happy weekend to you! (Patreon)

I hope you're doing well, I want to offer a little double post this week with another video 🧡 this time part 3! 

I just made part two public, so I wanted to give you early access to the next one. :D

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Before I go, I also want to share an update on my "journey back to music", as I have called it. 

Last Monday I had another great and meaningful meeting with my therapist. Up until this point we have mostly focused on the "big stuff", so I haven't mentioned how I can't really enjoy the things I used to many years ago, like music (in hindsight, it's sad that I considered my personal enjoyment to be unimportant). I will have glimpses of joy and fulfilment when I play and sing, but then something always happens that fills me with discomfort and .. shame?

Our meetings are short, so we did not have time to deep dive, but it seems that I am scared of the discomfort I feel when I am unsatisfied with what I make (which let's be honest, I always am). I try to avoid having to listen to the criticism that I always bombard myself with when I create something. So instead of addressing these thoughts and meet them with compassion, I avoid doing it all together.

Music is the big one, I place so much pressure on myself when it comes to music, it is as if everything is on the line. I have this idea that if I do it poorly I jepordise my future. This is because I used to have the idea that music was my path to happiness. So I avoid it all together, keeping me from it anyway.

So she kindly reminded me that this is a difficult way to happiness, and that perhaps, instead I can work on creating contentment where I am now. It is time for me to have.. some fun, she said!

Fun??

She even asked what I find fun and I could not think of anything. Because everything I do, "should" have a purpose and a direction and bring meaning to others. D: The idea of fun and pleasure is never what drives me. I can enjoy what I do, for sure, but I would never do something for the sole reason of having fun, and I can't seem to do it without pressure and anxiety. 

So now I am going to practice having fun haha. Without feeling the need to perform and without listening to the mean thoughts. Instead I am going to focus on the experience and what I am doing well. Just like with previous exposures, I am starting with something easier which happens to be: painting. 

It's difficult, but I really do miss childlike joy and the parts of me I only honoured when I was a child.

So I guess "my journey back to music" could be updated to "my journey back to... joy".

I think it adds up, it's all about coming "home" to myself.

If you read all the way to here, thank you. 🧡 I am sharing this just in case it might help one of you, but in the process it also helps me. We are all in this together after all, cue High School Musical.

Have a lovely weekend, many hugs,~ Joy