Midnight Pals: Coffee (Patreon)

[at unicorn fuck club]JRR Tolkien: ugh everyday the news is worse and worse!Tolkien: it seems that certain hunnish practices have taken root in AmericaCS Lewis: oh that sounds badTolkien: quite!

CS Lewis: look i know times are bad jrrtLewis: maybe this will cheer you upLewis: travis baldree is going to be telling his latest story of low stakes and cozy vibesTravis Baldree: i call it Kelpies and Kitchen Implements

Baldree: so this is a story about an orc who decides to retire from the murder business and use the money that she made in the murder business to open a coffee shopBaldree: i know that kind of raises a couple questions right thereBaldree: let's just breeze past that

Baldree: cuz, god, the daily grind of adventuring really gets you downBaldree: everyday, you're just slaving away slaying dragons and finding treasureBaldree: God! i'm so BORED of all this peril and excitement!Baldree: i would trade it all for some nice invigorating tedium

Baldree: that's why i decided to open this coffee shopBaldree: [inhaling aroma from freshly brewed coffee] hmm! love that distinctly coffee-like smell of coffee!Baldree: [sipping cup] mm! love that distinctly coffee-like taste of coffee too!

Baldree: you know, after a while, an orc just gets tired of all the adventuringBaldree: cuz you know no one ever told her life was gonna be this wayBaldree: your job's a joke, you're brokeBaldree: your love life's DOA

Baldree: welcome to Tom BeanbadilBaldree: we have romano, cubano, americano, lothlorieno, and mordoroBaldree: what can i get for you?Tolkien: wow what a quaint little shop!Tolkien: i really like the acoustic pan flute music

Tolkien: uh yeah i would like theeeeeTolkien: the mocha frappacino double dungeon master delightBaldree: whole milk ok?Tolkien: do you have oat milk?Baldree: we have soyTolkien:Tolkien: uhhhhhGRR Martin: c'mon hurry it up!Martin: we don't have all day!

Baldree: and for the rest of you?CS Lewis: i would like the cinnamon raspberry Obama sonic blast with 12 pumps of syrupLewis: also i'd like to buy one of these CDs of acoustic pan flute musicBaldree: which album? "Rhythms of the River of Life" or "Global Heartsong?"

Tolkien: excuse me where do hey get the coffee beans in this fantasy world?Baldree: i don't know, jrrt, where do they get the taters in middle earth?Tolkien:Tolkien: that'sTolkien: that's differentBaldree: is it now?

Baldree: coffee is niceTolkien: [slowly drifting into contented haze] so niceBaldree: but then there's a mob boss!Tolkien: what!!!Tolkien: ugh!Tolkien: i was told that this would be low stakes!Tolkien: i distinctly heard it would be low stakes!

Baldree: don't worry, you can bribe the mob boss with pastriesBaldree: speaking of which do you want a biscotti with your coffee?Tolkien: oh! you know whatTolkien: yesTolkien: yes i do

Baldree: if you enjoyed this story, be sure to watch for the follow-upsBaldree: tiamats and toaster ovensBaldree: paladins and potholdersBaldree: sorcerers and spatulas