Side Story - Do Me A Xianxia (Patreon)

It was one of those weeks when he and Tiamat had decided to leave the Underworld and go out and explore the multiverse. They often visited other realms and realities, and, as tourists were wont to do, they partook in the local sights and delicacies.

In this particular instance, he and Tiamat were sitting in a restaurant eating fried spirit rice while sharing a plate of braised ribs from a level-three Purple Thunder Ox. He had no idea what any of that meant, but he knew that it was delicious. However, he couldn’t help but notice that nearly all the other customers were staring at Tiamat - which didn’t really surprise him, because this always happened whenever they were in public. His Dragon King was simply that damn beautiful.

Unfortunately, as he had suspected would happen, trouble came sauntering through the doors of the restaurant.

A group of young men wearing ostentatious robes walked up to their table, all of them wearing swords. Ichigo eyed them from the corner of his vision. Their apparent leader - who had long black hair tied high in a ponytail and held an ornate paper fan - could not keep his eyes off Tiamat. The lecherous gaze sparked a jealous fury in Ichigo, but he kept his mouth shut and continued to eat.

“Young Master,” one of the young men said to their leader with the fan, “see? It is as I said! There’s a fairy dining at this establishment! Surely only someone of your status deserves to have such a beauty at his side!”

The ‘Young Master’ smiled widely, obviously pleased by his lackey’s words.

“Good, good, good!” he laughed.

And Ichigo couldn’t help but wonder why he said it like that three times.

“Woman!” he continued. “Rejoice! I have decided you will be my concubine from now on!”

However, Tiamat didn’t even so much as blink in response to the sudden, and rather absurd, demand. In fact, given how immersed she was with her meal, Ichigo was quite positive she wasn’t even aware of the presence of the young men. He wagered that, from her perspective, it was no different than ants crawling around the table.

As the seconds ticked by, the arrogant young man’s expression became ugly, and he looked on with much discontent. Beside him, the same sycophant began to rage.

“Woman, did you not hear?! Young Master Li Rong intends to take you as a concubine! This is the honor of a thousand lifetimes for you!”

Again, Tiamat did not respond, and he began to sense the growing ire of the group of nonsensical teenagers. Which was nothing compared to his own growing murderous rage. But because they were in a different world, and because he didn’t want to ruin this unbelievably scrumptious meal, Ichigo held himself back.

Instead, he put his chopsticks down and flicked a finger in the direction of this so-called Young Master. A minuscule amount of psychic energy struck the teenager in the face, broke his nose and most of the bones in his face, and sent him flying with such force that he hit and cracked the wall on the other side of the restaurant.

There was an outbreak of murmurs from the other customers, and Ichigo let out a tired sigh. His gaze then swiveled over the sea of heads until he found the waiter and loudly said, “I’m so sorry about that. I can pay for the damages.”

The waiter just gave him an awkward smile and bowed politely.

“You dare! That was the Young Master of the Li family! One of the four great families of this Bright Wall City!” one of the sycophants yelled. However, before they could say another word, Ichigo waved his hand, and they all suffered the same fate as their ringleader.

And, just like before, Ichigo turned to the waiter with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I’ll pay for that too.”

And as Ichigo turned back toward his meal, he realized with much horror that Tiamat had taken advantage of his momentary distraction and placed the remaining braised ox on her own plate.

“Dammit, beautiful,” he muttered, and she smirked even as she kept her eyes glued to her meal. Several minutes then passed, and the waiter came with another dish.

“Dear customer, here is the roasted level-two Moonshadow Duck you ordered. Please enjoy.”

Tiamat’s eyes immediately lit up, but Ichigo instantly moved to intercept her and quickly divided the duck into equal halves for both of them.

As Ichigo bit into the crispy skin and juicy dark meat of the breast, he let out a small groan of joy. It was the perfect blend of aromatic spices and salty, savory flavor. Fuck, this was amazing. He’d have to mark this dimension down for the future.

A good ten minutes passed as the two of them continued to enjoy their meal in peace, and Ichigo couldn't help but wonder what other delicious foods existed in this dimension. But then suddenly the doors to the establishment burst open, and the same teenage boys were back, sporting bandages on their faces. And this time they were also accompanied by several armored men carrying sabers and a tall, bearded man who wore even more opulent robes than the teenagers. He searched through the crowd, and as his eyes landed on Tiamat, that identical lecherous expression came over him.

Ichigo ground his teeth as his jealous rage started overtaking him, but he kept repeatedly telling himself that the food took precedence over wanton murder and carnage.

The tall, bearded man strode to their table, and as his eyes fell on Ichigo, he sneered in contempt.

“Hmph! Young friend, I am Li Wang, Patriarch of the Great Li Clan! I hear you struck my son!”

Ichigo gave him a flat look. “Yeah, and he’s lucky that’s all I did after what he said to my girl.”

The man’s nostrils flared. “Possessing a jade treasure is a crime!” And then he turned toward Tiamat, his expression becoming fawning. “Fairy! This country bumpkin is not worthy of you! I am at the eighth layer of Foundation Establishment and will break through to the next realm before the decade’s end! I invite you to return to the Li Clan with me! I will build you your own palace and make you the most honored woman in the entire city!”

“What!” the fan-holding asshole whose name Ichigo had already forgotten cried. “But Father, she was to be my concubine!”

The boy’s father swept the sleeves of his robes dismissively. “Hah! You think you’re worthy? Once we return to the family compound, lock yourself in isolated training for three months!”

The bearded man then turned to Ichigo. “As for you - a country bumpkin who doesn’t know his place! Crawl out of this establishment on your hands and knees, and then I’ll spare your dog life!”

Ichigo gave him an incredulous look. “Dude, go fuck yourself.”

The man looked shocked before his expression morphed into one of rage. “You dare! Courting death!”

And as he went for the saber at his side, as too did his armored entourage, Ichigo flicked his hand once more, sending a blast of power, but this time carrying just an extra bit of Demonic energy. The man, his son and all their cronies were hit with his concussive blast and sent flying so hard they crashed through the opposite wall.

“Oh shit,” Ichigo mumbled. He then turned toward the waiter and gave an apologetic smile. “I, uh - I’ll pay for that too.”

The waiter merely gave an awkward bow.

Shaking his head, Ichigo returned his attention to his meal… only to find his plate without a duck leg while Tiamat’s own plate suddenly had two. He gave her a glare and angrily muttered, “Are you serious?”

But she smirked smugly once more, and Ichigo could only sigh in defeat… who told him to be so soft on the women he loved?

As they continued to enjoy their meal, the waiter came again with another dish; a steaming plate filled with a soft, golden-brown seared whole fish. “Honored guests, this is our special for the day, One-Hundred-Year-Old Scarlet Carp, seared and then baked with fresh spirit herbs from our own private gardens.”

Once again, Ichigo quickly intercepted his gluttonous Dragon King and split the fish equally between them. And as Ichigo bit into it, he let out another contented hum. The skin was perfectly cooked and gave the perfect salty and crispy texture to balance against the delicate white flesh that held a mildly sweet but rich umami flavor.

Oh yeah… this was the stuff. Maybe he should conquer this dimension? He really wasn’t fond of the whole Dark Lord schtick that Grayfia was always getting on him for, but if this kind of cuisine was the payoff? Fuck it, he could totally pull off the whole invading and conquering Demon King angle.

As delightfully delicious moments ticked by, their meal was once again rudely interrupted, but instead of the front door, the entire ceiling of the establishment was ripped away. Tiamat, for the first time since sitting down, did something other than eat - she immediately cast a barrier over them to shield their food from the falling debris and dust. Which Ichigo wholly agreed with.

The food being contaminated would have been a complete travesty.

Nonetheless, Ichigo looked at the sky and saw two men floating in the air. One was the same bearded asshole whom he had blasted away not too long ago, and the other new face was also a bearded asshole. However, his beard was much longer and starkly white.

The old man stroked his beard appreciatively as he looked at Tiamat. “So this is the fairy you are clamoring about? Good, good, good.”

Ichigo frowned; again, why did he have to say it like that three times?

The old man laughed and said, “I could use a maid to serve at my side!”

“What!” the younger bearded asshole cried. “But Ancestor, I was going to make her my wife!”

The old man suddenly got angry and pointed at the other. “Scoundrel! Aren’t you ashamed of taking a wife at your age? You already have six! You, the Patriarch of the Great Li Clan, running amok and causing a ruckus over a mere woman! Are you trying to lose face for my Li family?”

The younger bearded asshole immediately deflated and said, “No, Ancestor. Forgive your unfilial descendant.”

“Hmph!” The old man then turned to look back down, and a sinister light entered his eyes as he looked at Ichigo. “A nameless junior dares to make noise in my Bright Wall City! Courting death! Cripple your cultivation and kowtow nine times to your grandpa! Maybe then I’ll give you a painless death!”

Ichigo’s mouth fell open for a whole second before the last of his patience snapped. “You know what? Fuck this!”

He then pointed up with a lone finger and unleashed a massive Cero that dyed the whole sky red, incinerating both bearded assholes instantly. And then, to no one in particular, he yelled, “I’m not paying for that! I didn’t do it this time!”

Shaking his head, he returned to his meal only to find half his fish missing.

“Oh, come on!”

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A/N: Just some late night fun.