about love | heart to heart part 1 (Patreon)

hi my dear patron! <3

It's been a long while since I really opened up to you. Truth is I've longed to share from my heart to yours for a long while. It's about love and it's from an honest and vulnerable part of me.

Six months ago I split up with a soulmate, after living together for well over two years, our bond started to tear apart from the outside in. We reached a point where we barely recognised ourselves. We knew we had to create distance to give our love a chance in the future. We needed to build ourselves up again, as individuals.

Of all the grief, pain and loss, saying goodbye was somehow still one of the most painful things I've ever done. It absolutely terrified me to leave everything behind and walk alone into the unknown (cue Elsa). It felt paralyzing to split from the person I'm closest to, who accepts the parts of me I feel most shame in front of, who calls me out on my bullshit and who challenges me to grow stronger with every decision I make.

Shit, it hurt. I had never before shared myself with someone the way I had with him. After six years of PTSD he helped me heal my trauma. I had never loved or connected that way with another soul, I didn't even know that was possible until I met him. But there we found ourselves, breaking.

Til the very last minute before the flight took off we searched for any excuse to not have to do it. We didn't know who we would be on the other side of this, when or if we could see each other again, the only thing we did know was that it would make us stronger. The fact that it felt impossible to be without each other made it clear we needed exactly that.

Without almost any money or furniture I arrived in a place that was immensely bright, airy and beautiful. A reflection of what I could find here. A canvas where I could potentially create whatever I wanted. 

When I looked over the water from my window, I felt like I could breathe again, for the first time in a very very long time. 

You know when your breath has been so shallow, for so long, that when you finally take a deep breath it hurts your lungs? That's where I was at, both physically and emotionally.

Fast forward half a year of love, light and darkness, I've healed more than I could have visualised for that canvas. At times discomfort and pain comes out of nowhere, completely overwhelming me, but I find comfort in knowing it's part of the process. 

For the first time since I was twelve years old I feel like I'm trying to learn what it's like to live, not just survive. 

I'm opening my hearts in ways I thought it couldn't anymore. It's terrifying, liberating and what I discovered to be fulfilment. To let myself love, not just others, but myself too. 

Now it seems I've found myself loving more than I know what to do about, but more about that in part two of this. 

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Thank you for your love, for reading, and for sharing this space with me. I'm honoured I get a chance to also open my heart to you.

~ Joy