Midnight Pals: Sex guide (Patreon)

Graham Masterton: it may interest you to knowMasterton: that when i'm not writing horrorMasterton: i'm writing sex guidesBarker: oh yeah? how's that work? i thought you were britishMasterton: iMasterton:

Barker: how you gonna write a sex guide when you're british?Masterton: you're britishBarker: ah ha ha oh you got me ha ha ha!Barker: this guy's goodBarker: he's real good!

Edward Lee: bro you write sex guides?Masterton: yup! Masterton: like 'Mr and Mrs. Erotic Briton'Masterton: and 'Tepid Sex Teatime Soiree'Lee: bro

Lee: bro i'm trying to get my buddy howard laidLee: you got any advice bro?Masterton: let me see the clientLovecraft:Masterton: ahMasterton: no i don't

Lee: bro c'mon broLee: help my bro out here man he's dyingMasterton: ok um wellMasterton: ok first you need to woo the ladyMasterton: try buying her some chocolatesLovecraft: [sweats] oh i can't do that

Lovecraft: I've heard chocolate's from BelgiumMasterton:Lee: oh i shoulda mentioned thatLee: my bro here is racist against BelgiansMasterton: yeah no that's right and properMasterton: fuck Belgium!!!

Masterton: but actually chocolate's not originally from BelgiumMasterton: it's from south AmericaLovecraft: what??? that's even worse!Lee: yeah bro you're not really helping your case bro

Lee: bro c'mon give my bro some advice on how to get a ladyMasterton: well my expert advice isMasterton: Masterton: have you considered just jerking off?Lovecraft: [sweats]

Graham Masterton: listen ladiesMasterton: here's a tip that'll really rive him wild in bedMasterton: next time you're out hiking, pick up a small flat stoneMasterton: and when you're getting in the moodMasterton: surprise him by pressing it against his perineumTabitha King:Sonia Greene:Angela Carter:Masterton: that means his taintTabitha King: oh! his taint! well, of course

Masterton: they love me in Poland!Masterton: see, they erected this statue of me as a dwarfBarker: oh yeah they gave you the Keebler elf hat and everythingMasterton: it's not a Keebler elf hat!Masterton: it's a dwarf hat!Masterton: there's a difference!

Poe: why are you a dwarf?Masterton: you know, becauseMasterton:Masterton: look, it's becauseMasterton: look, dwarves are very important to the polish people, okay?Masterton: they're, like, really big in their culture!Masterton: really big!Masterton: not literally, tho

Barker: yeah for real, why are they putting up statues of you in PolandPoe: it's probably like when they put up that statue of me in bostonBarker: i thought you were from BaltimorePoe: yeah but i did visit boston onceBarker:Barker: yeah ok sure that counts