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Sourcebook Page 2 (Patreon)

Published:
2020-03-10 19:35:10
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

Typing for page 2 done. Give it a look. 

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Comments

MountainGoat

Martial Status: Extremely popular with fans Kidding! "Artica was the only offspring" ... you probably want "Artica is the only offspring" so it's not an obituary.

MountainGoat

"This illness was due to the first .... and forever cost her her chance"... I would write this as "... and forever cost her that chance with Red" just to avoid the double-her there.

MountainGoat

You could even do "cost her that one chance with Red" to really hit the point home.

MountainGoat

"Artica is armed with two wristbands that can convert ... which can act as aids". I would drop the second "can" there as to me it reads repetative. This is more of a nitpick than a grammar problem, I just think it reads nicer as "which act as aids".

MountainGoat

"And her custom was fashioned by" ... you're missing a word there. I think you want 'custom uniform'.

MountainGoat

And that's it for me :) Looking good!

extinctioners
>>33503750

Well you guys now now one of her parents is alive, but oyhers who read this might not know. Give it a new read.

MountainGoat
>>33503750

"Artica was the only offspring" ... to me reads like *Artica* is dead, because she *was*. If "Artica is the only offspring" then she currently the only offspring. That's my reasoning.

Karl Maurer

"This lead to her developing..." should likely be "This led to her developing..." as it should be a past tense use of the word. Otherwise it would have been "This leads to..." or "This will lead to.."