A Toast For The New Year! (Patreon)

Ah, the New Year is approaching us again. The feelings of finality are welling up in my chest again and I’m once more filled with both fears and hopes for the new chapter of my life. Isn’t it funny that the time between Christmas and New Year’s Eve is marked by such a strange duality? It’s our time to relax with families but it’s also our time to close the important matters at the end of the calendar year. It’s the time where we look back at our life, filled with a bittersweet mixture of regret and gratitude. It is truly a time where you can feel the weight of the world pressing against you, even as you gather your resolve for the next year of your life.

It was a crazy year for all of us, for many different reasons. Personally, this was a year where my life was turned upside down. I entered it sick and close to losing my job but I’m exiting it healthy and in the best position at my department I had since I started working there. I won’t pretend that it was somehow an epic tale of hard work and perseverance. Rather, it was a gruelling tale of breaking free from an abusive professional relationship that had been grinding me down over the years. I truly feel like it was a miracle that saved me from it and allowed me to actually end this madness and return to my life. I’ve spent the last few years of my life dancing to the tune of an enchanted flute held by a man who had neither a respect for the plans of others nor a coherent plan of his own. A man ultimately undone by his attempt to hold a multi-year group project hostage by refusing to sign a few forms, only to get officially booted from both the project and my life because nobody else in the chain of command was willing to let him play his games.

I wish I could say that since now I’m free I’m perfectly fine and healthy, but the more correct statement would be saying that I’m wounded, battered but finally healing. The last few years have been a time of a massive mental health struggle for me and this is the first time in years when I can say that I’m actually getting better. Frankly, I’m still scared. I know deep in my heart that I’m still brute forcing my way through many of my issues and still playing for time to delay the confrontations I know I can’t handle right now. But right now it’s also the first time in years when I can confidently say that I’m no longer feeling slowly buried alive by my problems. It’s time for me to fight back! I still stumble, fall and rise again. I don’t even know exactly how to fix what’s broken inside me, though I still keep on searching for the answers. My state of this strange, somber hope is best described by the words from the work of one of my favourite artists, Gavin Dunne: “Don't know what I'm becoming but I know I'll make it mine”.

I want to express my most sincere gratitude towards you, my dear audience, and towards all my friends and mutuals. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to make it. I mean it sincerely. You helped me find relief in the art when I was at my lowest. You helped me regain a sense of control of my life and gave me something to look forward to. And while it might seem a bit crude to mention, your commissions and patreon support did help me a lot by providing me with a secondary cashflow. I’m grateful to you all and I hope we’ll still be together next year!

I want to wish you all the best, to raise a toast for our next year! May we change for the better! May we stay healthy! May all the storms of current age wash over us and our families, leaving us safe! And finally, may we meet again next year! God bless you all and happy New Year!