it was just a quick update and then i started typing everything i couldn't tweet (Patreon)

1. i am finishing a short story about a girl with a rose fetish

2. i'm nursing a 'hyperfixation' about...something....i don't want to explain it yet. all i do these days is dumb self-psychoanalysis and ask why why why like a lagging alphabet so i thought it would be fun to document the fixation as it unfolds for reasons of data collection and the fun of mind-spelunking, to see what comes up. my intentionality here feels funny and surreal, like i'm waking up in a dream. this particular fixation is notable because it's limerant and to do with someone who is not real which is something i haven't experienced since i was fourteen, maybe again when i was twenty-one, jury's out. i really thought i would grow out of this. i don't mean that judgementally. it is just what i thought. anyway i've been writing and thinking about that too. it gets pretty weird once it's all in pieces. i'll report back

3. i'm still gathering my thoughts about my videos and what's next...i have some ideas thanks to

4. tavi gevinson's zine fan fiction. i'm up late writing this update because reading it juiced me with so much adrenaline that i can't sleep. hoooly fuck. i need time but i'm very energized to talk and think about this more. some context is that i remember being very envious of tavi as a teenager, tavi who was so cool and assured in her power and her genius, getting the prodigy treatment. very rare are instances in my life where i wanted to be someone else; i do remember thinking that i wanted to be tavi. reading this...was...bizarre. i mean it's excellent, to be clear. i wish more people were talking about it

(i fear it will be..misinterpreted)

5. switching gears! fruit talk

6. i know i'm followed by sensitive types who don't fucking eat for one reason or another, so, a new discovery i've made, that feels lasting, that someone might find helpful: if you like me generally tolerate the taste and idea of fruit, but dislike inconsistency in flavor and texture (hard arsenical blueberries, soft banana necrosis), hey – freeze it! freeze it. freeze the fruit. :) it all gets sweeter. no more fear of poison duds. frozen banana has an especially nice texture. doesn't go bad. there's no pressure to want to eat it before it goes bad. it's easy to always have available, and a bag of strawberry slices is a better 'meal' option than nothing, or two packs of birthday cake protein bars. (i know this will sound ludicrous to those of you with healthy habits, but i kind of didn't understand you could freeze fruit, or, indeed, all kinds of foods, until, like, recently! i knew you 'could'. i knew i had a freezer. but what to do with it? it escaped me entirely. the freezer was the place i kept my ice cubes, and sometimes candles nubs stuck in candleholders, to shrink the wax.) i'll keep myself alive if it kills me

7. i deleted all my tweets and archived all my instagram posts except one extremely close-up photo of my face with a caption reading my exact age when i took it, to the second, which was just a guess. re: twitter, immediately i find i'm less motivated to open it without any interactions to check. that feels like something. i'm using instagram stories more...eh

8. writing these...posts...means i crystallize thoughts and feelings i wouldn't have otherwise and so i'm seeing how quickly i disagree with myself, and change my mind, even the way i write...it's not indecisiveness; i don't really return to where i've already been. there's 'momentum'. i don't know what that means. it's exhausting. maybe everyone is like this. i have a fear that i'm never going to want to stop changing my hair. it feels like that. i've never really related to the idea of an 'unstable sense of self'. but then, what's this? endless unfolding

9. i did an interview for trinity dublin's new online venture fledgling which should be live soon (i was featured in the last edition of their student mag icarus – it's a good issue – check it out).

10. i was thinking: probably 90% of what i write never gets read by anyone. i thought that might be interesting to someone. almost everything i make is unrefined ore, play, experimentation, so much slop

11. the flat is coming along really nicely...in this post from october i talked about being especially taken by jules bastien-lepage's joan of arc...well:

now she lives with me

little labyrinth spread there, too

sav