Midnight Pals: No tweets (Patreon)

[at JK Rowling's Scottish castle] JK Rowling: Ha ha! Look at me! I'm possting on the internet! Rowling: "esstrogen turns normal men into rampaging ape beastss!" agent: joanne! stop! agent: you're posting too close to the sun! Rowling: "Gamer ssockss are AGP!"

Rowling: ha ha no one can ssstop me! Rowling: I'm JK fuckin' Rowling! Rowling: I'm a beautiful animal!! Rowling: watch this, i'm gonna poke imane khelif with thisss ssstick agent: joanne! no! Rowling: don't worry, itss a really long ssstick Rowling: i'll be fine!

Rowling: [poking imane khelif with stick] ha ha you like that, you liminal creature? you congenital eunuch? ha ha what are you gonna do about it? Khelif: that's it! Khelif: you've woke the dragon, now prepare to feel her breath!

Rowling: ha ha what're you gonna do? hit me with your massssive tessstosterone fissstss? Khelif: you and me, rowling! three rounds! sudden death match in the arena... Rowling: haha Khelif: the arena of the legal system! Rowling: Rowling: uh oh

Khelif: i'm taking you to court Rowling: Rowling: Rowling: [sweats] wayon jennings narrative voice: now ol' joanne's got herself in a heap o' trouble. how's that dang ol' snake gonna slither her way outta this mess?

JK Rowling: [shoving documents into a shredder] quick! ssshred it all!! shred fucking everything! Julie Bindel: but dark lord what should we tell your followers?! Bindel: they'll be expecting some patented jk rowling hot takes! Rowling: i don't know, jusst sstall them!!!

[mysterious circle of robed figures] Bindel: i've called this meeting to come up w a reason why the dark lord isn't tweeting Kathleen Stock: maybe we can say she's getting her castle fumigated? Bindel: no we used that when she posted the 'no toilets in hogwarts' tweet

Jesse Singal: oo! oo! i've got one! Singal: what if we say that 'having achieved all of her goals and ambitions, she has decided to retire forever' Bindel: no no that won't work Stock: could we just say that she's brumating?

Kathleen Stock: wait! what if we said she's on vacation? Bindel: hmm i like it! Stock: we could even embellish it with plausible details for additional verisimilitude! Bindel: like that she's... eating vodka-infused candy floss! Stock: exactly! that's very believable!

[midnight society] Barker: interesting, joanne hasn't tweeted in like 2 weeks Barker: seems kind of unusual King: oh i'm sure it's nothing Barker: looks like she's actually deleting tweets King: oh King: huh King: i wonder what that's all about?

Julie Bindel: [rising from bushes] ACTUALLY Jk rowling is actually on a jolly vacation right now so that's why she's not tweeting Bindel: it has nothing to do with any lawsuit! it's totally legit! King: where's she vacationing? Bindel: she's visiting her girlfriend in canada

Bindel: see, i have this postcard right here that she sent saying that she's having a great time on her vacation in vacationia and she's too busy to tweet! Barker: hey can i see that postcard? Bindel: um Bindel: no

Bindel: joanne says that she's having too much fun eating vodka-infused candy floss to be transphobic right now King: wow! i don't think i've ever seen her have THAT much fun before! King: this vodka-infused candy floss must be lit!

Barker: so you're telling me Barker: that jk rowling is right now drunk on vodka-infused candy floss Barker: a product which i am definitely sure exists and is real Barker: and being drunk has made her less vocally transphobic? Bindel: Bindel: [sweats] yes