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who are you today? (Patreon)

Published:
2025-02-04 14:48:28
Edited:
2025-02-04 14:55:48
Imported:
2026-10
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Hi my loveliest!I'm writing to you from my little break with a sense of joy to get to do so. 🌻It's feels very similar to the spark I had when I just made my patreon, so excited for the chance to connect, communicate and share with you. Before I put on all these layers of fear and pressure, there was joy to create and a strong drive for a chance to make a positive impact.Despite this almost childlike excitement, there was an additional underlying notion — which took over — to do all these things (twitch, music, etc) for acceptance, safety and love.This means that failing = losing acceptance, safety and love!! A bit too much on stake.To flip it, I asked myself if I would lose it all, how would that change me? Who would I be?Eeeek.So, I'm moving through a bit of an identity crisis. It has been awful and remarkable. It is challenging to be patient with answers not yet unravelled...☁️If I'm not defined by trauma, expectations, or history... if I live for me, and not through the acceptance of someone else's gaze... if my value isn't found through achievements... who am I?What do I even want when all the voices around me are silenced?I know there's no need to define ourselves, but I want to at least figure out what I've carried that isn't mine to carry. Like guilt, pressure, or expectations - and what I can let go of.It seems strange to be so lost within myself because I always knew what I wanted.Be creative! Be kind! Be brave! ☀️But then it led down a road of fabricated rules... "it has to lead to success, or be on other people's terms, or be extremely uncomfortable"... and I wasn't so sure if it was for me anymore. Today I wonder why I would use experiences and accomplishments to define me. But I can also see how the leap from "I feel like myself when I create" to "I'm a talented singer" isn't that far. The difference is, in the latter I lose myself whenever my singing isn't enough in my own or others' opinion.I'm still figuring it out, there's likely no end destination to an identity; however, it feels like I've taken a seat instead of the flailing of my arms in the midst of it from before, which only caused it to stir more. Now I let it settle. Trusting the answers I need will come when I little by little move in a direction of what does feel true to me, or away from what doesn't. On my walk the other day, there was a chalkboard facing the road inside someone's kitchen, which read in caps:

WHO ARE YOU TODAY?

It stopped me in my tracks. I can reinvent myself at any stage. In fact, I can wake up today and choose to move in another direction, dress differently, pick other snacks, or carry myself in a new way. 🍓The choices I made in the past that weren't right for me or ended poorly doesn't define me, and doesn't have to define my future.The dissonance in me is a voice saying: "You're not living in a way that is aligned with your inner compass of personal life values, like: I work creatively, I help a lot of people and animals, I go on adventures."It doesn't have to be grand or changed overnight, but I think it's worth taking time to slow down and really ask ourselves "who we are today?" and "what feels valuable to me", and if we want to slightly (or completely) change the course? After all, even slight changes in navigation, and we will arrive in very different places when we travel far. 🛶🧭🐢Of course, this all started with and from the realisation that I am probably gay af and need to be breaking free (sooooring, flyyying) from the social mould I was put in (to be desirable to men and marry a guy and have two kids and a dog and a volvo) (omw to break free already with two cats and a skoda, haha!). ☁️✨️I am excited and somewhat scared to explore and learn what "feels like me" today. And I look forward to continue to learn who you are today.Q&A invitation: What feels true to you? Do you define yourself, and if so how? What feels valuable to you?Lots of love from me, Junimo and Kovu 🌻☀️In honour of my old school posts, just from my heart to yours. 💗

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Narangren

Q&A Answer: Well, I'm who I chose to be. Names have a lot of importance to me, they mean a lot and what someone chooses to call themselves can tell you a lot about them. I have two names I have given myself that hold great meaning to me. First, I am Narangren Tirthallion. This name is Quenya, Tolkien's high elven language, and it means "The Flame of Iron, the Steadfast Guardian." It represents not only who I am, but what I aspire to be. Passionate and strong, unbreakable and resolute. Protector of those I love, champion for what I believe in. Under this name I run groups in games to teach new players, I moderate spaces to keep people safe from those with malicious intent, and I even ran a mental health support group for two years with around a hundred members from all over the world. The second name is "Broom." The thing you sweep with. I work at camps. Some for scouts, teaching kids of all ages survival skills and crafts, and some for special needs youth, helping them understand themselves and grow. Broom is the name I use there. This name is also meaningful. It identifies that I am fun and silly, willing and even eager to go by a silly name. I got it by being hard-working and ever eager to help. Everyone who knows that name knows me as a teacher, as a friendly and open individual who would do anything to keep those around him safe. Broom is someone who will sacrifice time, sleep, food, and pain to ensure a better experience for others. So who am I? What do I value? My names. My names are me, and I am my names. When I think of myself, I am not the name my parents gave me, "Jacob" is a mask, a meaningless box I was put in against my will. When I am Broom or Narangren, I am free. Freely, happily, truly, me.

PenniePepper

Awww, all the photos are so sweet. Especially watching Frozen with us, aah. There's a kind of art in the way you live; an elegance. It sounds like this break is exactly what you needed. You're chasing down so much here but I hope you know that simply being you and finding the most natural ways to express that, ways that soothe and fulfill you, is all you need. And you shouldn't worry about other people's reactions, but considering how hard that is to do in practice, well then, being authentic to yourself means that when other people engage with you it means their reaction is genuine: if it's negative, you wouldn't want them around you anyway; if it's positive, then you know it's real. Whatever you find is 'you' will only make me love you more. I know enough about you to know that. But yes, I think does involve being gay af, haha. As for me, I feel like my whole life has been an identity crisis. I've never known what I want to be in most things. I've always wanted too many things to narrow it down. I think one of the reasons I'm so overtly sapphic, at least around friends like the Meadow, is that it's the one thing I've been absolutely sure about. Everything else there are doubts. I wonder if I'll ever be sure? I think everyone needs stability and time to work these things out. I'm so happy you've made space for yourself. Just to get into a better headspace. This whole working yourself out is a lifelong journey but I think the most meaningful one you can make. I know you'll get there.

Ottar Kraemer

OMG these photos are co cute I might cryyy... <3 Thank you for sharing both them and this very captivating and open-hearted post... What feels true to me? Friendship, true kindness and caring. In the end, these can't be faked to any reasonable measure. If someone is your friend, you feel it. Kindness hits you right in the soul. Caring makes you share the warmth of your deep self. How do I define myself? Not sure. I've filled so many roles over the years, most of wich I'd happily go back to again at some point. The few ones that I didnt like just never felt like "me" and I made sure to move away from it at the first opportunity. In the end, I think I still define myself as all the roles I've ever been known as - at least to some degree. Have I been perfect? Nope. But I'd never shy away from looking at my past mistakes, learn from them and incorporate that insight into who I am at any other point on the timeline if I had to redefine myself again. What feels valuable to me? My cats, my family, my friends... Any time I make someone smile or be less sad, thats valuable to me. Anytime I can call upon previous experience to try and solve a problem, thats makes me feel valuable. Honestly, whatever makes me valuable or supportive to the people I love is what I'd love to define myself as.

Caroline Rhea

the photos with this post are adorable, it looks like you're enjoying a good break and getting to do all the things you need to relax and find yourself again. for me, my identity is just "me". i think identities are fluid and change as you evolve with life. some people maybe find their identity early on and stick with it, others are changed and influenced by people they're around and things that happen in their lives. neither version is wrong as long as the person is happy with who they are. i do find it useful to have labels that explain certain parts of my identity, but also i don't let those labels define me and i accept that the labels might change as i age or discover new things or people. sometimes its hard to let go of something that feels secure but if its not making you happy anymore then the security its giving isn't good and maybe you need to let go and be a little scared to find a new happier place to be safe.