Don't be afraid of the darkness (Patreon)

Hey my dear patrons! There's a story I've been wanting to tell for a long time. It's a story without a beginning as it's actually a shadow from many other things. Pain I didn't know how to handle turning into something else. A way to cope! 

So where do I start... maybe where it all changed? 

I was studying acting about three years ago now, we had a lot of cardio in-cooperated to our education and in one of our "drink-water-or-pass-out-breaks" after a specifically fast paced running around session I went to one of the bathrooms further away from our classroom. One with a huge mirror. 

I don't know if it was the endorphins, my loose thin tank-top or the fact that I had been avoiding mirrors that did it. But looking at myself that moment - my smile faltering and my eyes quickly beginning to blur the image of my body seemingly not much more than a dull collection of skin and bones - I wondered how I had let myself sink that low? Collarbones, hipbones, ribs, all very clearly painted through my skin. I was around 45 kilo then, and for my 167 cm, that gave me a BMI of about 16. 

Here's the thing, I wasn't really actively trying to loose all this weight at that time. It was a little more complex than that. I was afraid of food, more specifically scared of food making me sick. Nothing in the entire world scared me more than the thought of throwing up. It scared me to the "I'd-rather-die"-point. Why did something that is over in a matter of seconds scare me so much I didn't even dare to eat apples you ask? Because it was the ultimate loss of control for me. And when food and my body seemed to be the only damn way I could control my life, I resorted to restricting until it was a hardcore ingrained habit. Until I whole-heatedly believed that I should never allow myself to satisfy my hungry. No food in my stomach meant no way to throw up, right? And avoiding all things that had potential of making me sick would keep me safe. All smart logic no? 

This meant I ate half a banana for breakfast (small amounts of banana and cucumber was the only real safe food I had) and that shaped the rest of my day. Some days I'd be almost high from the hunger pushing me on, and some nights I'd be crying myself to sleep wishing that I could go to bed at least one night not starving. 

A starving body is incredibly vulnerable. Which means thinking clear is not as easy as it sounds. You're constantly anxious because a weak body needs to be extra aware of any potential threats (thank you old tigers). It means it's near to impossible to think about anything except food. You might indulge in cooking videos or recipe books or fantasize about a delicious plate of your once favorite food. But you'd never allow yourself to actually eat this.

A common misconception about eating disorders (ED's) is that the person suffering doesn't like food. In most cases this couldn't be more wrong. What better way to punish yourself than to rip one of the best parts of your life away from yourself? And it's waaay more complicated than "just eat more". Because for someone like me at that time, eating my favorite fruit - green sour apple "Granny Smith" - scared me as much as someone being afraid of bees being asked to hold a buzzing little striped bug in their hand. I had a long journey ahead of myself but holy moly can I confirm that when the day came and I chewed into a juicy, crispy Granny Smith I actually cried haha!

I had to gain over 10 kilos to not be underweight anymore, boost up my blood pressure; I think from 90 to 120, and drop a lot of blankets filled with a false sense of security. I had been without my period for well over a year which is a HUGE sign for a woman that the body is not happy. I was in (really good) weekly therapy sessions at this point, I did yoga three times a day and I was reading a fantastic book by Gisela Van Der Ster Wallin. She had this quote that is following me to this day: "eat everything - better to be almost right than completely wrong". I used my need for control, the very thing that destroyed me, to my advantage and made sure I ate.

Slowly but surely we'd see those numbers rise. I could walk in stairs without getting dizzy. I stopped washing my hands red. I could join in with other people having snacks! Food I hadn't eaten in forever I tasted again. Portions got bigger and tastier. And my bum could save me from falls again!! 

The reason I'm sharing the video above is because it's from when I was in the midst of this journey. I had been given a key to the chapel because it was the only place with a piano and I was missing music. I used to go here several times a week to express what I couldn't through words. If you've seen me at my healthier states and you look at my legs when I walk in and out of this video you'll see a huge difference with those stick legs I had back then. (I also have a picture from my birthday, I don't have any more pictures of myself from this time because I hated myself too much to want to capture it, but I went to see a musical of A Christmas Carol together with my class that day and was feeling happier than usual. I'm covered in many layers of clothes, but the lack of weight is visible on my legs and arms.)

The first two lines in the song is: "Don't be afraid of the darkness, for the light is resting there. We see no stars where the darkness does not bear." These lines would give me a sense of warmth at this time, it was winter and the comfort from the stars and the moon would keep me going when I had to go through recovery. Reminding me of the light. I'm very grateful I crashed at this time. I had been struggling with food since I was a kid and here I was surrounded by a group of people that cared for me. A teacher that allowed me to always have snack breaks - even if it was in the middle of class. I had support from people around me, and I allowed myself to receive help for the first time in my life. 

I sang the "Don't be afraid of darkness" song in front of the school on my graduation day. Honoring the fact that I was no longer allowing my fear to control me. I grew so much from it and it set me free from so many chains I refused to let go of before. Isn't it funny how I was so scared of losing control and it turns out the villain itself was that I had too much control? One of my biggest lessons from this is that I am not a victim to life or my own habits. I choose to refuse to be held down by my fears. And little by little we travel far. So far that you can fall on your butt from your skateboard and not feel a thing.

If you wonder we're I'm at today then I have one short answer and one longer. 

The short one: As I'm writing this I'm chewing on a fantastic flavorful green apple. 

The longer one: Even though the road is sometimes very bumpy and I have natural highs and lows, I now know I don't need these harmful ways to cope. Remember a bit back when I was really struggling again? Yeah the ED was back strong as a result of the burnout and I'm now at 52,5kg working my way back up to 56kg. I've gained 0,5kg so don't worry, slowly but surely I'm back on track. That's why I'm telling this very long story now. I got things under control and I will NEVER let myself sink that low again, I never want to go through that again. But I'm aware this little eating disorder troll will always be at the back of my mind and I have to be continuously conscious of that and never let it rule over my life. Food gives us energy to enjoy life and I never want to rob myself of that again.

I'm going to round off the story here, but I want to make it clear that I got everything under (a healthy amount of) control today. There is no reason for you to worry about me at all. I know my warning signs and I never let it go too far. I sometimes grow tired of pushing and arguing against my ED but I under no circumstances allow it to drive anymore. (I wanted to tell this story for two reasons. 1. for you to know more about me, my past and ED's. 2. maybe you can relate to something in this or understand if someone close to you is dealing with similar struggles. ED's exist in many forms and does not only happen to women. You always deserve to be well.)

I also want to say thank you, for listening to my story of what happened right before I started streaming. After I finished acting school, I was recovered, stronger and happier than I had ever been before. That's when I moved to live with Lovi and we started creating music videos. This being our very first one together again. And it was the start of something new.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being part of a much bigger story. I know a lot of people have grown and found their way out of their own darkness in this community. Remember it's okay that we lose our way at times, sometimes it's even part of the journey to something even better. But always reach out to someone professional when you need it and remember that the sun will always come out eventually. And when we come out of it all we're stronger, wiser and hopefully we can fall more on our butt.

Sending you ALL THE LOVE!~ Joy