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Patreon member power rankings (Patreon)

Published:
2019-08-28 20:11:29
Imported:
2026-06

Content

We are going to start ranking you guys like we said on the cast. First task: you have to convince Chrissie to fall in love with you but move away to someplace that isn’t 2 feet within walls of this great country moreover not in NYC. For straight guys, you got to convince Chrissie to join your business as a partner and relocate to Middle East for it. Comment below. Power ranking games have begun!!!

Comments

Sue Douxpenus

I am literally the only pseudo penis you’ll ever need in your life Chrissy. Papapaplease crack me open and clean me ouuut!

Cee_anci

Crack me open and clean me out like the tute i am !!!

Pmoney

Chris, little known fact, camels backs like my lap evolved to carry size 38 mom asses

Aileen Neutrals and Newports Hogan

We’d definitely move to the US Embassy in Germany, that way Chrissie would feel at home within his home (a great simile would be inside the LoveSac within his apartment). He’d get unlimited Linzer Cookies and could wear the uni with pride. He’d be surrounded by his ancestors, his light reading of Human Genetics and Politics in the Third Reich would be acceptable, and could tell ze Germans he plays for the Yanks! ** Please do not take legal action on Aunt Aileen. This is a charactah pieeeeece. Peace, love, and the neutrals.

Bryan Cornbread and Tamale Fed Booty

Alright cuz I got a brilliant business opportunity for you. It’s called Muzzie Wuzzie’s Bears, giant stuffed bears that we’ll use to run guns, explosives, drugs for the boys in the sandbox. Why you may ask? Because make no mistake when we die, and we will die, we’ll be showered in virgins with no fumes and you can crack em open and then come back and sleep with me in my casket because I know you don’t sleep alooooooneee

John from Conn Mom

I’m 50, cute with BIG boobs! Very maternal yet independent. I can keep Chrissie calm so he won’t bite his nail and get infections when he leaves the country! He can can crack me open and clean me out and I’ll never get knocked up! 😛

Pericles The Godfather but also the Godmother

All you have to do to convince Chris DiCobrahead to join as a partner is tell him that contractually he gets to slurp fettuccine out of the assholes of tutes, and that Hugo Boss is designing the company uniforms and he’s in. Don’t tell him you’re relocating; tell him you’re taking a trip to Medieval Times in Lyndhurst NJ, walk his giant dome onto the plane, and before you know it he’s in the sandbox.

Bridgette G

Picture this... wake up! Throw hands with Serge to get the day started YEEOOOOO! Coff up and pick up the baby. Get on the Ferry, take a historical walk through the Financial District to learn about how screwed in our Forefathers were. Grab some pizz followed by some sweets. Hit up Eastern Hemi territory to do some Whitney Yousten Karaoke. Head back to Brooklyn, Put the baby to her Motha’s house. Head back to the love sack. I sit quietly while you finish 1776 then we bang out but first I suck your dick babe cause you can’t get hard unless i suck you dick babe! We close the night out with left over ravioli pizz. You text me the next morning to ask if I’m ok but I know and understand that you don’t really care CAUSE IT IS WHAT IT IS! And if any of my family or managers see this it’s just a joke I’m doing a character piece!

Ryan Oversized Pierogi Head

If chrissy eugenics moves to the sandbox and every piece tute and ladyboy is wearing a hajibi it’s like a never ending game of spin the wheel. What more could he possibly need?

Olivia the wader drinking sauce monkey

I’ll let Chrissie run the faucet in the bathroom if he’s alone on anxiety Tuesday’s and then come home to make chicken cuzlets, watch the Knicks lose, and get cracked open and cleaned out after he pops some blue chews and stays hard for the fallllll Shoutout pumpkin spice flavored smithtown watah!!!!

Mark Gessner

We go into business writing failed pilots and making T-shirts with Jesus in a tracksuit saying Gahbless. We talk to Netflix about a spin-off with Dickie and Anthony. We do it in Israel because it’s WILD there and the weather is nice and we’ll get tan BAD. We’ll win Emmy Awards for one of the failed pilots that’s called ‘It’s What It Is’ and we’ll do a podcast called “New and Better Opinions”

Mamacorks

Dear Mr. DiStefano, I am writing to you to express my interest in the Wiiiiiife position that has recently become available. I feel that my past experience as a Wiiiiifffee, as well as my enthusiasm for taking care of grown men makes me the ideal candidate for this job. I understand that I live abroad, all the way across the Verrazano bridge, but I do believe that my excellence in the field of Wiiiifery makes it well worth the $12 toll (I have an EZ Pass). Other related qualifications include ordering Pizz, baking sweets, and caring for children of varying ethnicities. I am an avid thrower of hands, my mama is not getting engaged anytime soon, and ghosts fear me. I have extreme anxiety, I work in health care, and hypochondria is my favorite. Additionally, I am also already married so you would be encouraged to pursue sexual relations outside of our marriage, as my husband is large and doesn’t like to share. In conclusion, it is my hope to discuss this exciting opportunity with you further. Please feel free to contact me at your earliest convenience. Sincerely, Mamacorks

Christian Dub

To make him love me I’d probably just stroke his hair with a brush 100 times forward, then 100 times backward. THEN I’ll throw my dick in his hair (assuming it’s gelled up) I’m mad gay for hair. We could also just sell bootlegged dvds of “home improvement” OR I’m thinking franchise a “Bath and Body Works”. I’ve never been there but based off wild assumptions and dusty photos, it looks like the fumes there are really what’s changing the climate but no one wants to address it. P.S. it smells like someone microwaved a cat shitting in a litter box.

Pericles The Godfather but also the Godmother

These comments are hysterical, but if you women want Chrissy Thumbsucks to fall in love with you and move, you’re going to have to grow a penis because make no mistake THE KID FALLS IN LOVE WITH MEN

ChrisHungLikeA Gerbil,ImAGrowerNotAShowerEsLoQueEs

Christopha I have this idea that can make us rich quick. It involves your big head and my big head and moving some vegetables. I dont wanna bore you with the details. Long story short this uh “business” cannot be done on Us soil. I have a friend “Larry” (real name is like Abu Baker) in Dubai that is willing to help. You can trust me because my last name ends in a vowel and I may or may not eat dinner at 2PM on Sundays. So yeahhhh

Ken Burch

I'm a 54 dude that Chrissy Green Light called "babe" on twitter after misunderstanding my twitter handle. (that's all I got) Do a Whiskey Rebellion episode you trash monkey hyenas!

Dave “ I swear it’s bad dick lighting”O’Connell

Italian Sausages In Sauce. Chris I have a great job opportunity for you. I’m thinking of starting a Italian Sausages in Sauce stand in the Middle East. From you I would only need $21,000 to help start us to success. We can fly out at your earliest convenience. I’m sure you’re wondering what I will be bringing to the table. Good Question so here you go. 1- 4 person tent ( only 2 of us, plenty of room) 2- full size air mattress 3- Home Depot gift card ( $32.40) in value 4- Blindfold I’m sure you are curious about the blindfold. I’m thinking on those lonely nights in the tent we could give each other blindfolded handles so it’s not gay. I look forward to hearing back from you on this exciting path. Thanks Dave. P.S. would you happen to know how to cook sausage or know how to make sauce?

Lisa Johnson

I know my post doesn’t count, but I just want to say three things that will make Chris run away with me: peetz, boxing, and lady boys. Cuz, we’ll hop on emoji face’s back and ride him all the way to Thailand. Just say the magic words: MUSHY MUSHY! And Mike, the Mexican dough boy, will convert into a plane, boat, or car - whatever you neeeeeeed. I’m here for a good time AND the content. Yeah!

Clay Anthony’s Back, My Wife Hates Your Bits But When She Sleeps I Jerkoff to AOC Tits

Cuz i got two tickets to paradise and it’s your tongue in my ass! we can chop Mush’s tits off and use them as love sacs to snuggle into! I’ll tuck it back for you cuz and can be the bottom or you can go full Nero, chop it off, and become my bride..it’s what it is! don’t worry about that FF Yannis, his early onset is getting worse over time so you can leave the poddy and we can go make our own sisterhood of the traveling pants yaaaaas.

Deeec' Piece With Fumes Like Greece

Got a situation with the motha? Ever dream of going somewhere her opinion wouldn't count? Are you a male that doesn't mind (1) order, (2) idealism, (3) extremism, and (4) a strong sense of national pride? If you said yes to one or all of these questions, you may want to consider investing and participating in the Cuties with Jihadi Smoothies Collective. Become an ambassador now! You're future in Al-Sadir-Faruk-Alluh-Ahmed is just around the corner.

FCK IT

RETARDED MODEL WANTED

Cameron G

Jews running numbas above ya apartment? Mussies on their knees in the middle of the plane as your tryin to grab ran your carry on? Hey cuzo! It’s me uncle tommy, and I’m here to get you and your giant head to join in defending the Reich. We prioritize in weapon shipments but we do have other inquires that I can’t discuss over the phone. We’re trying to get you started ASAP so if you could just come with us to the sandbox (probably Israel) we can get things started. You can reach me at nukethesandbox@aol.com Take care, FFTommy

Bill Fugere

I once sold a wristwatch to a guy with no hands. That's NOT a hack joke it's true. I was working at a merch table at the 1996 Paralympics in Hotlanta. With that credential does it matter what business I am opening in the Middle East? Lots of missing limbs out there...join me!

Cro-Magnon Chrissy, The Big German Sissy

Let me be CC. Chrissy and I are going to open a physiotherapy/smoothie bar in the Philippines. We're going to hire young Filipino men and run through them like Cholera did in the early 1900's #weizhongxian

Eric “Suck my dick babe” Bernal

if you don’t think I’ll have these Sandra dee’s learning English to deep throat ur cock while saying “hail Hitler , let me suck ya dick babe” you got another thing coming. Our business will be over throwing the muzzies govt and placing the baby 🍼 as queen. We’ll have the situation come visit where she’ll have 2 choices , first one be ur wiiifffeeeee and u can still bang out tutes or she can get another tattoo on her tit , her choice cuz. Either way we’ll have the American flag in all homes and business’s ... why u ask !? bc fuck em that’s why. We’ll have ur alarm clock with yanni screaming “hola me gente!” Just to bring some class. Lastly whatever favorite restaurant you like in nyc , we’ll buy the family with our sandy money n bada boom ... now they wit us now! Pretty sure they got a jet blue flight to this country ... let’s go!

Liane the Garlic Slicer

Christopher, Please consider moving back to Rome with me as we are both #ForRome , even though we have Italian last names and Ancestry DNA confirmed that I too am partially descended from Western European snow monkey Germanic tribes. Despite this, I promise to always slice the garlic real thin for you and the babi when I cook our peetz (because I fear discipline), cook some New York sawsage and peppaz, chicken cutlets, and always make sure you have a mouth full of sweetz to make you forget you are not home. Make No Mistake we will also fly over Sergio as our house boi and trainer so that we can both stay in shape, throw hands, and take people physically. Now if you will Pardone matre, I'm off to check if Lovesac ships international.

J-Ro Williams

Cuzzies!! Perfect timing! I’ve been selling used panties to swarthy eastern hemmies for months now and business is bananas!! Unfortunately I’ve been made by all the naked booty club bouncers, gym security guards, and tanning salon owners in the Tri-State area and need a new face to help sneak in and gather up inventory!! Let me be crystal clear. There is a chance you end up on a list and wearing an ankle bracelet that shocks the shit out of you anytime you get within 500 feet of these places, but you’ll make a shit ton of moneeeeeeeeeeeey! Ladda fourteen!

Chrisisnero iamsporus

The boys dropped a microwave on the eastern hemmies. Russia blew up a microwave in Chernobyl. Now it’s your turn to go nuclear in my ass, Greenlights. Leave the laws of this great country behind and come sandblast me in Saudi ya damn tute

Fumarco Rubio 2024

1. I’m a blonde hair, blue eyed German kid and MNM Chrissy and I would have hitler’s reincarnate as a spawn. Instead of baby’s first steps, it would be little adolf’s first salute. 2. All my exes are either recovering or active heroin addicts and my trump loving dad is getting REAL sick of me bringing home dudes and showing off their 30 day clean tags through billows of strawberry shortcake vape smoke 3. I live by springfield, MA so Chrissy’s bachelor party could be at that strip club yannis got thrown out of 4. I have a purebred Scottish fold cat who Sergio is very fond of on IG so if it doesn’t work out with CD, I’m makin little bebes with him See you kids on 10/4 the day after I turn thirty so I’ll be the one cryingggg

Criminal Minded

Chrisy, I got the perfect first date planed for us, sweetie. You’ll pick me up with you Chevy Impala hardtop at my mothers house, and you’ll look so hot in your white polyester, Hugo Boss suit, with your perfectly groomed hair that you worked three hours on. My mom will make sure to “just watch the hair” when she greets you. Well go out dancing at 2001 Odyssey, and I’ll make sure the DJ plays our special Bee Gees song when we hit the dance floor, of course my underwear will be off when we do our big solo dance. Then, after you crack me open, and clean me out in the back seat of your Chevy Impala, we can goto Lenny’s Pizza on 86th Street and you can show me how to eat a couple of slices using your Inside-Out fold method. Love you Baby.

Cassandra Dionne

Alright strap in and get comfy womfy. I got the best of both worlds, Babe. I can hold stimulating conversations like a man but have the voluptuous curves of a Latina. I am a little bit of a mutt genetically but have deep German roots and likewise share a fascination with history. I love cooking and sweets and would make sure to add the love (cause Babe, that's honestly where the flavor comes from). Comfy womfy cuddling in the lovesac and COACO would be on the menu as regulars. We'd have a couple doughnuts, drop off the babi and throw hands in the morning. Then head off for a smoothie and some sammies for lunch. Midday cuddle nap. Pick up the babi and go do something fun. Home cooked Italian dinner or order in some pizza if it's fitting. Tuck in the babi for the night, jump in our onesies and binge watch some Netflix and COACO at our leisure. I'll put an antacid in my bellybutton for your GERD and be there all night so you could sleep deeply and wake up refreshed knowing you are safe in my arms. Do a podcast 2-3 times a week, cause I know Steel Pipe Chrissy's need for an outlet for his opinions and our friends would do guest spots every week. You know we're gonna hit the Whitney karaoke some evenings while moving the vegetables. As far as the destination: Blumenau, Brazil (look it up)? If not, anywhere you want, Babe. Something with a big city vibe but you can still gaze at the stars cuddled up in the back yard...

Clayto

Simple, I’m an OG $25 member since the start, you already love me. Suck me, and look caaauuuuuuuuuttte while doing it.

Travy Balls & Clit Salois

Hey Christopher baby I’m gonna butter you up like none other here cuzzy wuzzy. By the end of the night you’re gonna have me cracked wide open. Now I think I’ve gotten to know you pretty well and I wanna take my thick boy on a little trip. Now I don’t have a ton of money so we’re gonna have to split the bill but I’m feeling like it’s about time we see Vancouver baby. We can buy one seat on the plane and you can get in my lap because I’ve got soft thighs because I don’t really work out my lower half that much. Then I’m thinking we take a road trip up to Alaska, that’s right boo I’ve been listening to my boy. Like I said I got soft thighs so I’ll drive and you can do your whole anxiety thing from the comfort of my 38 waist. As for my business, I’ve curated the world first fan that is designed specifically to remove small sand particles from Sandra Dee’s body tents. It’s gonna revolutionize how Sandra Dee’s clean on a daily basis. Get get a ticket here and I got a cot for you in the upper Zagros Mountains until we can get your Green Card all figured out. Talk to you later cuz.

Pete Davoli

I sell suppositories and I need someone to help scout out nice butts to test them on!

PeterFetaCheese

I don't have a business plan. All I plan is to crawl in that lovsac with chrissy cakes and watch Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

DJ RomanianFumes aka DJ the Dime

Alright Chrissy Green Lights... we sell gourmet popcorn and nostalgic candies in Beirut, Lebanon.. We crack open some pieces that look like they do voodoo and use hummus as beauty products.. then we start maxing out a Roth IRA every month so we can take care of the situations we have back in the states.. once we have the money on lock we start doing beer hall putsch’s all around West Germany 🇩🇪.. and the final solution to this plan ends with the boys rounding up a couple million Je..(cackles) ...it’s just what it is #HugoBoss #MercedesBenz #Strudle