Midnight Pals: Secret Identity (Patreon)

Chuck Tingle: good evening, my good chumsKing: oh excellent! it's chuck tingle!King: he's great, he's always so funnyTingle: actually, chums, this is serious horrorKing: what

King: what? you're not doing funny erotica anymore?Tingle: i never did funny erotica, chumKing: iKing: what?Tingle: that was serious eroticaKing: iKing: what?Barker: boy, was it!

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, i call this the tale of camp DamascusStephen King: oh good i could use a good laugh!Tingle: it's not a comedy, my good chumTingle: it's actually a harrowing tale of conversion camp torment torn straight from the headlinesKing: i'm laughing already!Poe: steveKing: no wait sorryKing: sorry that really came out wrong

Tingle: Rose is a typical teenage girlTingle: loving jesusTingle: obsessively cataloging obscure minutiaeTingle: sounds always escaping her throat

Tingle: "luke, i'm being haunted by demons that dress like target employees" ejaculates roseTingle: "maybe you should pray on that" extrapolates rose's father lukeKing: wait she calls her dad by his first name?Tingle: why yes my good chum, just a normal teenage thing that teenagers doJoe Hill: yeah steve get with the program

Tingle: rose sees these demons whose gums have receded to provide an unnatural lengthKing: an unnatural length?Tingle: that's correct, my good chumTingle: an unnatural lengthBarker: ok lookBarker: i'm just gonna ask the question everyone's thinkingBarker: are you chris pine?

Tingle: why would you think i was chris pine, my good chum?Tingle: certainly i would consider that to be an absurd premiseTingle: the very idea that i and Hollywood heartthrob chris pine would be the same personTingle: how mirthful!Tingle: the very idea fills me with mirth!

Poe: clive, don't harass chuckBarker: hey, i'm just asking questionsPoe: you're being very rudePoe: besides everyone knows chuck is actually will wheaton

Koontz: guys if you want to know chuck tingle's real identityKoontz: you should ask a detectivePoe:Barker:Barker: wow from the mouths of babes, huh?

Barker: so nobody knows his real identity but i'm pretty sure he's chris pineBarker: what do you think?Arthur Conan Doyle: can he touch cold iron without pain?Barker:Barker: edgar i'm gonna let you answer this one

Poe: uh well i haven't actually directly observed chuck handling any cold ironPoe: but i'm pretty sure he could do itDoyle: i'm not convincedDoyle: i have reason to believe that this chuck tingle may actually be one of the fae folkPoe:Barker:King:Koontz:Lovecraft:King: of course!King: it all makes sense!

Doyle: now this chuck tingleDoyle: would you describe him as puckish?Doyle: possibly impish?Poe: oh no not anymoreBarker: he's serious nowDoyle: damnit!Doyle: there goes that theory