Midnight Pals: Sssussspicionsss (Patreon)

[mysterious circle of robed figures]Elon Musk: eyyyy i just thinka you should post somethinga besida da transphobia, si?Musk: lika da strega bambino! Musk: da people lova da straga bambino! [chef's kiss]

Rowling: wow elon maybe you're rightRowling: maybe i should take a break from transsphobia to talk about the sssix other booksss that i'm planning to writeRowling: becaussse there are sssix other minoritiesss that have really been pissssing me off lately

Rowling: [counting off on her fingers] sssso my next books are gonna take down the transss, the queersss, the dissabled, young people with blue hair, hoodie ssscum, and fattiessssRowling: they've all had it too good for too long

Rowling: thank you for having this conversssation elonHelen Joyce: oh no! the dark lord is in trouble!Rowling: i'm fineAllison Bailey: elon musk is attacking the dark lord!Rowling: thatss not whatss happeningJesse Singal: mommy needs our help!

Helen Joyce: how dare you speak to the dark lord like that!Joyce: you will regret this day, elon musk!Joyce: we are, even now, just asking questions about your larynx size on mumsnetMusk: mama mia!

Musk: ey whatsa matta for you?Joyce: wow elon that italian accent seems to be suspiciously averaging in the 75 htz range and i'm hearing a lot going below 50Bailey: very suspiciousJulie Bindel: [tape over mouth] mmf!Bailey: that's right julieBailey: you sure said a mouthful!

Joyce: i can't believe that elon musk is actually trans!Joyce: why else would someone get bored listening to a constant, never-ending 24/7 stream of transphobia?Rowling: wow i never thought of it that wayRowling: but you're rightRowling: it is the only logical explanation

Musk: issa notta true! i hata da trans people justa as much as you!Musk: my son, he tella you the same!Musk: [falsetto voice, hiding behind couch] eyyy its me, elon musk jr! my cool dad issa real transphobic! ga ga goo goo! i amma NOT a sock puppet! don't a look back here!!

Rowling: you lied, elon! you and your naturally occurring sssmall gametesss, the mark of a lying AMAB!Rowling: butRowling: if elon was sssecretly transss this whole timeRowling: ANYONE could be ssecretly transssRowling: any one of you could be a traitor!

Rowling: everyone iss ssusspect![camera slowly pans around circle]Jesse Singal:Allison Bailey:Helen Joyce:Julie Bindel:Jed the sled dog from John Carpenter's The Thing (1982):Maya Forstater: