.:CYB3R:. (and blog post) (Patreon)

Something fun I did as a collaboration with P01D@FA, my metamour!  (That's my partner's partner, if you're not familiar with poly lingo - in this case, CassioBunny's girlfriend of nearly 20 years.)  She did the rough sketch and concept, and I prettied it up, inked, and colored it.  Fun times!  I was totally channeling gutterface@dA's fashion photos from the mid 2000s.

Blog blog!  For those not aware, I've been manic since sometime in December.  I can't recall if I've mentioned it here before or not, but I've been on lithium, which is THE classic mood stabilizer, to control my bipolar for almost 5 years now.  It works great!  The only problem is, unlike most medications which are processed by the liver, lithium is processed by the kidneys.. and back around September, it started being too much for them.  My kidney function took a dive.  So, my psych dropped my dosage.  Better, but still bad.  Dropped it again.  Getting there, but.. Dropped it again.  We're okay now.  I'm still within a therapeutic range of lithium, but with how things have been, I hate to see what I'd be like without it entirely.  I functioned best at the high end of the therapeutic range.  Now I'm at the lowest end.  And I've been manic since that first dosage reduction, and getting steadily worse.  We started transitioning my old antipsychotic, Risperdal, to a new one, Abilify, which has a wider dosage range with fewer side effects.  Right now I'm at a full dose of Abilify and still taking a small dose of Risperdal, and.. still manic.  Welp.

I'm okay during the day - if anything, I'm hyperproductive, if the sudden fountain of art was no indication.  But some time after dark, I start ramping up, until, most nights, by bedtime I'm a jittering, babbling, frantic mess.  I've never had a euphoric full mania.  Hypomania, yes.  But full mania?  Always dysphoric.  Which means that instead of feeling ecstatic, on top of the world, unstoppable, powerful, etc, I feel anxious, jittery, panicky, agitated, irritable, and like I have more energy than I can successfully process (which often leads to increased and intense stimming as I try to shake off the excess, which is concerning to people around me).  I also tend to jump between being unable to focus on anything and hyperfocusing to the exclusion of all else.  My most frequent symptom is 'pressured speech', which is where I feel like I HAVE TO BE TALKING and do so quickly and constantly, which makes having a conversation difficult as I get too impatient to wait for the other person to say their bit.  It comes out in text, too - those of you who have talked to me on IMs these last few months may have noticed me rambling a lot more, typing very quickly, getting impatient when you take longer than usual to respond, etc.  At this point I'm torn between going to the Telegram chats and Discord servers that I know are most active so I can have fast-paced, engaging conversations (which makes me feel better) or avoiding group chats altogether so I don't end up dominating or even killing the room by talking too much and too fast (which makes me feel worse).  It doesn't take much to ramp me up, either - even during the day, when I'm not as much of a mess, having something exciting or anxiety-inducing happen can send me off into upsetting nonsense land.

I've sent my psych a message, as it's getting steadily worse even with the most recent Abilify dosage increase, but she's out of the office until Tuesday.  I don't think it's quite bad enough to warrant calling the emergency psych or, more drastically, hospitalizing myself, but I'm keeping a close eye on things to make sure I'm getting the care I need when I need it.  Cassio has been a dramatic help during these trying times, constantly supportive and understanding, even when my bullshit is upsetting to her (being talked over or feeling ignored bothers her a lot, with her BPD and all).  All my friends have been as supportive as they can, though to be fair, I haven't been talking about this much with anyone.  Getting it all out here helps, I suppose.

Anyway.  That's me lately.  Do you guys have any mental health struggles?  How do you handle them?  Do your coping techniques work well for you?