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new year who dis (Patreon)

Published:
2024-01-05 16:55:25
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

(⏱ reading time: 2 min)

1) Pre-commitment self-punishment mechanism

Last update, I said:

[AI Safety Part One] should fina-frickin'-lly be out in December. Or else: I will cut off a square-centimeter chunk of my hair, mix it with some food, and eat it on camera.
Yes, I am resorting to this level of pre-commitment contract. I'm sorry I've kept breaking my promise on this project for so many months, so this time, if I fail, at least the failure will be entertaining to y'all.

Aaaaaaand I failed.

So, here is a 2:36 video of me (attempting) to eat my hair, mixed in food: (CONTENT WARNING: GROSS) (NO SERIOUSLY THIS IS GENUINELY UPSETTING TO WATCH)

Part One was delayed again because — even though it's all written & illustrated — I want feedback on it from domain-experts & laypeople. But I didn't want to force them to give me feedback ASAP over the holidays, nor did I want to launch over the holidays.

And I won't be launching this month/January, because 1) I have some other project commitments to Hack Club [non-profit I'm collabing with] that I want to finish, and 2) I need to step back, figure out what's causing my physical/mental health problems, and address them before going forward. [See section 3]

February 2024 for AI Safety: Part One for sure, though. Or else: I will shave off one of my eyebrows, on camera.

. . .

2) A Veritasium video with 3M+ views?!

Two weeks ago, my explorable The Evolution of Trust was sorta-adapted into a Veritasium video, with 3.5 million views so far!

These characters even got the strategy-hats, and the classic Nicky Case ·_· face

The Veritasium folks reached out to me about a game theory video... three years ago. Then I didn't hear about it again until a few days ago when someone messaged me, "Hey congrats on the Veritasium video!" and I said, "wait what Veritasium video".

Congrats and sincerest thanks, Veritasium team! ·_·

. . .

3) 2023 Reflection / Post-Mortem:

2023 was, hands-down, my worst year as a creator.

I didn't ship anything this year. Not even a blog post. Maybe that would be fine if I was taking downtime to improve my skills, but I wasn't doing much of that either.

(Some exceptions: I'm pretty happy with the new code/design for my blog [The Shining typewriter animation 💖], and I did do some hands-on learning for statistics & artificial neural networks. But overall, 2023 was my worst year.)

I keep a daily diary, so I know what my recurring problems were in 2023. Here they are, and some ideas on how to fix them in 2024:

  • Health problems: Persistent fatigue/brain fog, and throat/jaw pain caused by anxiety + voice-related gender-dysphoria.
  • Solution(s): Health will be my core resolution for 2024. A specific focus on sleep cycle, not skipping breakfast, and mindfulness meditation for anxiety (especially voice dysphoria-related anxiety).
  • Project scope was too big, and kept changing. AI Safety for Fleshy Humans is 20,000+ words in total, and was thrown away & re-written twice. This was because the fields of AI & AI Safety are really broad & keep shifting. At some point I developed an "ugh" field around this entire project coz it's been such a timesuck.
  • Solution(s): After this project, DO NOT WORK on larger projects/series. Also, shipping > polishing.

. . .

If any of you have tips for health/fatigue/throat-strain, let me know! Also, what are your 2024 resolutions, if you do resolutions?  Feel free to vent/fantasize in the comments.

🐸 Leaping a Year,
~ Nicky Case

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Comments

Will Harris-Braun

I've got some weird fatigue/brain fog thing too. Trying to figure it out little by little. Hope you figure yours out and feel healthy this year.

Emelin Ringuette

I am NOT watching that video T_T please be kind to yourself

sudocurse

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS NICKY

Viniter

Please don't shave your eyebrows! I don't think this self-bullying is an effective source of motivation. Also, when I saw the Veritasium video I immediately thought of your explainer. For what it's worth, I found yours to be much more intuitive, and the Christmas truce example was such a good hook!

ncase
>>126237469

I AM A WOMAN OF MY WORD IT TURNS OUT I AM VERY BAD AT CHOOSING MY WORDS

Rev Storm

I used to shave my eyebrows and draw them on, honestly pretty cool look in my opinion...but I have to agree with Viniter, literally bullying yourself for failure is not healthy :( You gotta allow yourself to fail, it happens! Be good to yourself!!! Congratulations on the Veritasium video!

Jessie Homans

Definitely not watching that but kudos for making the attempt! As far as brain fog/health options go, the biggest thing that started helping me was keeping a tracker of my symptoms and a journal. I like Daylio because it’s a mood tracker and journal app but you can pick the way the moods work and what they represent so you can supplant symptoms and alleviated states for moods and use it as a health tracker. Medical self advocacy is tough but it starts with showing doctors data, they work much better when they have numbers or patterns they can look at. On the topic of throat strain, it can be tough, but just try and remember that the strain can actually deepen your voice over time through damage to your chords, so if you’re getting strain badly enough that it hurts, then that may just not be a healthy register and you may want to look at a change. I know vocal coaching is expensive, but a good vocal coach might be a worthwhile investment. I upped my subscription slightly, it’s not much but hopefully it helps buy the erstwhile tea box for soothing. Also this might be preaching to the choir but it’s one of those tips where you don’t know it til you hear it: caffeine is a constrictor. If you drink black tea, coffee or energy drinks, it’s going to tighten whatever it touches, including your throat, and can contribute to throat soreness. I know you’re a programmer so I bet you have the same habit we all have and I’d highly encourage you to look at whether that’s a contributing factor. <3 I believe in you that you can meet your goals of focusing on your health and setting healthy boundaries! I’ve been following your career since I was 16 in the mid 2000’s, I can’t believe how much you’ve grown!

Cassandra Ichniowski

Hi Nicky -- I am very sad to relate so well not just to the challenge of chronic health issues and work, and also desperately trying to find any -- truly, *any* commitment tactic that works. The pandemic intensified that, but also drove me to finally seek proper treatment for ADHD as most of the structure in my life dissolved. One of the takeaways that I'm currently grappling with is examining the emotions underlying the things that interfere with me acting or following through as well as the ones that motivate. Hit enter too soon! The rest of this. I've been looking at how anxiety is a motivator and also an impediment (when your last-minute is too last-minute and prevents action because the anxiety escalates) and then shame. A desire to impress or fear of loss of esteem or opinion can be a motivator, but often in the isolation of the pandemic it could especially paralyze me. And it's happened before. More than that, I hold myself to pretty high standards, so most of my shame comes from disappointing myself -- what I believe and know I am capable of against how my action or lack of action interferes with that, whatever it is. This is why I struggle a bit with the being gentle with oneself. I tend so much to letting myself off the hook or letting me indulge a short term pleasure, but ultimately robbing me of working toward a more challenging but far more desired and worthwhile goal. Thats where the lack of self direction and self imposed structure gets really dicey, and I am presently living a world of self imposing ALL of my structure, a position that is horrible for me. SO I'm trying to change those circumstances, but regardless, I need to figure out how to manage the shame, especially when it turbo charges the anxiety. (My anxiety is what I *have* worked on for the last 15 years, so it's definitely better managed).

Cassandra Ichniowski
>>126328789

A few more thoughts and suggestions on things I’ve tried or learned: 1. If you can find an affordable (and ideally trans-experienced) vocal couch, I second that idea. I did voice lessons for singing in high school, and it taught me a lot about breathing that has also been really useful for anxiety management. Similarly, I find singing one of the most anxiety-reducing activities because of how it requires you to breathe - big deep inhales, long sustained exhales! 1b. I don’t know if you listen to 99 Percent Invisible or Sounds Gay, but as a cis person, I loved this particular episode about Melanie Speaks. You may find some comfort in it. https://99percentinvisible.org/episode/melanie-speaks/transcript/ 2. There may be one or several medical causes to the fatigue. Stress may be exacerbating something there. I learned about two years ago I have POTS, and it’s likely been occurring to some degree since high school. Again I second the symptom journal to start looking at what triggers you have. Diet, sleep, weather, environmental factors, medication side effects, and more can activate unexplained fatigue. It is not always *just stress* and don't let a doctor dismiss you. 3. A rethink on what a mindful practice means and looks like. This one I’ll elaborate on more a bit because I found it very eye-opening. I’ve done a good bit of mindfulness based stress reduction therapies and yoga. They are very helpful tools. I’ve found the neutrality of mindfulness somewhat frustrating, though. It is useful in a panic, but as a maintenance I struggled. Then in working with a somatic therapist, I did an exercise engaging with an object - any object - with my hands for a couple minutes in the pursuit of pleasure or pleasantness. Just stay with the sensation and feeling itself, and try to avoid *thinking about the sensation. The act of changing from pursuit of neutrality to looking for pleasant engaged my brain to be curious, while a seeking touch and interaction gave it an active modality. It let my brain be more engaged in a sensation that put me in the present moment, and by closing my eyes (not required,) I found I stopped relying on my usual processing pathways. It’s been a far more utilized tool than any of the STOP interventions or traditional mind-body and CBT, because it’s nice. Plus I realized how much cool shit I was missing by not really engaging with touch more. It’s done far more for getting me in the present and being happy to stay there. Best of luck on the new year focus. I'll be right there with you, trying to figure it out.

Chris K

Yay. We survived another revolution around the sun! While you might not consider this here content, I am quite happy to receive it. And thus you created multiple things last year. I witnessed your punishment. I guess, now that you know how bad it is, it might serve as a better motivation for the next time - should the need arise. Having said that: there are some tasks or situations that cannot be unlocked by any reward or punishment. If you keep escalating this you might quickly end up with things that you or I will truly regret. No idea how to go forward from there. I have let go of a lot of things in my life, being unable to motivate myself. It has at least reduced the stress in that moment. Cannot say I was happy to do it tho. If you mind sharing, I'd be curious if Robert Miles is one of the experts on AI-safety you work with. I like him very much. He puts a fun touch on the apocalypse! Yeah! I saw the Veritasium vid and commented a link to your explainer. Do you have stats on the server? Did they go up? Cheers! Chris :)

ncase
>>126241672

Re: self-bullying, ok yeah you're probably right. (My thought process behind it: I heard anecdotally that monetary pre-commitments worked well, e.g. do X or give $1000 to politician you hate, I was thinking self-embarrassment might work as well.) I was recently reminded of a tweet by comedian Jonny Sun: "i wish i were kinder to myself. i suck so bad at it. i'm such a big stupid idiot who cant do anything right."

ncase
>>126279955

Re: being mean to myself, I was recently reminded of a tweet by comedian Jonny Sun: "i wish i were kinder to myself. i suck so bad at it. i'm such a big stupid idiot who cant do anything right."

ncase
>>126322350

Thanks Jessie! I just downloaded Daylio, will give it a shot for a few days. 👍 Re: throat strain, I actually went caffeine-free several years ago! (maybe a matcha once per month) But yeah I definitely get into a vocal strain vicious cycle, where I'm straining it *more* because I don't like how it sounds, but it sounds bad *because* I'm straining it -- and even though I *consciously know* this is the loop, somehow consciously knowing a thing doesn't stop my automatic subconscious from doing it. :/

ncase
>>126328789

Thank you so much for sharing all this, Cassandra! I hadn't even heard of Melanie Speaks before; I'll give this episode a listen!

ncase
>>126369478

I'm not in touch with Robert Miles! (yet?) And I don't have any analytics on my explorables 😬 Partly because I didn't want to help Google track folks + I was too lazy to install open-source analytics + I know I get obsessed about Number Go Up, so I just... didn't add analytics.

Rev Storm
>>126279955

I feel that, but remember how important it is to let yourself heal! You can't properly beat yourself up if you don't even have the energy to throw a punch.

Hood

Wait so you’re posting all the stuff from patreon to ko-fi and vise versa?

ncase
>>127038180

Yes; all *future* update posts will be mirrored for both Ko-Fi supporters and Patreon supporters! (Patreon-the-platform has been steadily deteriorating for years, so I'm making sure my eggs aren't all in one basket.)

Daxia

I feel very sorry for you to do the punishment. I have maken donation for maybe half year, but stopped it last month. But when I read your lastest updates, I do the donation for comments. I just want to tell you that please do good to yourself, you are really a good person. It's quite obvious that when do some big project, we can't predict when we will finish it. The time commitment is just a estimation, that somehow need delay. We all know it. SO PLEASE DON'T DO HARM TO YOURSELF. WE LOVE YOU INDEED. And we know your spirit. It's OK. (my poor English)

Robin

NOOO I'm not going to watch your video! This doesn't benefit anyone! Please don't make yourself suffer. While punitive justice may be effective at some things (see e.g. Girard's writing on scapegoating), it isn't really effective at motivating improvement! For many reasons, not the least of which is that impending punishment forces a fear response which, as anyone with any anxiety knows, makes clear thought difficult and tends to trigger fight or flight or freeze responses. We would all rather see you say something like "I will do this by this date and if I fail I will make myself a big cup of tea and write a pageful of reflections on how I might simplify, work more sustainably, and execute better in the future"! ❤️ Cheering you on!