her thoughts and already taking another step forward, the loose science experiment (where the fuck were security!?) slowly panned the gun around, hissing again.Sarah kept her butt firmly planted to her chair as that very dangerous looking barrel pointed her way, and by the sound of it, everyone else aboard the bridge did the exact same thing, even as the xenomorph slowly prowled up to the captain's chair, glancing at the console in front of it.Her breath caught in her throat as it began to poke at the screen, tilting its head as the ship's AI (older than most, but definitely still functional despite the company being cheap pricks as per usual) promptly spat out the proper response for anyone trying to access the captain's console without permission."Unregistered user detected. Please identify using the relevant input. Failure to comply will result in a call to security."Her eyes roved over the black exoskeleton making up the monster's form, probably bulging a little out of her skull as she noted the fucking bandolier of grenades neatly wrapped around its torso, as if it was some kind of God damned action movie hero.Tap tap. Tap tap....Oh what the fuck.Uncaring of the mental crisis it was no doubt causing to everyone within visual range of it, the creature reached for what she finally recognized to be an identification card hanging around its spindly neck, tapping it up against the screen with what almost looked like hesitation."Administrator level access: detected."Sarah tried her best not to piss herself."Accessing settings."She really did."Announcement selected. Text to speech mode."She really, really did."Look at me. Look at me. I am the captain now."