Midnight Pals: Who Killed Elon (Patreon)

M. Lopes da Silva: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of what if elon musk got killedAubrey Wood: ah yes what if melon husk got unalived, hypothetically, in MinecraftWood: lol just kidding!wood: …. unless?

da Silva: what if elon musk got killedKing: siiiighKing: oh if onlyPoe: steve you can't mean thatKing: no of course not iKing: i justKing: how does he die?da Silva: a deer vomits glitter on him and he melts

King: still, one has to wonderKing: what if…[screen goes wavy, dream chimes play]Poe: terrible news, everyone!Poe: I've just been informed there was a murder at 1313 deadbeat drivePoe: it seems elon musk… has been murdered!

Patricia Highsmith: the question isHighsmith: who had the motive to kill elon muskKing: why is everyone looking at mePoe: we're not looking at you, steveBarker: i was looking at him

King: it wasn't me! i'm innocent!Mary Shelley: well done, steveKing: i didn't do anything!Shelley: i didn't think he had it in himKing: it wasn't me!

Announcer: That's right, it's the new game from Parker Brothers "Who Killed Elon Musk?"Announcer: players will match wits by sifting through clues, interviewing scheming heirs, and finding out who among his many, many, many enemies actually killed elon muskAnnouncer: but watch outAnnouncer: there can only be ONE winnerAnnouncer: for ages 9-99

Video will of Elon Musk: eyyyy itsa me, elon musk! iffa you see this now, thatsa means i have become an hero. thatsa spicy-a meat ball! whoever solves my murder willa inherit my entire fortune offa ten (10) golden manbabies. May the games-a begin!

Patricia Highsmith: don't worry steve, i'll get to the bottom of thisKing: oh thank goodnessHighsmith: of course, to prove your innocenceHighsmith: i'll have to extensively interview all of elon's hot widows

Grimes, Justine Wilson, Taluley Riley, and Ashley St. Claire: [simultaneously answering the door in their merry widow mourning lingerie] oh inspector i didn't expect you so soon, i'm just soooo distraught over the death of my late husbandHighsmith: [smirking at camera] it's good to be the detective

[interviewing suspects]Highsmith: Was there anything unusual about elon?Grimes: I should say not. Elon was a perfectly normal person in every way. Except is as much as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant roko's basiliskHighsmith: How big was roko's basilisk supposed to be?Grimes: Normally he was wont to be about twelve feet from nose to tail, but when elon was very depressed roko's basilisk could be anything up to eight hundred yards long.

Highsmith: ok I've compiled a list of suspectsHighsmith: can YOU solve this crime and figure out…Highsmith: who unalived melon husk (hypothetically) in Minecraft?

Justine WilsonMotive: a mother's revenge for elon's mistreatment of daughter vivian, asserting herself as alpha wife, elon's death would make great fodder for new urban fantasy book "AngelDemon"Quote: "Sure, I hated him… but I didn't kill him!"

Talulah Jane Riley-MilburnMotive: elon never bought her the film career he promised. is this ingenue from the streets of Victorian London hiding a dark secret under her top hat?Quote: "I don't know what you're talking about, officer. I was right here on the set of St.Trinians the whole time"

GrimesMotive: this japanese conceptual artist feared retro-future-sea-punk-gurgle-core-wave music was getting stale, so took it to strange new places… including murder??!!?Quote: "Shinji, get in the robot! Lollerskates, i'm BeInG raNdOm!11! SPORK of d00m!!!11!"

Ashley St. Clairmotive: wanted to launch ASMR influencer career with clips4sale vids of her rubbing elon's corpse during funeralQuote: "Why am I being interrogated when the real black trans jew illegal alien responsible for this is still running free?"

Vivian WilsonMotive: as a member of an inherently violent, nihilistic demographic, could Vivian have killed Musk out of pure evil? And if she had nothing to do with the murder at all, could she still be blamed just because? Signs point to yesComplicating Factor: boymoding to frame twin brother?

Griffin MuskMotive: could this hen-pecked first born who could never do anything good enough to earn daddy's praise have finally snapped when elon couldn't remember his name?Complicating factor: girlmoding to frame twin sister?

Kai MuskMotive: the large adult son, the favored one, the golden child. Could Kai have finally gotten tired of waiting for the inheritance he thought his due and decided to speed things up with some arsenic in his father's morning ketamine?

Saxon Muskmotive: mistook his dad for a visigothQuote: "Unhand me, Roman dogs! You'll never get the secret of Getafix's magic potion!"

Damien Muskmotive: reportedly a vegetarian & smarter than his dad, perhaps this deranged hippie genius understood his father's death was necessary for the common good?Quote: "Man, carrot juice constitutes murder, man! Down with government!"

X Æ A-12motive: could it be that X Æ A-12 finally snapped after years of humiliation due to that incredibly fucking stupid name? (probability high)Complicating Factor: In an effort to distance self from father, gets name changed to the chemical element for hassium

Strider and Azure MuskMotive: A pair of Ray bradbury-esque small assassins who appear sweet and harmless while sucking on oversized lollipops, could they hide a sinister secret?Quote: "Who do you ask, Papa? We're ever so innocent!"

Exa Dark SiderælMotive: known as the little engineer for her cold, calculating demeanor, could Exa have plotted the perfect cold-blooded murder to inherit her father's wealth? what secrets does her deadpan Wednesday-esque demeanor hide?Quote: "No hard feelings… It's just business, father."

Techno MechanicusMotive: some say emotional, hotheaded Techno is too stupid to organize a murder… but not too stupid to be Exa's patsy, whom she will double-cross in the final reel and get off scot free!Quote: "hey, when do i get that horse? i was promised a horse"

Seldon LycurgusMotive: the dirty little secret of the Musk clan, too crazy for boy's town and too much of a boy for crazy town. they say he wanted to kill someone and musk just got in his way…Complicating factor: not guilty by reason of… INSANITY!?!!?!?!

Arcadiamotive: this bedraggled VC Andrews-style moppet haunted & tormented by the spirit of her dead mother grimes. could the spectre have finally goaded her to murder?Quote: [mumbling to self] "No mother… no mother, stop it… no mother… Mother, no…"

Romulusmotive: as a vat grown clone possibly infused with the DNA of history's greatest warriors and dictators a la serpentor, did romulus go mad with power and destroy his own creator in a fit of pique?Quote: "FOOLS! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!"