What's Left Unsaid - Chapter 15 (Patreon)

I felt sick. No… not just felt…

I pushed back from the kitchen table and rushed to the sink, suddenly emptying my stomach of whatever little there was. It shouldn’t have hit me like this. I’d been all but positive that Conner had seen the videos. The pictures. But to hear him say it out loud… oh god i was gonna vomit again!

The feeling of Conner’s hand on my back, slowly rubbing over the soft robe I was wearing, hanging open now thanks to my rush to the sink, was small comfort. But I would take anything I could get at this point. Not that I deserved it.

“You…” I was panting, gasping and feeling my stomach clench and throat constrict and… convulse. “You saw… you… you watched…” I was about to sob as well as gag.

“Shhhh.” He rubbed at my back as he turned on the sink, washing away my mess and soaking a wash cloth, putting it on the back of my neck. The coolness helped calm my roiling gut. “It’s okay, Daisy. It’s okay.”

I shook my head and almost fell over, gripping the counter tightly to stay up. “But it’s not okay Conner. It’s not!” My chest constricted, like I had a two ton weight on me, trying to crush me. “I… I cheated… fuck… I more than cheated… I was a whore.” There was no stopping my sobs.

He gathered me into his arms and pulled me tight. This wasn’t how I pictured the morning going, though honestly it was better than my horrifying nightmares. We’d been so quiet when we woke up and came down to the kitchen. Conner mechanically made coffee as I sat down dressed only in my robe, watching him and waiting. When he finally spoke, that’s what had triggered my sudden stomach escapades. Just those simple words “I’ve seen the videos of you and Ash.” had sent me down the rabbit hole into a nightmare I just didn’t want to face.

But I had to. We had to.

Too long we’d been dancing around it. One minute was too long. But there’d been this unspoken terror, a monster hiding and peeking out from behind each of us. Over our shoulders. Teasing us with its sin.

Now it was out in the open. Or at least we’d grabbed it by the horns and were dragging it out. There was still so much to talk about.

“You’re not a whore.” He whispered into my hair.

God I didn’t deserve this man. I deserved wrath. Screams and shouts and names. But he was holding me and kissing me and taking care of me despite I’d let another man, and a woman, use me and touch me in ways that only he was supposed to have permission for.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I muttered into his bare chest.

“It’s okay.”

I pounded my fist against his chest, making him grunt. “Stop it! Stop saying it’s okay because it’s not! I fucked someone else. And not just once! Over a dozen times…”

“I wasn’t really counting…” Conner attempted levity.

“Shut the fuck up!” I nearly screamed, but kept my head buried in his chest. “I fucked up! I spread my legs because I just couldn’t… I needed… You… Fuck Conner anything I saw will hurt you! I just chose myself. I pushed you aside…”

He pushed me away from his chest, hands on my cheeks glaring down into my eyes. “No. Stop. You never pushed me aside. You’ve been trying every time. Even when I just felt like giving up. You tried. You’ve been willing to experiment. Going to therapy with me. Never judging. But Daisy, I can’t blame you for growing tired. Like me. It’s been a year. A fucking horrible year. We can be grateful for the things that we have but also be upset and exhausted about the problems we still have.”

His thumbs brushed away my lingering tears. “I understand. I really do. You’ve been strong. You’ve been with me this whole time. Through it all. Never once did your love waver. It doesn’t matter how many men you might have invited to ravish you. Or… ahem… women. Your love for me has always been clear. You’ve made mistakes. We both have. So let’s face them. Let’s confront them and fix them. Let’s find a new path.”

I clutched at his arms. “Conner. You didn’t deserve this. My… my infidelity. You deserved my loyalty.”

“And for nearly this entire year, you’ve given it. Can I fault you a slip when you’ve been carrying everything for so long? And it’s not even your burden to bear. It’s my body. My issues.”

I shook my head. “No. One flesh Conner. Remember all those premarital classes we went to. We become one flesh. One. Your body is mine and mine is yours. We are in this together. And I…”

“We. We stopped working together like we should.” Conner nodded and gave a sad smile. “You’re right. It’s us. Not I.”

I got onto my toes and kissed him and then pulled back and covered my mouth. “Oh fuck! I’m sorry. That must be gross.”

Conner laughed and wiped his lips. “It’s…it’s okay. But just so you know, I’m not into vomit play or anything like that.”

My stomach flipped and I cringed. “Oh god, Conner. Please don’t even joke. I don’t think I can even take thinking about… that.”

He was chuckling and rubbing my back again. “Okay. Sorry. Do you need a Tums or something? Or some water?”

I sighed. “I’m a big girl, Conner. I can get those things myself.” I turned from him and went to the cabinet, grabbing a glass and going back to fill it from the refrigerator drink dispenser. “So…” I took a slow breath. “What do we do now?”

Conner was rinsing the sink out, pouring in some soap and scrubbing away my sick. “Well… that’s what I was wanting to talk to you about. My… odd request.”

I turned back to him, slowly sipping my water and suddenly feeling strangely exposed as my robe fluttered open showing my nudity. Obviously I didn’t feel shy around Conner. Those days were long gone. But the way he turned and looked at me. His eyes trailing along my legs and over my pussy and stomach and breasts, it felt like his nails were sensually scraping along my skin making me shiver.

“I… think you should keep seeing Ash.”

I dropped my glass.

…

Daisy was standing like a statue staring down at me as I carefully picked up the shards of glass from the floor, also wiping up the spilled water. “I mean… it doesn’t have to be Ash. It… it can be whomever you want…”

My wife looked like a shocked fish. “Conner… you… you want me to… to what? To keep having an affair?”

I sighed. This wasn’t coming out right. Hell, I wasn’t even sure this was what I wanted. What I did know was that in all the videos and all the photos and even when I caught that one short peek of her and Ash, she felt good. She was conflicted over her love for me and her bodily needs and wants. But she felt good. She enjoyed the sex.

Who was I to deprive her of that?

Daisy sank to her knees once the glass was cleared and pulled her robe around her. “Conner. I… I don’t understand.”

I tossed the glass into the garbage and sat down, leaning against the cabinets. “I don’t either.” It was hard not to chuckle at the absurdity of it all. This whole mess that my life and my marriage had become.

“I love you. I… you know it wasn’t because… because…”

“I’m impotent?”

Daisy sighed and let herself fall back against the fridge. “Conner…”

“It’s true. We just need to accept it. Maybe we can fix it somehow with… pumps or whatever, but it just doesn’t work anymore. The sheath works. We can have fun in all sorts of ways. But I know what you want…”

She pulled her knees up, resting her chin on them and watched me with a watery gaze.

“You want something real. Something uncomplicated. And I just can’t give that to you right now. That’s why you went to Ash.”

Her gaze left mine, looking away guilty and shamed.

“I forgive you Daisy. I do. I… it’s still sore. And I’m gonna need some time to… come to terms…”

“He’s not better than you!” She blurted and looked back, her gaze fierce.

I scooted over, settling down next to her and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. “I know. I know that isn’t the reason. And we can sit and discuss all of it. Find a therapist. Or just… sit and get drunk and yell it all out.”

Daisy snorted and leaned into me. “That doesn’t sound too terrible.”

“But for now… for now… before we do that, I…” My sigh was heavy. “I need some time Daisy.”

She pressed hard against me. “Don’t leave.” She whispered and the desperation in those two words was worse than any of the betrayal I’d suffered.

“I’m not leaving. But… I think we need to… I just…” Why was this so hard to get out? “For now I think we should stop having sex. I… it’s just… seeing all of that with Ash… it’s not that I don’t want to be with you. In fact… the opposite. But, things are so fucked up.” I scrubbed my hand through my hair, pulling at it. “I’m confused. Confused about what I saw. And how I felt. Add on top how I don’t work the same and how it hurts when I cum… it’s, it’s a fucking ball of tangled string and I don’t know how to untangle it.”

Daisy nestled into me, snuggling close. “I wanted it to be you.”

I kissed the top of her head. “I know. Me too. But… for now… if you want, I’ll… I guess, look the other way. Just don’t lie. Be honest. But… I guess… don’t rub my face in it.”

She was shaking her head. “No. No never. Never honey. If… and that’s a big if, I do anything. I would never hold it over you or anything. It would… it would just be sex. Nothing more. Though considering how I left things with Ash… um… he might not want to see me anymore.”

I watched her as she held close to me, her mind clearly turning and working. Was she considering calling Ash? Trying to fix things with him? Last I’d seen they were pretty intimate in their little tryst. What had happened after I left?

Daisy put her face in her hands growling with frustration. “Fuck. Are we seriously considering this? Conner… do you really want me out giving up my goodies to others? Honestly all I want is your hands all up in my cookie jar.”

I burst out laughing and literally fell over on my side, arms around my stomach it hurt so much as I howled. Daisy slapped my shoulder. “Shut up! It’s true. You’re the one I want! Ash was… basically a living dildo.”

“And Carmen?” I somehow managed to squeak out between heaving breaths of laughter.

She rolled her eyes and shrugged. “Fleshlight I guess.”

“You have a cock you’ve been hiding?” I slowly sat up and she pushed me back over.

“Fucking pervert. Oh and don’t think I haven’t seen some of the things you’ve looked at in the past. Shemale stuff was at least ten percent.”

It was true enough. Not that I was really into that stuff, but sometimes erotic is erotic. Sexy is sexy. And things arouse you that you never expected. Just because I watched something and got off to it didn’t mean I wanted to indulge in it.

“Fine. Fine. I get it. I know your… ahem… your thing with Ash didn’t really mean anything. Besides the pleasure I saw on your face, your disdain and dismissal of any sort of feelings was pretty plain.”

She blushed and looked away again, embarrassed and guilty.

“But… I think I’m serious. Or… at least as honest as I can be right now. We’ve got some things to figure out. And… and if I’m telling the brutal truth, this body I have now… it’s different. I haven’t figured it out yet. We’ve been moving so fast. Trying to fix things. Slapping patches onto a glass tank that’s splintering faster than we can. I need to figure out my body. What I want. What I like. How I want things to work, at least for me. And then… then we need to sit together and actually work this out. How we can come back together and really… connect.”

Daisy sighed. “I honestly don’t get it, Conner. But… I owe you whatever you need. That’s the least I can give. And if… if you want me to… I might… try. I guess.”

“You can’t tell me you haven’t been feeling pent up Daisy. Even all you’ve been doing with Ash, it’s been because you were so sexually and emotionally frustrated. And I know he gave you release but you were still wound up. Worried about me. Our marriage. But I’m removing that. Don’t worry.” I put my hand on her shoulder, moving the robe and kissing her skin gently making her sigh. “I love you. I’m not going anywhere. I want to make this work. With you. Us. And… I guess sometimes you’ve gotta take a wild detour.”

She rested her head against me. “I love you.”

I kissed her hair. “I love you too. No question. Just, consider this a free pass. Hall pass. Whatever you wanna call it.”

She was nodding but I could still feel the tension in her. We still had a lot to figure out. And maybe what I was proposing was complicating things more. Honestly, what husband just gave his wife an open pass to fuck while he went on some sort of journey to discover himself, like he was young again and discovering his body. It felt like he was back at square one in a way, and Daisy was the more mature experienced woman who had needs that I just wasn’t up to satisfying. At least not yet.

For a while we just sat, holding each other in the quiet, letting everything settle as we contemplated what sort of future we were going to have and how messy things were going to get before we had our nice, ordered lives back.