I, Kibutsuji Muzan, Does Not Want To Die (Patreon)

Chapter 11: Sin

The reason I headed to their house that day was to check on Uta.

The baby would be born soon—or perhaps it had already been born.

I went to see the fruit of their love for myself.

On the way there, I sensed the thoughts of a demon being attacked by a Demon Slayer.

The thoughts of a demon fleeing for its life, trembling in fear of death, sent a shiver down my spine.

But at the same time, its thoughts were filled with joy—having found a human, it could eat and heal its body.

—And then, the vision I received made me gasp.

"Stop it!!!"

Without thinking, I screamed, commanding the demon to stop, and I ran.

Then... I saw the familiar shack... and smelled the scent of blood... and I was filled with despair.

. . . . . . . . . .

I killed the demon that had torn open Uta’s belly and was desperately devouring her blood and flesh.

Ah, so I can kill demons if I feel true hatred for them, I thought, registering this new discovery somewhere in the back of my mind as I clung to Uta.

"Uta! Are yo―――"

I was going to ask if she was okay, but the words stopped immediately.

Her body was still warm to the touch… but there was no heartbeat.

Her obsidian-like eyes were wide open, staring at nothing.

Her body didn’t move, not even a twitch... 

She was already dead.

If she had been barely alive, I could have turned her into a demon and saved her.

But… once a life is lost, it cannot be saved.

Life… can be saved, but never restored.

Uta is no longer here.

Drip

The blood spilling from her abdomen stained my hands red.

It was warm—something a demon would consider a delicacy, something to lick up immediately.

And yet, I just stared at it blankly.

At the life that had once been Uta, flowing out endlessly—I could only watch in a daze.

“Muzan…sama…why…”

And then, the demon vanished.

Its heart was filled with questions.

Why was Muzan-sama here? Why did Muzan-sama kill me? Why did I have to die here?

Those doubts consumed its final thoughts... and yet, in the end—

‘…Thank you, Muzan-sama.’

It died while sending me feelings of gratitude.

Ah… Ah, yes, that’s right.

You were still a child when I turned you into a demon. You didn’t listen to the adults in your village and played near a cliff—you fell…

You were on the brink of death, and I saved you.

To repay that debt, you’d search until just before sunrise every single night without taking a rest.

That’s how the Demon Slayers found you… and then…

Ah…

I pressed my hands to my face.

My fingers dug into my skin, and blood began to flow from the pain.

Drip, drip—my blood fell onto Uta’s body, into the pool of blood.

A faint glimmer of hope crossed my mind—perhaps this blood could turn her into a demon.

But Uta's body didn't move a muscle.

『Muzan-dono! Ah, wait, that’s not right.

Muzan! Welcome! Make yourself at home!』

Her innocent smile and voice came back to me, vividly.

That smile, that voice—I’ll never see or hear them again.

We can never go back to that time when the three of us shared a humble hot pot together.

And then… I killed the child I selfishly turned into a demon just to prolong its life, in a fit of emotion born of my own selfishness.

Ever since I killed that kind doctor in a rage back then… I haven't changed a bit.

How… how foolish I am…

I could blame someone else for Uta’s death.

Yes, I didn’t kill her with my own hands—there are plenty of excuses I could make.

I could blame the demon that just vanished. I could blame Uta for being too careless, for lacking caution. I could even blame Yoriichi for not being here…

"Ghh… gghhhaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHH—!"

But I can’t do that. Of course I can’t!

In the end, it all traces back to me—I’m the one who created more demons!

Even if she was careless, Uta had at least learned how to protect herself!

And Yoriichi is probably only absent because he went to get a doctor!

The mere fact that such thoughts crossed my mind makes me feel ashamed…

Know shame, Kibutsuji Muzan—!

This is all the result of your actions!

The unmoving baby in the pool of blood—the child whose left face had been chewed off—the child that was supposed to be born from Uta… Kokuyou…

Because of me, it was never even born—it died…

Thud

I collapsed to my knees, powerless.

In front of me lay Uta’s lifeless body, and Kokuyou…

The life that should have been a blessing, that I stole away…

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"

All I can do is apologize.

It won’t change anything. No miracle will happen.

Cradling the small corpse of Kokuyou, whose life ended before birth, I could do nothing but continue to apologize.

That warm, gentle space—we can never return to it again—

“…Uta…?”

The moment I heard that voice, it felt as if I had swallowed a lump of lead—my stomach turned heavy.

Crushed by unbearable guilt, I couldn't even glance at Yoriichi as he passed by me.

He gently picked up Uta’s lifeless body, placing a hand on her cheek—I couldn’t see his face.

But as time passed, my guilt swelled to an unbearable degree.

My mouth was dry, and my heart pounded like thunder in my ears.

And yet, Yoriichi showed no reaction.

He simply stared at Uta’s corpse—no emotion on his face, no feeling in his presence.

That frightened me. The absence of anything terrified me.

But I was equally afraid that Yoriichi would turn to me and blame me.

And just as much… I was afraid that Yoriichi might forgive me.

I don't know how long I stayed like that.

At some point, Yoriichi’s shoulders trembled slightly, and his face moved just a little.

"—!"

Whoosh!

In that instant, I turned on my heel and fled.

Without taking a glance backward, I exposed my back and ran.

Outside, the sun had already risen. The exposed parts of my body began to burn.

The excruciating pain assaulted me, but I didn’t stop running—I just kept fleeing.

I was afraid. Terrified of everything.

Afraid that Yoriichi might blame me, that he might forgive me, that he might kill me, that I might be killed.

I was even afraid to see his face, to look into his eyes and learn the answer.

So I just ran.

I fled blindly, with everything I had.

. . . . . . . . . .

I escaped deep into a sunless mountain, and even though parts of my body had been burned down to the bone, I was still alive.

I couldn’t even die for atonement.

If I had just stayed still in the sun, it would've been over… but before I realized it, I’d run away again to find safety.

I’m disgusted by my own wretchedness.

"How… hideous I am…"

I sat down on the spot and leaned against a massive tree.

Looking up, I saw the thick, overgrown leaves completely blocking out the sunlight.

And yet, even the faint rays of light peeking through the foliage felt like they were condemning me.

"You caused people to die—so just die already," they seemed to say.

A chill ran down my spine, as I sensed the shadow of death for the first time in ages.

With arms not yet fully healed, I wrapped them around my shoulders.

My body trembled with fear, as the terror of death suddenly surged back within me.

"Heh… hahaha… hahaha… hahahaha…"

Then… a self-mocking laugh escaped me.

After all the death I’ve caused so selfishly, am I really this scared just because of a little pain?

How shameless, how pitiful… what a grotesque creature I am.

"Hahaha… I must be… someone who should never have existed."

The moment I murmured those words, a sliding door appeared behind me.

I didn’t resist as my body collapsed backward, falling powerlessly into the doorway.

As the scenery changed in an instant, I quietly closed my eyes.

That day, I lost a friend… and ran away from another friend.

. . . . . . . . . .

After that, I issued an order to the demons—not to kill humans more than necessary.

I didn’t want another tragedy like Uta’s to happen again… but I also didn’t want the demons to be unable to survive.

It was a half-hearted, cruel order… and yet, it was all I could say.

It was around that time.

The demon hunters—those who called themselves the Demon Slayer Corps—suddenly began to refine their swordsmanship.

There were six particularly strong ones… and they were powerful.

They could adapt even to blood demon arts they were seeing for the first time, and the demons kept being slain.

A swordsman as fluid as water.

A swordsman as wild as the wind.

A swordsman as powerful as stone.

A swordsman as swift as lightning.

“Flame Breathing! First Form! Shiranui!”

And a swordsman as fierce as fire.

—He was the distinctive swordsman with the striking hair I had let slip away back then.

His swordsmanship now was sharpened far beyond what it had been at that time.

The anguished cries of the demons who had been killed tormented me.

Their echoes of “It hurts, it hurts, I don’t want to die!” haunted me.

Why had they suddenly grown so strong?

Indeed, the Demon Slayer Corps had become stronger.

But that was strength in numbers—individually, they had not yet reached the level to rival demons.

Yet that doubt vanished the moment I saw the sixth, especially powerful swordsman—one I hadn’t even properly seen before.

I had no choice but to accept it.

"…Yoriichi…"

“……”

The demon who stood against Yoriichi met his eyes for just a moment—and in the next instant, the world spun around… and he died.

I only saw him for a moment, but he had looked healthy. 

It's strange for me to say this, but I felt relieved.

At the same time, my heart was torn to pieces by the pseudo-experience of being killed by Yoriichi.

I had always believed I deserved to die… yet, having actually felt it, even as an illusion—it was agony.

Yoriichi’s strength stood out overwhelmingly compared to the other five.

Most likely… he was involved in the refinement of the Demon Slayer Corps' sword techniques.

I had always thought he was unfathomable… but I hadn’t expected this level of talent.

And at the same time, I felt a deep sense of danger.

At this rate… Yoriichi would eradicate all demons. That terrifying certainty gripped me.

…I must accelerate the search for the Blue Spider Lily.

Find it quickly, discover the means to return to humanity quickly…

And then?

After that… what exactly do I plan to do?

Before I realized it, I had no vision at all for what came next.

Even if I restored Nakime… what do I want to do?

From the corner of my vision, Tamayo stared at me with a sorrowful expression.

. . . . . . . . . .

"…Tamayo."

"…Muzan-sama, where are we?"

"This is one of the rooms in the Infinity Castle. The Demon Slayer Corps hasn't arrived yet.

All demons and all demon slayers are likely fighting in various parts of the castle."

"I see… So, what is it? The contents of the other medicines are a secret, you know."

"Nothing serious. I simply thought, since we have a little time… I would fulfill an old promise."

"…A promise…?"

Babam!

The sliding door in front of us opened… and beyond it was a moonlit sea.

"The promise we once made was to see the ocean by daylight after we became human again… but since that hasn’t happened, I’m afraid it’ll have to be the night sea once more."

What I pulled out was the same sake we drank back when the two of us traveled together…

I had thought I’d never drink it again, not after parting ways with Tamayo…

“…You’re oddly sentimental sometimes.”

“You’ve done much for me… truly.

And more than that, you’re a strange woman who’s willing to die alongside someone like me.

So, a little courtesy is the least I can offer…”

I said this with a bitter smile as I handed her a small cup, which Tamayo accepted with a soft smile of her own.

“Is that so…? Then I’ll drink it without hesitation.”

She drank the sake I poured in one breath.

And immediately, her face twisted into a slight grimace.

“Ugh… this is terrible.”

“Haha, it’s brewed using methods from hundreds of years ago. Still, I used to drink this back then, saying how delicious it was…”

“How did you drink this with such a bright smile?”

We exchanged the cup and bottle, and this time, Tamayo poured for me.

I gave her a smile in return.

“Because you were by my side.”

The sake I downed in one gulp was just foul-tasting water with alcohol in it.

There was no richness to it, no flavor at all.

But… just sitting here with her, gazing out at the sea—it made the drink taste better than any fine sake… or so it felt.

“…What’s with that line? Honestly…”

Tamayo looked stunned for a moment, then let out an exasperated sigh.

Then, she leaned against my shoulder with a soft thump.

I accepted it in silence, with a wry smile.

We sat like that for a while, watching the sea.

Neither drinking nor speaking.

Only the sound of the waves echoed around us.

In that gentle, passing time… Tamayo suddenly spoke.

“…Muzan-sama, the truth is… I always wanted to stay like this with you.

Just quietly spending each day together—that alone would’ve been enough for me.”

“…I see.”

I nodded to her words while gazing at the moon reflected on the sea.

“But… that wasn’t allowed, was it?

After all, we are man-eating monsters… and one day, we had to pay the price…”

“…Yes, you’re right.”

I placed my hand gently on her trembling shoulder and nodded in agreement.

“That’s why… I, who couldn’t stop you, will also accept all the consequences with you.

…Being with you made me happy.

I’m glad you saved me… It was a wonderful life.

And I’ve prepared myself to send you off…

There’s… nothing left I regret.”

Tamayo’s hand tightened around me in an embrace.

With her eyes closed, she entrusted her body to me, and I softly stroked her forehead.

“…You’ve done well, Tamayo.

Even until the end… I caused you trouble…”

In her final moment, Tamayo looked at me and gave a radiant smile, like a blooming flower.

“Goodbye, Muzan-sama. My beloved master…”

“…Thank you… for everything, Tamayo…”

Still smiling, Tamayo’s body slowly merged into mine.

Her form, sinking and being absorbed into my flesh…

So beautiful to the end, so strong and noble… I will never forget her as long as I remain myself.

Tamayo… until I cease to be me… stay with me…

“Of course…”

I placed my hand over my chest, looked up at the sky, and quietly closed my eyes.

I wondered… who among them would be the first to defeat my subordinates and reach me?

Unnoticed by anyone, tears flowed down my cheeks.