Midnight Pals: Crossed (Patreon)

Garth Ennis: now i've got a real SHOCKING story for yaEnnis: but this ain't your dad's horror storyEnnis: don't try to hold me back! i'm a mad man!Ennis: i don't care whose toes I step on!Ennis: razor sharp, that's what my satirical wit is!

Barker: alright manBarker: you're doing a lot of talkingBarker: let's hear what's so shockingEnnis: careful kidEnnis: i'll all edge, baby, better step back or you'll be cut!Ennis: alright man you asked for itEnnis: but don't blame me if it turns out you can't handle itEnnis: poopoo peepee caca doody

Ennis: this is the story of the crossedEnnis: what if there was a disease that made you go C R A Z YGeorge Romero: like the crazies?Ennis: whatEnnis: noEnnis: no this is differentEnnis: there's a cross see

Ennis: see, this disease makes a cross-shaped open sore appear on your face when you turn evilRomero: why?Ennis: because i'm satirical toward religion, that's why!!Ennis: this disease makes you evilEnnis: so you just murder and rape and eat cum all dayPoe:King:Lovecraft:Koontz:Barker:King: ok i'll askKing: why would it make you-Poe: no steve it's a trap

Ennis: luckily, you'll know when someone gets infected by the evil disease because they'll start swearingEnnis: they'll be all "fuck shit piss cocksucker motherfucker shit fuckin fuck fuck cock shit fuck fuck shit fuck whore shit"Ennis: "shit fuck shit"

Ennis: alright motherfuckers, just imagine the worst, sickest, most demonic acts of human depravityKing: [chuckles] imagine? pal, have you seen the world todayEnnis:King: i mean ha ha am i right?Ennis:Ennis: i wish people would stop saying that

Ennis: i'm just trying to tell a nice story about a depraved rape murder apocalypse and people have to keep ruining itEnnis: "oh ha ha that's nothing compared to reality"King: sorry i was just trying to make a jokeEnnis: well, it's not funny!Ennis: it's really fucking demoralizing steve!King: jeez i'm sorry

King: i really didn't mean anything by itEnnis: well you ruined it steveEnnis: you ruined my whole vibe!Ennis: i hope you're happyKing: iKing: i was just trying to make a jokeKing: clive does it all the timeBarker: yeah but i'm good at it

King: i'm sorry, i really didn't mean to ruin the vibeEnnis: whatever, i guess my story just doesn't hold a candle to all your stupid so-called real world horrorsEnnis: maybe i should just give up telling stories all togetherEnnis: i guess i just suck and am stupidEnnis: nobody likes me, everybody hates meBarker: wow steve good jobKing: come on, it was a joke!

Ennis: whatever, nothing mattersEnnis: who caresDean Koontz: heyKoontz: hey listen to thisKoontz: fartKoontz: ha haKoontz: poopKoontz: ha ha haEnnis: stop trying to cheer me up