What's Left Unsaid - Chapter 16 (Patreon)

Things were tense. Tense at home. Tense at work. Hell I felt tension in every single part of my body except the sort of tension I wanted. My penis. I wanted it to be as tense and solid as a fucking steel beam but no… I was like a limp hose.

I couldn’t shake all the horrible twisted feelings that were swirling around in my brain. It was making it nearly impossible to work. I’d spent most of the day just sitting behind my desk fiddling with a pen and staring at my computer screen. Thankfully there wasn’t anything important going on. Mondays could often be like that. Maybe God was looking out for me, giving me a day of quiet and peace after what I’d just gone through with my wife.

Daisy had been texting nearly every hour on the hour throughout the day, from the moment I’d left for work. She’d made breakfast, served me coffee, been the model 1950's sort of wife. She’d been dressed for work in her tights and gym t-shirt, hair pulled back in a ponytail. But she still pulled off the beautiful and sweet domestic partner vision. Her hand had been tightly in mine the whole time we ate and drank. And then when I left, she gave me a heated but soft kiss promising me all sorts of things that made my blood hot.

We hadn’t talked about what she might do in regards to Ash. After our confessions and discussion about possibly letting Daisy continue with her affair, we’d mostly kept quiet about it. I slept on the couch, though Daisy still protested the idea. But I needed space and she was doing her best to respect it.

Things were complicated to say the least. And I was about to make them even more so.

A soft knock made me jolt from my thoughts and look up as the door to my office opened slowly. Ella peeked in, her eyes bright with curiosity. “Conner? Is it alright if I come in?”

“Oh, hey Ella, yes. Of course. Come on in. Sorry I was just… I’ve got a lot on my mind.” I pushed away from my desk, standing up for the first time in I wasn’t sure how long.

Ella slipped inside and closed the door behind her. She was dressed in crisp fitting beige slacks and a lovely yellow blouse that was tucked in. Her platinum hair was woven into a tight braid that hung over one shoulder. “Is everything okay at home?” She asked, taking a step further into my office but still seeming a bit timid.

“That's… complicated.” I sighed and leaned against my desk, looking out my window. The sky was getting dark. I hadn’t realized how late it was. The office was probably all but empty by now.

Ella nodded. “I’m sorry. I know from what you’ve told me things are rough. And… you said last night in your text that you’re letting Daisy continue with her affair? Are you really sure that’s what you want?”

I let out a soft chuckle that had absolutely no mirth in it. “No. I don’t. I don’t like that she has to get pleasure from someone else. That I’m failing so miserably.”

“Don’t say that Conner. What you’re going through is perfectly normal. It happens more often than you’d think and there’s lots of options to explore.”

“I know. The pump. Pills. Surgeries. I know. And… maybe we can try those once my doctors stop thinking my spine is going to snap if they so much as give me too much ibuprofen. But right now… right now all I can do is use toys on her. And that’s just not enough. And maybe, maybe if it was which… I don’t know, fuck…” I walked over and slumped down on my couch.

“Ella… I’m saying this in confidence. Obviously.”

Ella nodded, her expression serious.

“I… got turned on seeing the videos. The pictures. Hell reading some of those texts. And when I saw them… fuck it was erotic. It broke my heart. I wanted to puke. But I also wished I could have run to the bathroom, grabbed a dirty pair of her panties and jerked into it like I used to when I was just learning about masturbating. I mean I wanted to beat it so badly and so fast I’d probably have given myself road rash.”

Ella let out a snorting laugh. “Sorry. Sorry.” She muttered covering her mouth.

I smiled. “It’s okay. It’s… kinda funny in a dark way I guess. Wanting to beat the meat thinking about my wife getting fucked.”

“It’s a pretty common kink, you know.” Ella came over and sat next to me, hands on her knees watching me.

“I know. Cuckolding. Hotwife. Stag and Vixen. Swinging. All those different variations. I just… never saw myself like that before ya know? But… I guess things change.”

“They do. And there’s no shame in trying to figure out what you like. What you don’t. But you have to do it open and honestly. You have to be willing to work through the bumps. And you have to be willing to stop at the drop of a hat, if that’s what someone wants.” Ella spoke confidently. I wondered if she had experience with this. From what we’d discussed, she hadn’t dated much or been in too many relationships, and she was very standoffish towards men because of how she’d been treated in the work field as well as just in general.

She’d enlightened me through our texts and emails and brief in person conversations that women had it pretty hard sometimes. Men constantly objectifying and underestimating them. Even when they proved themselves, they would still get dismissed. And that was in the fields that many people saw as “women’s” work. Put a woman into a mostly male dominated work force and it became twice as bad.

Ella had her own demons she was dealing with and had graciously offered to help me with mine. I didn’t want to be one of those men that underestimated her. Her input, her wisdom, whether it came from direct experience or not, was something I wanted to take seriously.

I sat forward, elbows on my knees and hands clasped. “I know. And, we are working on it. Probably not the best way. We’re kinda just stumbling our way through this.”

“But you’re trying.” She smiled and put a hand on my arm. “That’s what’s important.”

I nodded and sighed. “So… I take it you’re here to… what, give me counciling? Should I lay down on the couch and confess my sins?”

Ella giggled. “You’re conflating confessional and therapy. No need to confess any sins. But, what I’m proposing is going to need complete and unfiltered honesty.” She licked her lips, bit down thoughtfully and looked away, her cheeks tinting pink. “So… my mom… she has had a unique sort of job for the past several years. She actually was a therapist for a long time. And she mostly worked in the field of sexual wellness. Helping those with trauma. Abuse. Domestic and sexual violence and things of that nature. So, sex talk in my house was pretty open. I’ve talked to my mother about some of my issues and it’s helped but even she talked about me needing more.”

Her pause filled the office as she kept her hand on my arm and eyes looking far off.

“Several years back she moved into the field of sexual surrogacy. Where a group helps someone with sexual issues by working through the problems in a physical way as well as emotional and mental.”

My eyes widened. “Your… your mom has… does she…”

Ella turned to face me. “Yes. Sometimes. But please don’t think of it as… well what most people do. It’s therapy. Hands on. Like facing your fears in some ways. Though that’s really reducing it to like… bare bones sort of stuff. But yes. My mother has had sex with others in order to help them with their sexual dysfunction or trauma. It’s always in a safe and controlled environment with very strict boundaries and rules.”

I nodded, trying to wrap my head around it.

“So… what I’m proposing is… sex therapy light.”

“Light?” I asked, unable to stop a smirk.

“I can’t help you with the physical part of your dysfunction. That’s for a medical doctor. But… what you told me about when you ejaculate and how it hurts. I think that is far more psychosomatic than actual physical pain.” She shifted in her seat to face me more clearly and took my hands in hers. “You mentioned… when you saw Daisy with Ash… that you ejaculated and it didn’t hurt. Why do you think that is?”

I flushed and looked away, feeling ashamed. I’d tried to rationalize what I’d seen. How I’d felt. That maybe it had just been built up and a sudden stimulated release. Like a night emission. A wet dream. But that was way too simplistic. I’d witnessed my wife impaling herself on a cock, her lips spread open wide and creamy and making Ash’s member glisten. She’d been moaning, crying out. In ecstasy. And as much as it hurt me. The betrayal. It had also been beautiful.

There was no denying the beauty of a woman’s body. At least in my view. And to see a woman’s body being sexually satisfied… that was even more beautiful. Hell, the idea that she was fulfilling the primal role of mating, of taking a man’s seed inside her. The fact that that seed could then take root and grow and her belly would swell…

I swallowed back a sudden feeling of arousal. I was not imagining Daisy getting pregnant by someone else. I wasn’t. But… just the image. The idea. It was arousing. The view of her pussy stretching. It had been art.

I attempted to explain this to Ella, but honestly I’m just a tech nerd. I’m not a poet or a writer. How do you explain sexual beauty? The appreciation of it. How it could turn you on even as it ripped you apart. 

Ella simply nodded at my lame explanation and smiled, patting my hands. “I thought so. So… what I’m proposing is that we work through your block, your trauma, with a little sexual surrogacy."

My cheeks turned red. “E…Ella I… I mean you’re beautiful and wonderful and… I mean, I know this whole thing with Daisy is… I just… I’m not sure.”

Ella chuckled. “Oh you’re a sweet man, you know that?” She squeezed my hands. “I’m not going to have sex with you Conner. I… well that would be unethical in so many ways. And to really do full sexual surrogacy would require trained professionals. It’s a group thing too. Checks and balances. What I’m suggesting is less hands on and more visual.”

Standing up, Ella let my hands go gently and stood in front of me. Her hands shook for a moment, but then went to the button on her slacks. “I’m suggesting, Conner, that we expose ourselves to each other. That we explore visual stimulation. And this wouldn’t just be helping you, it would be helping me too.” Her cheeks flushed as she unbuttoned and then began to unzip, showing a brief glimpse of sunshine yellow.

The woman paused, hands still on her fly and looked at me with a pure sort of vulnerability that made my heart ache. “The looks men give me… it doesn’t make me feel good. And I don’t mean it makes me feel bad, it makes me feel numb. All they see is a body. And all these years I’ve grown numb to it. I know I’m smart. Capable. But… I don’t feel like a woman much these days. I’m numb. Numb to sex. Sexual attraction. But… I’m also intimidated. Men always objectify me. And I can see the evidence of their objectification. Their erections. And it scares me. I know this is confusing. I’m still trying to figure it out myself. But I’ve never really been aroused by a man’s erection. It’s… threatening. Like a spear. The fact that their… their erection wants to penetrate, to push in, to invade, has always made me feel uncomfortable. And before you ask, no, I’m not a lesbian. Funny enough, I like men. At least on a fundamental level. And though I’ve never had sex, it intrigued me. I’d like to do it some day, but with the right sort of person.”

She shivered and bit her lip. “But I don’t want to face that person and be afraid. And I don’t want to be around men all the time, noticing their erections and feeling like it’s a threat. And it’s not as if the guys around here are aggressive. They are actually fairly sweet. But… a physical reaction is a physical reaction and often can’t be helped. So, I’m scared. I’m nervous. And it’s been holding me back.” A fierce sort of determination entered her voice.

“I trust you Conner. You’ve been a really good boss and lately a good friend. And… Considering your situation, it seems like we can help each other. We can visually stimulate each other without the fear of anything happening. Without fear at all. No judgement. Just patience and understanding. Calm. You can look all you want and in any way you want. As long as I can do the same. And… as we get comfortable, we can progress to helping you with your ejaculation. Finding the right ways to stimulate your brain so that when your body responds, it doesn’t hurt. No more phantom trauma trying to ruin what should be pleasure.”

I stared at Ella. Trying to process what she was saying. What she was proposing. When we first talked, it had been vague at best. The idea that we could help each other with our sexual problems. I’d figured maybe it would just be some sexting. Maybe… Well, honestly I’m not sure what I thought. I haven’t had my mind straight in a long time.

What Ella was suggesting… made sense. I’ll be it in a very non-traditional way. Not something mainstream. But not unethical either. We were both adults. We understood what was at stake and what we were trying to accomplish. As beautiful as I thought Ella was, and sure if I’d been more physically able and mentally prepared and open, having sex with her would probably have been amazing. But I wanted Daisy. And Ella didn’t want me at all, but she felt safe. And so asking this of me was clearly hard, but showing how much she trusted me as a friend.

I glanced back at her open pants, the soft shine of yellow that was peeking out. I’d always liked lingerie. Panties. Bras. Garterbelts. Stockings. The whole kit and kaboodle. There was a time with Daisy that just seeing her in plain old granny panties that covered her entire behind turned me on.

I missed that feeling.

Since the accident I’d been so fucked up in so many ways. I wanted stability again. Reliability. I wanted my head back on straight.

Ella waited patiently and quietly, watching me with sincerity.

“So… how… exactly would this work?” I asked slowly.

She smiled nervously. “Well… I think the first thing we do is we get undressed.”