Neighbor just wants to help. (Patreon)

“Hey sir. My mom sent me over to see if you might want some help with chores? I figured I’d just come over and ask, seeing as you don’t seem to go out much. I can see why. I mean, she told me you were obese but . . . fuck, man, how much do you weigh? Do you mind me asking that? I’ve never even imagined someone could be as fat as you are. You’re fucking enormous! That gut is incredible: it just goes on for ever. So much fucking blubber; how do you even stand up? Sorry to be so personal, but Jesus you are massive. What could I do for you? Well, I could do your grocery shopping for one. Bring you all the delicious, fattening treats you obviously love; help you around the house, maybe . . . um, maybe feed you every now and then. Uh-oh, busted! Yeah, my mom doesn’t even know I’m here. I saw you when you were shirtless in your yard the other day and I’ve been rock hard ever since. Want me to come in? Gonna take a lot of energy to devour that sheet cake I see on the counter: why risk burning calories eating it yourself?”