My Life is Horrific Chapter 5 — Lakehouse Cabins are the safest place in the World (Patreon)

The rest of the drive stretched out easy after our little Costco trip, the Mustang eating up mile after mile of winding blacktop while Claire and I just talked. She asked about football, about how it felt to be a star player and if I was going to consider college football or even pro. 

She laughed at my dumb jokes, then opened up about cheer practice and how Regina's crew could be a lot but she mostly tuned it out because life was too short to waste on mean-girl drama, and fuck me if she wasn't cool as hell for someone who rolled with the queen bee. 

No backstabbing, no trash talk about other girls, just genuine nice with this easy smile that lit up the whole car every time she cracked a grin, cracking me up with stories about her little brother's failed attempts at chatting up Regina and how she secretly loved old horror flicks even if her dad thought they'd rot her brain. By the time we hit the deeper back roads the conversation felt natural, like we'd been doing this for years instead of hours, and I caught myself glancing over at her way too often, thinking damn, if the rest of the weekend went half this smooth I might actually get some rest.

For the last hour though the trees had closed in on both sides, nothing but endless pine swallowing the road until it felt like we'd driven straight off the map into some avatar planet. I had to pull over twice to squint at the wrinkled paper map I'd grabbed from the glovebox even though I swore I remembered the way from last year. "These back roads are a bitch," I muttered, tracing the faded lines with my finger while Claire leaned over to look, her hair brushing my shoulder and smelling like vanilla and lake air. "I swear the signs change every time I come up here."

Claire stared out at the wall of green pressing against the windows. "The forest out here can be scary as hell, you know? Like, you hear stories about people who pull over to take a leak and just... vanish. Or worse."

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to keep it light even as my grip tightened on the wheel because yeah, I knew exactly what kind of shit lurked in woods like these; Pennywise probably had cousins out here waiting to drag people into the underbrush.

She shrugged like it was no big deal. "You know, the usual middle-of-nowhere crap. Hikers finding weird symbols carved into trees, cars abandoned with the doors still open and blood on the seats, or that one legend about the guy who lives in a shack and eats human meat. Or bears. Or worse than bears. Bears on cocaine."

I forced a nervous laugh that came out way too high. "Maybe we should turn around, find a motel or something, call the whole thing off before we end up in a. Newspaper

Claire giggled, swatting my arm again with that bright laugh of hers. "Those are just stories and movies anyway. They definitely weren't realistic. Nobody actually gets eaten by the woods in real life."

Yeah, definitely were, I thought, but I wasn't about to curse this trip out loud and jinx the one weekend I had away from my family. Nothing bad ever happened at lake houses anyway; that's where rich people went to drink and fuck, and when did rich people ever die in movies? Hopefully I wasn't jinxing myself into some fresh hell, but I just grinned and cranked the music back up instead, letting the bass drown out the what-ifs.

We finally spotted the overgrown turnoff after another twenty minutes of second-guessing every fork in the road, the narrow dirt path snaking through the trees until the cabin came into view and Claire's jaw actually dropped, her eyes going wide as the massive place loomed up against the lake. "Holy shit, James, this is huge," she breathed, leaning forward in her seat like she couldn't believe it.

I killed the engine and leaned back with a proud smirk, gesturing at the beast like I owned it. "Tyler's dad doesn't fuck around, it has eight bedrooms, all with their own bathrooms, wraparound deck that hangs right over the water, private dock with a speedboat tied up, hot tub that seats ten, full kitchen stocked year-round, game room downstairs with a pool table and arcade machines, and the master suite has a king bed bigger than my whole room back home. Place probably cost more than most houses in Derry combined, and that's before you count the wine cellar and the fire pit big enough to roast a whole pig."

She whistled loudly, still staring as I pulled up next to Tyler's van, and one beat-up pickup truck I didn't recognize parked outside. Behind my boys outside I spotted Casey, Maxine, Georgina, Melody, and Juliana all clustered together looking fine as hell in cutoff shorts and tank tops that hugged every curve. 

"What's going on?" Claire asked, her voice tightening as she nodded toward the group.

"I don't know," I said, concern spiking hard because Tyler's face was red and the three hillbilly-looking dudes facing him off. This was Maine, right? Not fucking Alabama. 

"Stay behind me," I told her as I killed the engine and popped the door.

I walked up slowly, catching Tyler mid-shout. "This is my father's land asshole, the deed's in his name, taxes paid every year, so you and your inbred cousins can fuck right off back to whatever swamp you crawled out of!"

The tallest hillbilly, a wiry guy with a trucker hat and missing teeth, spat on the ground and jabbed a finger at Tyler's chest. "Y'all need to leave right now, boy. This here property ain't yours. Grandmama owned it free and clear before your daddy ever set foot in the county, and we're here to see her dyin' wish carried out proper."

Max jumped in. "Bullshit, we've been coming here every summer since we were kids, your grandma's probably been dead twenty years if she ever existed!"

The shortest one, built like a barrel with a beard down to his gut, growled, "You callin' us liars? We got papers. Now pack your shit and git before we make you."

Fred tried to play peacemaker but his voice cracked. "Come on, guys, let's just call the sheriff—"

The lead hillbilly shoved Tyler hard enough to make him stumble back a step, and that's when shit went from words to hands. I pushed through the group fast, raising my palms. "Whoa, whoa, what's the problem here exactly? We're just trying to have a nice weekend, no need for this."

Tyler pointed at the trio, his face still flushed. "These assholes are trying to tell me I can't stay at my own lake house, James!"

The lead hillbilly cut in. "Our grandmama owned this land, boy, and we're finally comin' down here to take care of her dyin' wish. She wanted it kept in the family, not some city slicker's playground."

I stepped between them. "Listen, Tyler's father has owned this land longer than I can remember. This is obviously some kind of mistake, we can sort it out tomorrow with a phone call, no reason to ruin anybody's weekend."

The lead hillbilly's face twisted mean and he lunged forward like he was gonna shove me too, but before his hands could connect something instinctual kicked in and my arms shot out on pure instinct, grabbing both his wrists and twisting them into this perfect thumb lock that bent his joints at a nasty angle. He yelled out sharp and loud, "Ow, fuck, leggo you sonofabitch!"

I let go pretty fast as I was surprised as hell at how smooth it felt, like my body just knew the move and then it clicked; the reward from last night, intermediate CQC. I assume that has to mean close-quarters combat now. I only just realised how wired that shit was into me. 

The other two hillbillies started shooting their mouths off, cursing up a storm—"You little prick, think you're tough?"—and the lead one reached behind his back, yanking out a hunting knife.

The girls behind us screamed, Casey clutching her chest and Juliana yelling "Oh my God!", while Max and Fred went tense, circling careful like they were ready to jump in but not stupid enough to rush a blade. The lead hillbilly spat again and lunged straight at me. "I'll carve your fuckin' face, pretty boy!"

But the CQC took over again and my hand snapped out, caught his wrist mid-swing, twisted until the knife clattered to the dirt, then I stepped in close, hooked his arm, and flipped his ass over my hip like it was nothing. He flew straight into his barrel-shaped buddy, both of them crashing down in a heap.

Tyler snatched the knife off the ground quickly, holding it like he'd seen it in movies, while Max and Fred started hyping him up. 

"Yeah, fuck 'em up, Ty!"

 "Show these rednecks whose lake it is!"

Claire surprised me by stepping right in front of Tyler, hands up. "Tyler, stop, this isn't worth it they'll leave now!"

I moved up beside her as I stared the hillbillies down. "You heard the lady. Leave. Now. Take your truck and your bullshit claims and get the fuck off this property before someone actually gets hurt."

They hesitated for a long second, the lead one rubbing his wrist and glaring daggers while his buddies helped him up, muttering more curses under their breath. Then the barrel guy muttered, "C'mon, Earl, let's get outta here these rich kids ain't worth the trouble."

They backed off slowly, still shooting dirty looks, climbed into their beat-up pickup, and peeled out down the dirt road. I watched them disappear around the bend, my heart still pounding but the immediate threat gone and let out a long breath I didn't know I was holding.

Tyler slapped my shoulder hard, grinning like an idiot. "Holy shit, Mitchell, where'd you learn that ninja crap?!"

Juliana turned to me, her eyes wide but smiling. "Yeah... that was kinda hot, actually."

I just laughed, rubbing the back of my neck and trying not to think about how close I'd come to getting stabbed on day one of freedom. "Let's just get the booze inside before more hillbillies show up. Party's still on, right?"

I just laughed, rubbing the back of my neck and trying not to think about how close I had come to getting stabbed on day one of freedom. "Lets just get the booze inside before more hillbillies show up. Partys still on right?"

Tyler spun around from where he had been glaring down the dirt road after the pickup and his eyes went wide as dinner plates when they landed on the Mustang. "Holy shit Mitchell what the fuck did you do rob a liquor store on the way up?" He practically sprinted over to the trunk with Fred right behind him and they both just stood their mouths hanging open like they had never seen alcohol before. 

Tyler started digging through the cases popping lids and pulling out bottles left and right. "Beer vodka tequila rum whiskey and is that the good tequila Lauren always bitches about not being able to find? Man you even got the fancy mixers and those little lime wedges in the bag? This is enough to drown the entire senior class twice over."

Fred whistled and hauled out a case of the craft beer I knew he liked. "Dude you remembered the IPA I was talking about last week? You are a god among men right now."

I slapped Tyler hard on the back and grinned wide enough to crack my face. "This is gonna be a legendary weekend remember? I told you I was handling supplies and I dont half ass anything."

The girls came wandering over then. Casey hung back a little shy as always but the rest dove right in. Maxine the petite Asian American with sleek straight black hair down to her waist and a tight athletic body that screamed dancer leaned in and squealed when she spotted the bottle of soju I had grabbed for her. "James you absolute legend I was just complaining yesterday that nobody ever brings the good stuff I love you right now." 

Georgina the tall Black girl with killer curves long box braids and legs that went on forever grabbed the rum she favored and held it up like a trophy. "You even got the coconut one I always mix with coke? Boy you pay attention more than my own boyfriend ever did." 

Melody the fiery redhead with pale freckled skin and an athletic build that filled out her shorts perfectly snatched the whiskey sour mixers and laughed. "Okay Mitchell you are officially my favorite person on this planet right now." 

Juliana the curvy Hispanic stunner with dark wavy hair olive skin and an ass that could stop traffic stepped right up close to me her body heat hitting me like a wave and grabbed the bottle of reposado tequila I had picked. "Gracias guapo this is exactly what I needed after that drive thank you." She cracked the seal right there busted it open and took a long pull straight from the bottle her throat working as she swallowed and she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand giving me a wink.

Tyler laughed so hard he almost dropped the case he was holding. "Alright alright lets get all this shit inside before they start partying right here in the driveway and we never make it to the hot tub. Come on ladies and gentlemen move your asses."

I chuckled and nodded grabbing two heavy cases myself. "Yeah yeah before someone decides to shotgun a beer on the hood of my car." We all started hauling everything in Tyler leading the way and kicking the big front door open wide.

"Welcome to the palace bitches make yourselves at home bedrooms are first come first serve but the master is mine and dont touch my dads liquor cabinet or he will actually kill me."

I set my load down in the massive kitchen and caught Casey hanging back by the door looking cute as ever with that short blonde hair falling over one eye and her shy bookish vibe. "Hey Casey glad to see you made it in one piece."

She flushed pink right up to her ears and gave me this nervous little smile while she grabbed a couple lighter bags to help. "Yeah me too James I was worried about you driving up here with that bump on your head, I'm glad you're okay though." She kept glancing at me while we carried stuff in together.

Claire and Casey stuck around to help me and the guys finish unloading even though the other girls had already disappeared upstairs to change into bikinis judging by the giggles floating down the stairs and the occasional whoop. "You two didnt have to wait to change you know" I said as I shoved the last bag of chips into a cabinet.

Claire shrugged with a grin. "Nah its fine we can throw suits on after we help you finish. Besides I wanted to make sure all the good stuff made it inside before it all disappears."

Casey nodded still a little flushed. "Yeah exactly and I figured you could use an extra pair of hands after driving all day."

When the trunk was finally empty and everything stashed I stepped outside to lock the Mustang and just stood there for a minute staring down the empty dirt road where the hillbillies had vanished. Part of me wondered if that whole knife fight was some kind of death flag like the universe was waving a big red sign saying surprise bitch more horror coming but honestly after dropping those assholes, I could not bring myself to care that much. If they came back fine Tyler kept a hunting rifle in the closet upstairs and the rest of my buddies were not exactly helpless. 

Steroids were definitely effective, we'd all watched pumping iron. 

"You okay?" Caseys voice came from behind me and I turned to see her standing there still in her regular clothes. I smiled big and real for once. "Yeah I am great actually. Just making sure everything is locked up tight. Come on lets get inside before they drink all the good stuff without us." I clicked the lock and we walked back in together her shoulder brushing mine. 

The second we stepped through the door everyone was already changed into their swimsuits. Tyler was shirtless in board shorts chugging a beer by the sliding doors. Fred had on those stupid neon trunks that made him look like a traffic cone. Max was flexing in his usual black ones. 

The girls though holy shit. 

Maxine had on this tiny red bikini that barely covered her petite athletic frame her sleek black hair tied back and her dancer legs looking endless. 

Georgina rocked a gold one piece that hugged every curve of her tall Black body the fabric stretching over her chest and ass like it was painted on. 

Melody the redhead had gone full fire with a green string bikini that showed off her pale freckled skin and toned stomach her athletic build.  

Juliana was pure sin in a black thong bikini her olive curves and that ass swaying as she bent to grab another drink from the cooler her dark wavy hair cascading down her back.

Claire had slipped into a simple blue two piece that made her slightly tanned skin glow and her wavy blonde hair fall just right over her shoulders.

"Let's get this weekend started" I called out loud enough to carry over the music already blasting from the speakers.

The whole group erupted in cheers and whoops and bottles clinking. Tyler raised his beer high. "Fuck yeah Mitchell thats what I'm talking about."

We all spilled out onto the back deck and down to the water. I fired up the massive grill on the deck, before cracking open a cold beer and started flipping burgers and hot dogs. The sun beat down warm on my back and I took long pulls from the bottle feeling the buzz settle in nice and easy. Some of the girls had claimed lounge chairs along the dock sunbathing. 

Juliana stretched out on her back her thong bikini riding up as she oiled her legs and shot me a lazy wink over her shoulder. Maxine and Georgina were in the water splashing around with Fred and Max playing some game where the girls rode on the guys shoulders and tried to knock each other off screaming and laughing every time someone went under. 

Casey stayed near me at the grill helping arrange buns and condiments on the big table while she kept glancing up at me with that shy flush still on her cheeks. Tyler planted himself on my other side nursing his beer and grinning like an idiot. "Man this is already better than last year" he said bumping my shoulder. "You see how much ass we got here? And the booze you brought? Legendary status already locked in."

The music pumped loud from the outdoor speakers some rock mixed with whatever new shit was hot that summer. It felt good to just stand there cooking and drinking. Tyler set his beer down and pointed out at the lake where the speedboat bobbed at the dock. "We should take the boat out later do some water skiing. I bet I can get Maxine to do it topless."

"Hell yeah I'm in" I said flipping a burger and taking another swig. "Long as you dont drive the boat like last time."

Claire wandered over then still in her bikini and she leaned against the railing next to Melody who had come up dripping wet. They were deep in conversation already and I caught the tail end. "...and Regina is absolutely livid she couldnt come this weekend" Claire was saying with a little laugh. "She kept calling me all morning about how unfair it is and how shes going to make everyone pay when we get back."

Melody rolled her eyes and took a long drink. "God shes such a drama queen sometimes. Bet shes already planning her revenge party or whatever. You think shes mad at you for coming anyway Claire?"

I kept my eyes on the grill but my mind raced. I was more than happy Regina could not make it. She would have definitely given me shit for ghosting her after that drunk hookup in her car and then she would get wasted and try to bang me again in one of the bedrooms and I would likely give in... that girl knew exactly how to push every button I had.

Melody turned to me with a smirk on her face. "Hey James what actually happened between you and Regina anyway? She has been dropping hints like crazy but nobody knows the real story."

Tyler perked up immediately leaning in with a grin. "Yeah spill it dude we all saw you two at that party last month, you were practically all over each other."

Claire nodded along her eyes sparkling with interest while Casey looked up from the condiments table clearly listening hard even if she tried to play it cool.

I just shrugged and focused on flipping the steaks like my life depended on it. "I dont kiss and tell. Sorry ladies a mans gotta have some secrets."

They all groaned and booed but it was good natured and the conversation moved on quick enough. Tyler took another pull from his beer and changed the subject like only he could. "Speaking of my dad said we could take the hunting rifles this weekend and go get some game if we wanted. Said it's my eighteenth birthday present basically do it with you since you know how."

My eyebrows shot up and I looked at him surprised as hell the spatula paused mid air. "Really? I never thought hed let us loose with the rifles on our own."

"Yeah" Tyler said with a proud smirk. "He trusts us. You up for it?"

"Hell yeah dude" I replied instantly.

"Leave poor Bambi alone," Melody said with a mock pout as she came over to the grill. 

Tyler waved them off. "Your loss. You havent lived until you've eaten a thick cut venison steak cooked fresh over the fire."

"Speaking of steak" I cut in plating the last of the burgers and hot dogs and steaks onto the big table. "Foods ready come and get it before it gets cold."

Everyone swarmed the table loading plates high and moaning around bites of juicy meat and grilled corn and chips. "Fuck this is good Mitchell" Max called out through a mouthful. 

Juliana licked sauce off her fingers and gave me a thumbs up. "Best BBQ ever guapo." 

We all ate like we had not seen food in days laughing and joking and passing beers around until the sun started dipping lower and the whole day blurred into more of the same pure golden fun.

...

The afternoon melted into evening with us taking turns on the jet skis screaming across the lake and splashing each other until we were all soaked and laughing. We played volleyball in the water, Georgina spiking the ball so hard it nearly took Freds head off. 

Maxine and Melody sunbathed more while the rest of us floated on rafts passing a joint Tyler had brought and telling stupid stories from school. Tyler tried to teach Casey how to water ski and she wiped out spectacularly every time but came up giggling and asking to try again. He even let Claire drive the boat once and she went way too fast making us all yell and hold on for dear life. By the time the sun dropped behind the trees we were all pretty drunk. 

Bottles littered the deck while we sprawled on couches and chairs trading more stories. Tyler stood up then swaying a little with that big dumb grin on his face. "Alright alright listen up. We should play seven minutes in heaven."

Everyone cheered and whooped again the alcohol making us all bold and stupid. "I'm in" Max called.

Tyler grabbed an empty bottle and spun it first. It landed on Maxine and she laughed, pulling him upstairs while we all whooped and catcalled after them. When they came back out ten minutes later both flushed and grinning, and Tyler high fived the boys. 

Next Fred spun the bottle and it pointed straight at Georgina. They disappeared and when the timer went off they did not come out right away. Me and a laughing drunk Tyler went up to check and found them already halfway into fucking on the bed Georgina on top with her bikini top off and Freds shorts around his ankles.

"Couldn't help yourself could you," I said laughing my ass off.

Tyler doubled over. "We have other rooms dumbass!"

Fred pulled his shorts up red faced but grinning. "Yeah yeah, hey man can I have the key for the guest house, I wanna make use of the hot tub there in private if you know what I mean...."

"Sure dude," Tyler said before be tossed him the spare key and they said quick goodbyes,  Georgina waving over her shoulder as they headed out the back door still half dressed and giggling.

Max spun next and it landed on Melody. He scooped her up over his shoulder like a caveman while she laughed and kicked her legs. "Don't wait up" he called as he carried her upstairs.

The bottle kept going around until it was Casey's turn. She spun it slowly the glass clinking on the table and when it stopped it pointed right at me. She looked up at me with this tipsy smile her cheeks pink. "Looks like it's us."

I stood up feeling the room spin just a little from all the beer and met her eyes trying to play it cool. "Lead the way."

(AN: So the weekend at the lakehouse cabin has begun. Has James seen the last of the hillbillies or will they come back like every horror movie cliche. Anyway hope you enjoyed.)