Morning Mantra. MMM3 (videos) (Patreon)

Today I want to share with you that my life has been a bit of a disaster.

The first thing I did was choral singing, but I had to quit because in synchronized swimming they told me I had to choose between singing and synchronized swimming, and I finally chose synchronized swimming. I was selected to go to Blume and then to the High Performance Center (CAR), but I had a really hard time during those last four years. I ended up injuring my shoulder, and with the support of my mother we decided I couldn’t go on anymore. And one day, one April day, I disappeared… and they never heard from me again.

From then on, I fell into a deep depression, and my mother told me I had to start exercising again because, of course, going from training 14 hours a day to doing nothing was impossible. She told me about a ballet academy where I could go, where she had already taken classes. When I went there and took classes with a teacher, I ended up in the next room where I saw a Russian teacher giving ballet classes. I told my mother I liked that teacher, and we asked at the academy who she was. She gave me an entrance exam, and seeing my potential, she said she could offer me private lessons to prepare me to dance with a company. Her name was Tatiana.

I did that for a year and a half, but it ended up becoming torture for me. I had the body for synchronized swimming, and the body for ballet is different, the physical expression is different, and so on. Even so, I improved a lot, but I eventually got overwhelmed and ended up quitting. Although I don’t regret taking ballet classes, Tatiana helped me a lot and I wouldn’t be who I am without her.

From there, I started a degree in art and design, but in 2019 I took a trip to Paris that changed my life. From there, my dream of being a model and also a singer began, and I wanted to pick up where I left off, but COVID shattered those dreams, and I ended up creating ClassicNymph… and saying bye bye to my degree.

From that moment on, I dedicated myself completely to searching for art and beauty, and serendipitously I ended up building a “creative vision”. At the beginning, funny enough, it went very well and many people liked what I shared. Even so, I always felt a bit guilty because, yes, it was my “vision”, but I was sharing material from others. That has always created an internal anxiety in me.

In 2022 I decided that I wanted to share something of myself too, my image in ClassicNymph, and from that moment my project was condemned to death and I lost the account for the first time. From there, I went through a very hard psychological period because trying to recover the page was constant anxiety: contacting Meta agents, etc. I lost the page a total of 30 times or more, who knows — I’m not joking — and from there I started creating many alternative accounts, and a kind of chaos began. The chaos kept growing bigger and bigger. Bigger and bigger.

I did some collaborations with a music group for some videoclips — I’m really grateful for that — and occasionally I also had an opportunity to walk for a brand. In the end, because I didn’t have the required height, I guess I failed. And I’m not able to fully fulfill that dream.

In 2024 a girl told me, why not create a Patreon. And I don’t regret it, because thanks to that there is still an archive there called “The Golden Rose” with all the material I shared in ClassicNymph. And thanks to this app I can keep sharing everything I want. Even so, recently it has been creating quite a lot of anxiety because I feel like it sometimes drains me and I don’t know where the limit is.

Thank you to the people who support me there and to the people who continue to support me here. And also thank you for your patience, because I don’t know what’s next. I’m tired.

My dream is to be a professional in a field. Recently I started taking some steps in the acting world, but it’s not being easy for me either. Still, I’m discovering that I love being in front of the camera and exploring different characters. I love to explore myself by being other people, exploring ideas, and having the capacity to live other lives…

Well, about a year ago I recovered ClassicNymph miraculously… and just as it came back, it disappeared again. And this time not only that account, but also my other 20 accounts… I don’t even know anymore.

From there, because of my dad’s pressure, I started studying for my driving license. I passed the theory test, but since losing all those accounts I think I have fallen into a kind of depression, and I don’t feel like I want to do the practical part. Every time I think about it, I feel anxiety.

So… as you can see… since 2019 I’ve been doing things… things that feel like they’ve been swallowed by the abyss.