journey back to music, day 1023.. "the piano" (Patreon)

Okay so I did just make that number up, I'm not really sure when I lost music, but 1023 days seems reasonable. The weird push and pull I've come to know makes singing every day seem like a misty story about someone else. Music was my biggest passion and a form of expression that made more sense than any other.People telling me how to make it commercially optimized.. grades, laws, copyrights, numbers, paperwork, competition, comparison and a whole lot of judgment later..

What used to be something honest, vulnerable, fun, fulfilling, inspiring and raw, lost its colour.

It happened over years, intertwined with pain and masked as something else. I became scared and I lost my longing to sing. When I did put myself out there I'd mess up and I'd beat myself up for months, years.Music appeared to have changed into something else than what I knew and loved.

Now.. my piano has been waiting for me to unpack it, I've been far too scared to touch it. Until today.

Kittens helping me, jazz music playing, muscles pumped.All the way until I realised that the piano piece weighs 38 kilos.. hehNow I may be stubborn, (and I did lift it halfway) but I am also terrified of breaking this symbol of everything I could become and come back home to. This beacon, this heavy beacon of hope that is 12 kilos short from being as heavy as myself, has to wait a little bit longer. :') Maybe I just wasn't ready yet.~Joy