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hello (diary 1.01) (Patreon)

Published:
2024-09-20 20:17:35
Edited:
2024-11-21 10:54:22
Imported:
2024-09

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death-posting

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Indigo

your voice, aswoon

Toby

welcome back holy shit, I missed your poetic ponderings dearly, sending best wishes sav (cover image goes hard as always btw)

Faber

Glad your back, hope you are on the road to recovery and you have a great support system around you <3

Happy Birthday Sophie!

Not listened to everything just yet, but I don't think you give yourself credit for what you do and what you've achieved. I happily buy your books and consume your content because you open up doors in my mind, you give me new thoughts to think, you write such deep experiences so others can feel seen. You didn't just stumble on this, you're a necessity. Your work is like broth for the soul. Now that's a job x

Kira

being in the audio crew has never been so uhm rewarding i laughed. i smiled. i had one or two moments of [empathy(?)recognition(?)epiphany(?)], and a surprising amount of secondhand wanderlust good to hear from you, internet girl <3 /platonic

Skellytoon

It's strange at times, the places you find yourself when life decides to serve up it's latest batch of coincidences. Opening my email to see at the top of thousands of unread and unanswered messages one I knew I would open before I had even gotten to the subject line. Clicking a link and hearing a voice that once helped pull me out of my deepest, darkest paralysis discuss struggles that seemed much the same as those I had been having. The mounting stress, and the ways that the brain seemingly is at war with both itself and the body, paralyzed and yet screaming at itself to do more, more, MORE. The ever-present feeling that despite your success existing on paper it feels unearned and undeserved for no reason other than that it isn't what you feel people expect of you. Knowing intimately the feeling of ripping off a mask that has become so fused to your face that it's all you know of yourself, and what lies underneath seems foreign and frightening in the unknown. Spending time in the unknown, forcing yourself into something foreign because you know it is right. Hearing those you know tell you how much fun you must be having while they remain so thoroughly separated from the stress, buzzing like a powerline, that underlines every interaction in a place you feel you do not belong and therefore must atone for the sins of past tourists, whatever they were. Mercifully in my case there was no worry of advances, the only stranger I was staying with was one I loved and someone I had convinced myself loved me too. Perhaps they once believed they loved me too. That of course brings it's own set of winding paths to uncover. Learning how to live with another person is hard enough as it is, worrying that they will suddenly hate you for something as small as the way you eat, or how you bite your nails when you're stressed. It would have been difficult no matter what, but perhaps what made me the most unsettled was the cognizant knowledge that no matter how much I wanted to be independent, to do some small gestures for them, I was woefully unable to, fully reliant on them at every turn. Unable to speak the language buying ingredients to make dinner for them was a fumbling mess of google translate and desperation to find some ingredients I might have recognized. Unsure of the local cuisine going out to eat was a nightmare experience of not knowing what I would get and constantly fearing I wouldn't like it and would force myself to finish it nonetheless for fear that leaving any uneaten would be rude. Then I left and it was over. All that was left was the feeling of heartache, of having lost something dear to me. I hate that feeling so much. I hate seeing something that reminds me of them and instinctively going to share it, only to realize I have no one to share it with. I hate being afraid to be left alone in my thoughts, because I know they will inevitably and invariably wander back to them, back to all the things I miss, all the comfort now gone. The way they stuck their tongue out when they felt awkward, the way they used to ask me to talk them to sleep at night, the clips they used to send when I was at work, asking for praise or for advice. I miss the way I was when I was around them, they made me gentler, softer around the edges. The way my voice changed only when I spoke to them. It feels like I left my heart behind when I left. Felt it unravel like a sweater, pulled apart in ribbons as I flew thousands of kilometers away. Back to America, back to my family, back to a place I must call home despite having never felt more at home than I did with them in my arms. They warned me that loving them was dangerous, that they were going to hurt me, that their relationships rarely ever ended well. But I loved them anyway; I impaled myself on them, and I let myself get torn apart. I know that with time the pain will fade. That day by day they will go from the first thing that I think of when I wake up to the second, then the third, and eventually there will come a time when I can look back on things without that pain, time healing even the deepest scars on the heart. But it’s hard I think, to give up on love, far harder for me than to fall in love, because falling in love is realizing that the person in front of you is someone you would give the world to, and giving up on love is acknowledging the fact that even if you could they no longer want or need it. Part of me wants to take the time to write, rewrite, delete, then go back and write this all over again, but I think there's something to be said about just leaving the words be, imperfect as they are, so that the emotions can lay, raw, spread out for all to see with no filter. I could go on for hours about my own experiences with masking, with trauma, with police, both good and bad, but the urge to ensure that I say things in exactly the right way conflicts with the knowledge that no matter what I say I will never truly be able to convey the exact feelings, never be able to make someone who has never experienced those emotions truly understand them, and that those who have experienced them will know without me having to say anything at all.

Yura

audio crew checking in I'm always left with a great sense of familiarity after your words, and especially today, as I have just returned from a greece trip, with monastiraki, acropolis, swimming, and all no hostel though, maybe next time

Mayswan

The most scary and beautiful thing is how intimate this feels. Glad to hear you are well.

Krzysztof Bujalski

Audio crew. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. You say words that resonate so much because of the familiarity of experience they carry. The seemingly endless cycle of wanting and not being able to, the excruitiating pain, the full bladder, the eating whatever is available. A fellow consciousness driving a meat robot, on a peace of rock in the sea of the cosmos.

stef

It is incredibly lovely that you are back And audio crew we are so back

Drew Sinclair

The need is mutual, even only having discovered you today.

savannah brown

can't tell you how much i appreciate this. working on seeing myself clearly. thank you, thank you.

C oire

Fantastic

haz

your work is so valuable to everyone here (and many elsewhere!). i hope your brain fog lifts soon - one of my most despised symptoms. bleh really nice to hear from you and this little community again. all the lovely qualities of the people here are reflections of yourself, I think. all the best to you and bug :)

averycoolman

Need more of these! (no rush though lol) The writing is so vivid I love it! P.S. The Lizzie McGuire line got me 😂

Lenz

I believe you have a job much more real than private accountants, company consultants, whatever. I‘m sad to hear about the 3 people not being able to stop in their delusions. I have no idea how one could deal with it in a „good“ way. I commend you for talking about it and hope you find a way to deal with it that works for you. I’m positive it will come with time ps: Through you and your platform I have found a wonderful person that I have become great friends with. Thank you for that and thank you for your poetry <3 pps: Eduardo so untactful

squidcake

collapsed after classes and let this story fly the plane for a while, as usual enlightenment was appropriately embarked on. absolute joy to hear these words as always, cheers

Jackalop3

imposter syndrome is one hell of a drug. But please don’t let this consume you. i stumbled upon your work on a random night absently scrolling through youtube and after feverishly consuming all things savannah brown, i’ve come back changed for the best. the poetry and words you craft left me understanding that there are other people out there who understand the subtly of life. when you stopped posting ill admit i was concerned but im so so so glad you’re back. while i am pacing back and forth waiting for more content please take every last moment to enjoy your own life and really live, im sorry there are people out there that veer heavily into a paradoxical relationship and while unfortunately there will always be those people please don’t let it sour the community you’ve built, we all very much love your work and the person behind the camera in all your multifaceted layers of humanity. i hope you and bug only the best and thank you for the work you’ve made <3

Toby

like how in the fuck are you this good, this isn't even fair

Mayswan

highly suggest checking out "waking life" if you haven't. it's a movie.

Konulv

I'm not good with words, especially the ones that reach people. My approach is very logical, very devoid of emotion, very soulless. I'm less of a human as I am a broken machine. Which is why you have my, and most definitely many other peoples support. Because you can do what I cant, and for that you have my indefinite respect. From my perspective, what you do is so much harder and more important than a "real job". And I'm half certain nothing I'll say will reach you, but please do believe me, I mean everything I say with the core of my being: I need you just as much, but the only thing I can do is just hope whats best for you, however that looks. The world would be a lot sadder without art, so please take care of yourself

Mayswan

I feel like it's ironic that the more individuated we become, the more we long to share our uniqueness and the less we are able to do so. The internet has remedied this slightly. It lets you find others like you, which breeds hope and torment. It has enabled the formation of global communities and access to sub-cultures and niche communities. Perhaps in moderation the internet can be humanized. Im very pessimaxed about others. I cant tell if im just piercing the veil or if it's cause i witness me and i can't witness you. I like solitude. I like very few people. I like good food and money and health. That way, you at least spare yourself from the parasites, the doomed, the unsympathetic, the psychopaths, and the overlaps.

savannah brown

this is not the comment of a broken machine. thank you for taking the time to say this ⚘

James R

There’s so much delicate and interesting stuff here, topped off perfectly with: “the third morning, I finally shit. nice!” We’re so goddamn back.

Mayswan

I feel her authenticity

Culainn

I'm studying English at university, and for one of my projects I've been given the opportunity to write about a contemporary text of my choosing. As such, I jumped at the chance to write about a work of yours, Closer Baby Closer. Your writing and videos have connected with me on an emotional level that I rarely find with much else, so I'm overjoyed to be able to write about it in an academic setting. I attribute so much of my growth as a writer and a thinker to my experiences with your work and the trains of thought that they have kickstarted within me, which I am endlessly thankful to you for. Be sure to take care of yourself Savannah, I wait with bated breath to see what it is that you'll create next. All I'm certain of is that it will be incredible.

Shrey Bosamia

hmmm.... I am parallel to you, Love you lots and you help me so much, thanks! I'll comment a little less to make you more comfortable :) I'm just happy to be hearing your voice, I'm content with the feeling you give me, sometimes sadness, sometimes happy, but both are good because it's you. I'm also reading from up-down so this is only my 3rd diary (ummmmm. Mee trying to defend myself).

Hayden Hoff

Best monthly subscription I’ve ever picked up, I deeply admire your outlook on life and once I get in a stable position (where I’m not killing my body just to get by) I hope to support your message more. You’ve help me build some of my most important structures in my life as someone who thinks he’s autistic and I’ve even found myself in a position where I may pursue love for the first time which is super exciting with all the preparations and development of simply taking care of my self (Thanks pre-trip checklist which may or may not have helped me build routines) but I rejoice. Hope you take care!