Midnight Pals: Signals (Patreon)

[a scottish castle with a 4 foot fence]JK Rowling: finally!Rowling: after yearss of sstruggle, i have achieved my life goalRowling: to be the final arbiter of lesssbianisssmRowling: i'm not gonna let some uppity lessbianss tell me what they are!

Rowling: but what'ss next for JK Rowling?Kathleen Stock: dark lord, its time for a new era in evilStock: it's time to pivot to racismRowling: a brilliant gambit! no one will sssee it coming!Rowling: well actually i think everyone ssaw it comingRowling: but still

Stock: it's time to hang up my larynx measuring calipersStock: and bring back my skull measuring calipers!Stock: [caressing calipers] oh Pinchy, how i've missed you!Stock: no one's every gonna take you away from me again!

Stock: anyway it's not racist to say that black people have a special extra muscle in their legs that makes them good at crimeRowling: excussse me i'm getting a phone callGraham Linehan: dark lord! it's me! your best friend graham linehan!!!Rowling: shit

Linehan: i, your most loyal minion, urgently request your help post haste!!!Linehan: have i not served you faithfully these many many years??Rowling:Rowling: how did you get this number

Linehan: i've been framed by the famously pro-trans british police!Linehan: as we all know, there's no greater friend to the trans community in this country than the policeLinehan: that's why they're so always so welcome at Pride

Linehan: sempai notice me!Rowling:Linehan: sempai!Linehan: sempai!Linehan: sempai notice me!Linehan: sempai!!Rowling: [quietly disconnects]

Rowling: ugh thisss ssuckssRowling: i should be assssociating with the real upper crussstRowling: i mean, i'm sssuper rich AND ssuper transsphobicRowling: why am i not in any of those evil billionaire ssignal chatss?

[evil billionaire signal chat]Marc Andreessen: hello this is the signal chat for evil billionaires with perfectly egg-shaped heads

Andreessen: have you ever seen such a perfectly egg shaped head as i?Andreessen: i maintainAndreessen: you have notTyler Winklevoss: does anyone want to buy an ape?Winklevoss: anyone?

Erik Torenberg: oh man marc andreessen is so smartTyler Winklevoss: he's the smartestTucker Carlson: no man with such a perfectly egg shaped head could be dumbCarlson: my calipers wouldn't lie to me at a time like this

Andreessen: hey does anyone else here hate wokeTorenberg: yesCarlson: yesWinklevoss: yesAndreessen: does anyone else here hate pluralistic democracyAndreessen: maintain low tones!!!

Andreessen: ugh, pluralistic democracy sucks assAndreessen: there's got to be a better wayAndreessen: hmm what if we created a dictatorship of tech elite with perfectly egg shaped heads?Andreessen: and know just the tech elitist with the most perfectly egg shaped head for the job...