Midnight Pals: Tough on Cosmic Horror (Patreon)

Laird Barron: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the story of eldritch forces beyond mortal kenLovecraft: oh this is my favorite kind of story!Barron: of course the protagonist is a big tough manly man's manLovecraft: what

Barron: this guy is a real rough and tumble fellaBarron: loves beer and broads and bowlingBarron: shoots gunsBarron: drives a real cool car real fastBarron: was one of teddy Roosevelt's rough riders

Barron: this guy is a real macho dudeBarron: this guy eats lightning and shits testosteroneLovecraft: i can't relate to any of this

Barron: and his name is Ramsey Graham Tananarive Moreno-GarciaBarron: Oates Hendrix Vandermeer Blatty uhBarron: Bloch

Barron: he's out doing manly things with his friend Bram Broadus Matheson "R.L." Keene LansdaleBarron: and his other friend Koji Carlton Saul Machen SanGiovanni McCammon KoontzKoontz: hey! my name's Koontz too!Barron: that's not a coincidence, boyKoontz: whooooaaa!Lovecraft: um excuse me?Lovecraft: Laird?Lovecraft: i believe you misspoke?Lovecraft: when you said buff man's manLovecraft: surely you meant to say reedy academic?Barron: noBarron: no i did not

Barron: look, i think we can all agreeBarron: the nerds have run cosmic horror for too longBarron: so i sayBarron: [tearing shirt to reveal a second shirt with a NO SMOKING sign over a nerd]

Barron: no nerds!Lovecraft: b-butLovecraft: you can't have cosmic horror without reedy academics who faint constantly!Mary Shelley: now this guyShelley: this guy, i like!

Barron: and guess what else?Barron: this guy wrestles gorillas... and wins!King: and wins?!?King: wow! this guy sounds super tough!Poe: that is pretty toughKing: boy! i'll bet if anyone is able to stare into the cosmic void and NOT go insane, it would be this guy!King: i would bet money on that!Barron: well, i got some bad news for you steve

Barron: this guy might seems pretty toughBarron: but even this super tough guy can't look into the cosmic void and come away unscathedKing: whoa!Mary Shelley: ok back up there lairdShelley: exactly HOW tough is this guy?Shelley: cuz i think i could do it

Barron: actually, mary, it turns out that no amount of toughness can prepare you for the cosmic voidBarron: not even Ramsey Graham Tananarive Moreno-Garcia Oates Hendrix Vandermeer Blatty Bloch could do itShelley: Rip to that guy but i'm different

Shelley: now if some cosmic void tried to make me go insaneShelley: [brandishing shiv] i'd just stab itShelley: right in its unknowable mystery!

Barron: sorry, mary, but no knife can save you from the cosmic voidShelley: my knife's differentBarron:Barron: what's different about itShelley: its ownerShelley: that means MEBarron:Shelley: bam! right in the unknowable mystery!

Lovecraft: laird's right! it's not about stabbing!Lovecraft: it's about mental fortitude!Lovecraft: the mental fortitude only possessed by reedy academics of an Anglo-Saxon persuasion!Shelley: ugh we're back to this nerd shit

Koontz: what about William hope Hodgson? he's REALLY tough!Koontz: he's like the toughest guy we know!Barron: William hope Hodgson?Hodgson: [swallowing 4 dozen eggs] you say my name, pipsqueak?

Koontz: there's no one as burly or brawny!William Hope Hodgson: as you see, I've got biceps to spare!Koontz: not an inch of him's scraggly or scrawny!Hodgson: and every last inch of me's covered in HAIR!