kina diaries: infertility (Patreon)

infertility is rough. like really rough. i first shared about my experience a year ago. since then it has become an even bigger part of my day-to-day existence, but at some point i stopped knowing how to talk about it and now it feels like i've been going through the world mute.⁣

i have wanted to be a mom since i was a kid. family is sacred to me. even more so than my dream to pursue music, my dream to have a family has always been the most near to my heart. i know there are many means to have a family, and of course i believe they are all valid and beautiful. but i also know i can't force myself to be further along on this journey emotionally than where i'm at. ⁣

⁣since january, we have been deep in the world of IVF. this chapter of infertility has been such a longer, more intense, anxiety-ridden, and heartbreaking process than i'd ever imagined. it is test after test after test. it's blood draws every other day, and being poked and prodded in all sorts of violating ways. it's giving yourself 3-4 shots every day. it's hormones that throw you straight into the deepest depression. it is waiting upon waiting, and all the while, living with the fear that after all of this, you still may never get pregnant. it's doing a full month-long round of meds and procedures to get zero viable embryos. it's watching as your friends become pregnant one by one and slowly the beautiful community you once had is now almost too painful to think about.⁣

⁣it's also getting pregnant after nearly 4 years of trying, only to miscarry two days later. which brings us to the present.⁣

⁣i am crushed and empty and heartbroken. but i also know i will be okay. i am breathing. i have a beautiful life. i have beautiful people in my life. IVF exists and there are doctors dedicating their lives to this, and i am privileged to even have the means to pursue it. on some level it feels wrong to talk about something like this when the world is on fire in the way it is. horrible injustices abound that are so much bigger than my dream to become a mother.⁣

⁣and yet, here i am sharing. to feel less alone. for openness and connection and hopefully some healing, too.

needless to say, this is why i’ve been a bit quiet lately and why i haven’t been releasing the new songs at quite the clip i’d have liked to. thank you all so much for your patience. really hoping and can share more music soon. 🤍

xo

kina