Chapter 5 - Dreams (Patreon)

It was nighttime. No one else in my home was awake but me.

I stood in front of my mirror and lifted my hair. My fingers played with two little horns—barely the size of pebbles—lightly poking out of my head.

“At least they’re black. Very hard to see even when my hair isn’t perfect,” I uttered, messing with the strands.

Curious even though I already knew the outcome, I pulled on the ends. A slight headache formed. I gave another yank, and my brain pulsed with pain.

“Gods forbid I accidentally run into something,” I muttered as I laid down in bed.

I was still the only one who knew what I was: an archdevil.

Bumps started forming in my head years prior. The tips only surfaced this year.

I remembered my birth father saying something about horns when I was born, but it was such a one-off statement so far in the past I forgot it. Besides, I didn’t see any on my birth mother. I’d have remembered if I did. Either she didn’t have them, or she cut them off. There were just never any signs that I would grow horns, and my ears looked a bit too much like forest devils for me to think otherwise.

“Now that I think about it, the ones I’ve seen on others point more upward toward their heads,” I muttered while playing with the tips of my ears. “Mine aren’t as long and go back instead of up.”

What Quintin told me was very helpful, but it only made me worry more about the future. If even a fraction of what he said was true, no one—not even my parents—could know I had these horns. Ever. Life as a forest devil was tough, but being an archdevil meant a death sentence, especially since I didn’t have any mana, training, or power.

“I’ll definitely have to shave them down eventually.” I tapped the tiny bumps hidden in my hair. “That’s going to hurt so bad, I can tell.”

I flew out of bed and started pacing around my room. I didn’t have a door or anything. I resided on the second floor of our home in an open storage area Quintin and Amalia converted into my bedroom as I got older. I could look down off the small railing by my stairs and see the kitchen below. The floorboards were squeaky, but I was used to them and knew exactly where to step as I enacted my panic-induced mania.

It wasn’t the first time, after all.

I found myself questioning whether I had been intentionally placed in the body of an archdevil or if it was by chance. If it was by chance, it meant I had horrible luck, but it also suggested that my luck couldn’t possibly get any worse. However, if it was deliberate, there had to be a reason behind my transformation. If it stemmed from my past life, perhaps becoming an archdevil was a form of punishment. But then, considering their power and mythology, maybe it was a reward—though it certainly didn’t feel like one.

Regardless, the fact remained. I was an archdevil living alone on the Human Continent.

“Will things change when I awaken?” I looked at my wrists where the marks would one day appear. “Will a tail suddenly appear? What’s going to happen to me? Shit, I don’t know. I hate this.”

I started thinking of contingency plans.

“Worst case?” I’m hunted. On the run. I should assume that. The plan stays the same—just with more stress. Keeping hiding. Get stronger. Have an escape plan ready in case it all goes to shit.” I paused. “Do other devils hate archdevils?” I paused again. “I don’t know. If I can find one I can trust, it might be worth getting some information out of them about my kind. Otherwise, it’d be best to stay hidden for as long as possible. This is my burden to bear alone.”

I collapsed onto the bed again, limbs heavy. My skull throbbed from all the overthinking. I shut my eyes. Just for a second.

I waited for sleep.

It didn’t come.  

“Screw it. I can’t…sleep?”

I was aloft in a giant cage drifting in an endless sky.

Floating. Weightless. Caged in an endless sky. The metal was cold under my legs, the feeling too familiar. A shiver ran down my spine as a sense of familiarity scratched the back of my brain.

Suddenly, all my memories of being here came flooding back.

This is where I ended up when I died. I remembered. But…I still can’t remember who I am. Why only that?

I scanned the entire place. It was empty. I didn’t see the woman, the sky full of floating people, or the giant hand that tried to crush me before. Just the cage and an endless sky of wispy clouds.

“No. No, no, no.” I scrambled to the bars, my breath sharp. I looked down. My stomach lurched. “Did I die again?!”

“No, you’re just asleep,” a voice spoke closely into my ear—too close, too soft, too warm. Like breath against my skin. But there was no breath.

I jolted, a gasp catching in my throat. My back hit the bars with a metallic clang.

A woman stood behind me—too still, hands clasped neatly behind her back like she had always been there. She had no eyes, mouth, nose, or ears. Just a smooth, featureless skin. Her body was black and featureless, like a giant doll carved from metallic shadows. But her hair—it moved. Silver strands slithered and curled in the air and around her figure, weightless, shifting like a living thing.

“Hello, you adorable little thing!”

Her voice was bright. Cheerful. Sweet.

It didn’t belong.

Shocked, I tried to move further away, but my feet slipped on the metal underfoot. “Gah!” My head bounced against the cage bars painfully, but my eyes never left the odd figure before me.

“Sorry, sorry!” The being lifted its hands and waved at me sheepishly. “I don’t get much company. You? First in a decade. Barely a chat since then. My bad. If I could have made this happen earlier, I would have. Hell, I’d talk to you every day if I could!”

The being was clearly a woman based on her mannerisms and voice, but everything else about her seemed alien. Her personality didn’t fit her either. It was overly girlish yet sarcastic.

“I thought this would be easier than standing creepily in the corner of the cage, bellowing your name, then giving you unrivaled power.”

“What? Power? Creepy? What? What power? Why would you do that? Huh?” My voice came out sporadic. I spat out words the same way a bird might eat seeds off the ground.

“See? I made the right choice. Talking is always better.”

“Who are you?!”

“Ummm…” The being trailed off. “Eve!”

It was a blatant lie. Painfully obvious. Angry, I pointed an accusatory finger at her. “You made that up!”

Even stared at me sheepishly. “So what?”

“Do you know what you look like?! Where we are?! Who’d believe a single thing you said?!”

“Rude. Interesting you’d judge someone’s looks given what you are now,” said Eve.

I flinched.

“Ha! Gotcha, bitch!” Eve snapped her fingers, twirled in place, then dramatically pointed a finger at me. “Let’s be friends now, alright? Did I make the name up on the spot? Absolutely. But I had a reason!”

“And that is?”

“I don’t have a name.”

“Ah. Sure.”

“Oh, come on.” Eve pouted—exaggerated and dramatic. Her shoulders slumped like a puppet with cut strings. “You wound me. Yen. Do you still think I’m lying?”

I nodded. “Absolutely.”

“Well, I can’t do anything about that. You’ll come to love me someday. Just be patient.”

“Whatever you say,” I said more calmly. It was apparent that ‘Eve’ meant me no harm, at least for now. “Were you the one who brought me into this world?”

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

Eve shrugged. Her silvery hair glittered around her obsidian body. “It’s impossible to explain.”

“Why are you acting so different from when I last saw you?” I said instead, opting to move on. In the few moments I’d known her, I could tell she had an exhausting, hyper personality and was just as stubborn as she was dramatic.

“I was adjusting.”

I waited for her to elaborate, but Eve never did. “Is this how this is going to be? Bullshit answers?” I asked.

“At least you’re not afraid of me anymore,” said Eve with a chuckle. “Look at you.”

I was standing again. My arms were crossed, and I was mere inches from Eve. “I’ve adjusted.”

Eve snapped her fingers and pointed at me. “Haha! Funny. Good call back.” She flittered around the cage, circling me until she was on my left side. Cocking her head, she stared at me with her distorted, mannequin-like face. “It’s been boring waiting to contact you. I wanted to do it soooo much sooner! It’s the earliest I could, you know. Couldn’t find a window until you awakened to your mana. Congratulations, by the way.”

“Wait, I did?” Focusing on my body, I felt a tingling sensation in my brain and skin. Is it really happening?

Eve nodded enthusiastically. “You betcha! It’s happening right now as we speak. We wouldn’t be talking together otherwise. I took advantage of a small gap created by the process to slip in and talk to you. Isn’t that neat?”

“What…What does that even mean?”

“Don’t worry about it. Just know I’m checking up on you. You’re very, very important to me.” Eve put her hands behind her back, walked away, twirled, and dipped her head forward to look at me pointedly. “How are you feeling?” Her voice seemed to dip, swimming through the air like a predatory fish. “Adjusting well? Feel a little selfish? A little off? Perhaps you struggle to connect with others unless it benefits you? Are you feeling detached? Creating conflicts where there are none? A bit psychopathic?”

A chill ran down my arms. I swallowed. “Why are you asking?”

Eve twirled a strand of hair around her finger. “Oh, just curious.” Her head tilted, slow and deliberate. “Take a person. Rip out their memories. But leave behind what they knew.” Her unseen eyes bore into me. “What does that even do to a person?” She murmured. “Knowledge without experience. Instinct without context. Must be…confusing.”

Of course it has. I thought. “I’m fine,” I said out loud.

“Being an archdevil won’t help the matter,” muttered Eve, examining me. “The horns are coming in, huh? You can hide them for a few more years, but you will have to cut them if you want to stay hidden. It’ll hurt more than cutting off an arm, so be wary of that.” She waved her hand before her like that didn’t matter. “But I’ll make it so you don’t have to worry here in a few seconds.”

“How will you—” She cut me off before I could ask the dozens of questions that popped into my head.

“It has been fascinating watching you so far. It wasn’t that much different from a baby growing up naturally, but there was a little more nuance to it. A little more fun.” Eve puffed out her dark, metallic, shapely, doll-like chest. “This must be how a proud mother feels. Oh, but I’m sorry for everything you’ve gone through. It must have felt disorienting and terrifying.”

My brow twitched. “You’ve been watching me?” My own voice sounded distant.

Even’s blank face tilted. “Oh, all the time. Do you know how bored I’ve been?” she whined, voice light and dreamy. “You’re literally my only source of entertainment. And boy, has time flown by! One minute, you’re a baby, the next, you’re learning how to hunt and shoot. All of a sudden, you’re ten. I mean, slow down a little! Let me enjoy your life, yeah? Hell, enjoy it yourself! Why are you moving through shit so fast?”

“I don’t have a lot of autonomy, I can’t use mana, and I’m too weak to fight even if I can remember how. I live in a small, out-of-the-way village, and I’m a devil. Nothing’s going to change for me until I grow up and get stronger. Being able to use mana is the first step. Everything else has been a waiting game.”

“True. And you’re right, I expect things will change for you very soon,” said Eve as if hinting at something.

“You know everything about me, don’t you?” My voice came out flat. Cold. Unimpressed. “You ripped apart my memories, you’ve been watching me for years, and now you’re dodging every real question I’ve asked. Or you’re telling me things without explaining or letting me speak. So cut the shit.” I met her blank, featureless face. “What do you want?”

“Oh, sorry.” Eve sheepishly twirled her fingers through her hair. “Being alone for so long made me rush things. We don’t have long, after all.”

I frowned.

Eve took a single step forward. Her finger tapped my nose—light, playful. A bell-like laugh followed, sweet as honey. Then her voice dropped into a whisper. “Oh Yen…”

The air compressed. Like something vast and unseen was pressing against me.

“I’m giving you back your memories.”

“No.” The word left my lips before I even thought about it.

Eve tilted her head. “Really?”

I hesitated. Just for a second. Then I nodded. “Really.”

“They might be helpful, you know.”

I shook my head. “I doubt that. Aside from my status as an archdevil, I’m set up for success without them if I’m careful, aren’t I? Why would I want to burden myself with memories of a life I haven’t experienced and potentially ruin everything I’ve worked for right now? Saying ‘yes’ is no different than killing my current self. I don’t want that.”

“If you saaaay soooo!” chimed Eve. She twirled around once like a ballet dancer. “I like you.”

“Even though my life is boring and goes by too quickly for your liking?”

“Oh, I have a feeling it’s going to slow down real soon,” predicted Eve. She wasn’t looking at me. I could tell by the direction of her head. Instead, her ‘gaze’ cast far out past the cage’s bars. “Purpose does that. But I could be totally wrong.”

Why does she talk like this?

“Like what?” asked Eve. “Sorry for having a unique personality.”

“Y-You can read my mind?” I stammered.

“That’s what’s surprising to you?” Eve gestured around and then pointed at herself. “Really?”

“R-Right.” I cleared my throat. “Then you’re like some kind of Goddess?”

“I won’t deny it.”

“Oh, good. You’re actually answering questions now,” I realized. “Then you could tell me anything I wanted to know if I asked?”

“Very likely. I know about most things and a lot about you in particular,” replied Eve. “But that’s not important. This is.” She placed a hand on my shoulder. “I need you to live your life without restraint, okay? Except for right now, never take advice from me or anyone like me ever again. Make your own decisions. Rely on people, but don’t trust them.” She held my gaze somehow. “Okay?”

“…okay.”

“You say that like you expected more. And you’re right to expect that. Because of who you are, your existence will achieve what I need even without my input or desires ever being expressed or forced upon you. Don’t overthink things. Live your life!”

“Is that why you brought me to this world when I died? To live my life? Who would believe that? And how does that benefit anyone?”

“Brought you? Oh no. You did that to yourself. You died,” said Eve. “I just grabbed your poor little soul and brought it to me.” She made a catching motion before my face like she was snatching a bug. “You’re lucky. I saved the important parts of who you are and separated the rest. You’re welcome!”

Her personality and the meaning of Eve’s words caused me to flinch. “And where are they? My memories. What did you do with them?”

“Oh, they’re around. I kept them. Trust me, you don’t want them. Or do you? Were you fibbing to me before? How rude!” She paused. “I sense conflict in your mind but can’t really make out the thoughts,” mused Eve.

“How different am I now from who I was before?” I asked.

“Very different.”

“Then I am satisfied with my decision.”

“But of course! All the skills of your former life when needed, and none of the downside.” Eve sighed. “Even so, I can return all your memories if you want.” She held out her hand. “Care for a sample?”

I took a fearful step back.

“Thought so.” It looked like Eve was smiling, but that was impossible without a mouth. “Good girl! That’s for the best. Trust me!”

“I don’t trust you at all,” I said.

“Good! Trusting the wrong person can change the trajectory of your entire life,” said Eve. Her voice was slightly sad. “Don’t worry. I wouldn’t let you regain your memories even if you begged.”

“Why?”

“Isn’t there something else you’d rather ask me?” said Eve instead. “We have time.”

That was an understatement. There was so much I wanted to know. The biggest involved why I was an archdevil. All my other questions were connected to that, actually. I wanted to know who my parents were, what kind of world I was living in, and what I should really be doing. Just “living my life” sounded like a bunch of cow shit.

“It was an accident,” said Eve.

“What?”

“That you’re an archdevil,” she answered. “I can read your mind, remember? It’s not like I could pick a body out for you. All I did was send your soul from here to the material plane. It took over the first newborn available, and here you are!”

I frowned. “Is that a lie?”

“I never lie! Anything I answer directly is the honest truth!” said Eve. She pouted. “You’re hurting my feelings.”

“What a baby…”

“You…you said that out loud...”

“If I thought it, you’d still hear it.”

Eve whimpered. “That’s not the point. You’re very rude.”

“Why were you so concerned about my emotions before?” I questioned. “Why could being an archdevil be good for me? All I’ve heard and experienced are downsides.”

Eve put her hands in front of her mouth like she was praying, but her expressionless, empty face looked right into me. “I will. But answer a question for me first. The first answer that comes to mind.”

I hesitated, but nodded. “Fine, sure.”

“There’s a busy town with a lot of families and kids. In this town, there’s a school. Every kid walks home from school by themselves, except for one. One child’s family walks him home every day, holding his hand. The other kids think this is weird and bully the child, causing him to cry to his parents every night.” Eve paused dramatically. “In response, the couple slowly begins killing individual kids from the school at random. Why are they doing this?”

I paused for just a moment before speaking. “A murderer on the loose would make other parents worry about their children's safety, leading them to walk home with their kids from school instead of letting them go alone. This would normalize the first family’s behavior and eliminate any reason for their kids to be bullied.” I clapped my hands together. “Problem solved.”

It was the first answer to come to mind, but even so, a part of me felt grossed out by it.

“How about another one?”

“Do I have—”

“Yes,” said Eve curtly. “A man went to a woman’s funeral as a guest. This woman’s father had died, leaving behind the woman and her sister. The man saw the woman for the very first time at the funeral and fell madly in love with her. They talked, but the man never learned how to contact the woman, where she lived, or how to meet her again.” She paused. “Later, the man killed the woman’s sister. Why?”

“To see the woman again,” I replied immediately. “Another funeral provides another chance to see the woman again. It was the only time he met her, so all he had to do was recreate the same situation to achieve the desired result.”

“Do those answers seem wrong to you?”

“A-A little,” I admitted.

“Do you love your parents? The ones raising you?”

“They provide me a house, clothing, food, and shelter.”

Eve shook her head. “That’s not what I asked.” Her voice was cold. “Do you love them?”

I hesitated. “Y-Yes?”

“If they tried to kill you, could you kill them?”

“Easily,” I said without hesitation, shocking me. “Why does that kind of seem wrong?”

“Your past, current experiences, and nature as an archdevil are altering how you view the world,” answered Eve. There was no hint of sarcasm, jokes, or fibs. “Archdevils are naturally utilitarian and selfish. It’s a combination that makes them seem psychopathic as a group. Mix that with your lack of experience and broad knowledge, and you probably have a very difficult time empathizing with others or seeing things as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ as long as it benefits you.”

The word “psychopathic” triggered something in my brain. Vague memories of the term, the concept of serial killers, and other related topics flowed into my mind. “But…I’m emotional and understand people.”

“To an extent,” agreed Eve. “But you’ve already proved parts of your thought processes are abnormal. Can you really trust your feelings? Are they real?”

I opened my mouth to speak but closed it. I thought for a while, examining all my actions in their context.

Every feeling I had was related to things I wanted or my own survival. I didn’t consider others. I used people when threatened. I didn’t even care when my biological mother died. Her head got squished in front of me, and the only thing I cared about was myself.

Would I even care if Quintin or Amalia died in front of me?

I wanted to think I would, but I knew in my heart—

“How can I—”

“Wait. Stop. No time. Your marks finally appeared,” Eve interrupted me.

“My what?” I looked down at my wrists. Two black tattoos wrapped around my left and right wrist. I didn’t even feel them form.

“Look up for me.” Eve gazed into my eyes. Suddenly, she was very close. Close enough to touch me and lift my chin. “Oh, violet! Congratulations. That’s excellent for an awakening. Already a little prodigy! Fantastic.” She frowned. Or, at least, it seemed like she did since she didn’t have lips. “We can do better, though. Clench your teeth. I only get one shot at this.”

Eve grabbed my wrists. Instantly, my vision darkened. The world stretched—warped—as if something was pulling at me from every direction. My ears rang, my stomach twisted, and then—

White-hot pain tore through my arms, through my core, through every inch of me. I tried to scream, but my lungs refused to work.

Immediately, I collapsed to my knees and leaned against Eve. I could feel myself convulsing as power surged through me. My eyes felt like blood was pouring out of them.

Then, the pain stopped as soon as it started.

“There you go!” cooed Eve. She brought me to my feet and patted me on the head. “You’re gonna wanna wash your face when you wake up,” she teased.

“What…did you…do…to me?” I groaned, pain still shivering its way through my skin.

“I made you better,” said Eve. She dabbed the blood around my eyes with her fingers. “Let’s see…some final advice before I go. Puberty’s going to suck, but I’m sure I’ll get a few laughs out of it. When you wake up, go right to a mirror. That’ll be fun. Just remember this advice about mana: just because you have a big boat doesn’t mean it can cross a tiny stream. You’ll have to widen it first. That seems like a good analogy,” rambled Eve. She stopped touching me and stepped back.

I suddenly felt cold.

“You have one thing you need to aim for if you want to make it through this life. And this is advice, not an order,” said Eve. “You need to focus on people. Find someone you’d be willing to die for. That’s your goal. Find many people like that. If you can do that, all your other problems will go away. I know it’s a hard concept for you right now, but you have to find it.” She poked my forehead. “Love. Got it?”

The world around me darkened. A large shadow loomed over the cage, and pressure, unlike anything I’d ever felt before, nearly caused me to pass out.

“Time for you to go.” Eve placed a hand on my chest and pushed. I smashed through the cage’s bars and hurdled into the endless sky. “Remember what I said! And you’re welcome! See you again soon! Hopefully!”

The sky cracked open. The hand from before emerged from a split in the vast expanse.

It reached for me. Slowly. Deliberately. Like it had been waiting for me. Like it was ready to finish the job it failed before.

My body locked up. My mind screamed at me to run, but there was nowhere to go.

The hand filled my vision. A shadow of fingers, curling toward me—

I closed my eyes.

The next second, they shot open. My body thrashed—gasping, hands clawing at empty airs.  My heart slammed against my ribs. I expected the sky, the cage, the hand—

A ceiling. Wooden and familiar. I’d seen it thousands of times before.

My room.

I was back in my room.

My head pulsed with pain, causing me to groan. I immediately sat up and started rubbing my temples, hoping it would make the agony and sudden onset of nausea fade faster.

“What a dream,” I groaned. Even closing my eyes didn’t stop the room from spinning. I wanted to bash my head against a sharp corner or at least grind my temples against one.

I tried to open my eyes again. The pain was starting to dull, but I still felt terrible. My entire body was tingling. It felt like I’d jumped off a tall building, survived, tried a second time, survived again, then was hit by a carriage.

All my memories from my time with Eve stayed upon waking up. A part of me still thought I was in a dream, but that part was the minority.

I glanced at my wrists. That single sight silenced the unease inside.

Thick black bands wrapped around them both. I had the mark. I could use mana. I had awakened.

“None on my fingers yet,” I muttered, glancing at my digit. “Need to learn the elements somehow.” I rubbed my eyes with my palms. “Better ask Quintin in the morning.”

At once, I noticed something thick and wet adhering to my fingers and palms.

I pulled my hands away slowly, blinking through the haze. Dark stains smeared my hands, glistening under the dim moonlight. For a second, my mind clung to the wrong answer. Tears. Then I touched my tongue to my skin. The taste was metallic.

Blood.

I didn’t remember anyone saying or telling me I’d bleed out my eyes when I awakened. Quintin or Amalia definitely would have mentioned that. Then again, they were the type of people to hide information, thinking it’d make me worry more if I knew something before it happened. It was honestly their worst qualities.

Eve mentioned I’d need to wash my face when I woke up. I remembered. It must have been something she did.

I swung my legs off the bed…and nearly collapsed.

The second my feet touched the floor, pain tore through me. My muscles ached, my skin burned, and my bones felt splintered from the inside out.

My knees buckled. I willed myself forward until I was by my dresser. I used it to support myself, gripping the wood with shaking fingers. I wanted to scream. I wanted to curse Eve’s name. Instead, I gritted my teeth and lifted myself until I fully faced my mirror.

“Water, water, water,” I uttered, glancing at a pitcher on the dresser. There were cups and a bowl nearby. I took the bowl, placed it before me, poured in the water, and splashed it against my face.

Instantly, I felt a chill around my eyes. My skin relaxed as I massaged my cheeks with my fingers.

“I need a light,” I grumbled. My eyes lingered on the candlestick by my nightstand. “Need you.”

My body screamed at me as I crossed the room again and returned with the lamp. Once the wick was lit, the small flame illuminated the room. Shadows that he had been hiding in furniture—dormant and leery—danced against my walls as if they were music playing.

I stared at my mirror.

My breath caught in my throat, and my heart started thumping louder than before. Did she do this to me?

Blood stained my face. It cakes around my eyes and smeared into my eyebrows. It dripped in a long line down my face, cheeks, then chin. Lines and droplets of it escaped to my neck, shoulders, and chest. They stained my clothing and skin.

But that wasn’t what caused me to panic.

It was my eyes.

They were white.

Brown, green, violet, orange, grey, then white. From lowest to highest, they represented how much mana one could tap into and leech from the world.

I remembered Eve saying I had violet eyes before touching my hands. That was already astonishing. That probably happened to a handful of children worldwide every few decades.

She changed them, didn’t she? I realized as I touched the skin by my eyes. If there weren’t a black dot in the middle of the eyes and an outline around it, it would look like my eyes were permanently rolled into the back of my head. Creepy.

Most people would celebrate the change. A white-eyed child was a miracle, destined for greatness. The kind of power that made kings take notice. The kind that made priests whisper of divine favor. The kind that made people afraid.

If I were human, I might have even felt blessed.

But I wasn’t human. I was an archdevil.

A human with white eyes would be seen as a hero for humanity. So what would an archdevil with those same eyes be called? A villain. Evil incarnate. A sign of the end times.

I didn’t want anyone paying attention to me at all. Now, everyone will. It’s the last thing I could have possibly wanted. It was going to be hard enough hiding the horns when I got older.

“I’m screwed.” The words felt weightless and ridiculous. Laughter bubbled up, thin and hollow, to the point where I couldn’t stop it. “Absolutely screwed!”