Rachel Dashae x Torre Croyle (Patreon)

Hello Hello!

I leave for my trip Thursday morning bright and early.

First stop, staying with my parents for a week and seeing friends in VA. I should have plenty of time to update my patreon while I'm the road, so don't fret! Haha. 

I have everything packed, lots of cities booked, and I'm very excited. 

I am also extremely nervous, haha. This is going to be super gross, and personal, and maybe even a little stupid. 

I realize I am extremely lucky to do what I do for a living. I feel privileged, and very loved. I have always wanted to travel the world, experience new things, and I don't even mind being on my own. 

But traveling on your own is very hard. It is lonely. You get afraid the life you built for yourself won't be the same when you get back. And sometimes it's not. I put this trip together honestly in every intention for Torre. I wanted him to travel more with me, and see the things he would like to see. He can't see everything sadly, so I try to piece it together for him so he can come once or twice a month and see the beauty that I love to see. 

I am extremely lucky I have him to do those things with. Not everyone gets that privilege. I try to be optimistic, open minded, and not selfish when it comes to the time he can give to me when I want to travel. He is the most supportive person I've ever had in my life. The reality is though, I am alone in so much of my journeys. 

So the distance scares me, the short visits scare me. The having to only rely on phone calls really really really frightens me. And not to sound like a martyr, this is what I sacrifice for art. For freedom, for the love of the wild, for what I feel like is best for me to stay sane when I ultimately have to sit still for a while. 

When I read the words of old mountaineers and Native American tribal leaders who still live near these remote places, they are my reality. Nature is my religion. 

Seeing stars at the top of a mountain, so crisp and shiny, you feel like you could pluck one from their beautiful blue and purple bowl is the closest thing I've felt to "God" speaking to me. 

And maybe people have these experiences alone. It enlightens me, awakens me, makes me feel more like the wild little lost soul I know I am. It still makes me feel disheartened to know, I have to be alone. I don't have much choice in the matter it feels like. 

I'm not trying to whine though. Just writing out little girl fears onto the internet, haha. I am very #blessed haha. You guys help me feel that way. 

But Torre and I have been creating a lot lately, and I hope we create more on our short bursts together over the next 3 months. I am very excited for my adventure. Here's a new and beautiful set, shot by Torre Croyle, in our home, which I will miss with it's messes, cats, and fights over the thermostat haha. \

p.s - I felt the need to add this, haha. I did not have these feelings until literally yesterday. They have all crept on me. The reality of having done this before, and coming back, and feeling your world has toppled over is something I am totally projecting onto a new situation, haha. 

Also, Torre and I started dating in the absolute middle of my last long tour. We know the ropes, we know exactly what to do, and we built a foundation with me zipping across the US. Even when you have nothing to fear, your own insecurities of how YOU might feel still get the best of you I suppose.