Midnight Pals: Blue Wave (Patreon)

Stephen King: hey guys guess what? King: the blue wave is back!🌊🌊🌊 King: it's curtains for DRUMP! King: end of the line for mango mussolini! King: no more orange julius caesar! King: i haven't been so excited since we finally defeated bu$hitler back in '09!

HP Lovecraft: now i don't usually pay a lot of attention to New york city Lovecraft: that seething, teeming metropolis Lovecraft: which i have been told is filthy with asiatics and saracens Lovecraft: but i'm just glad that new yorkers rejected the italian menace

Lovecraft: i shudder to think what new york would look like in the greasy grasp of a scheming italian Lovecraft: ugh, there would be a pizza place on every block! King: Poe: Koontz: Barker:

Lovecraft: by the way, who won? Lovecraft: some nice clean-cut anglo saxon protestant, i presume? Barker: oh howard ha ha Barker: let me tell him Poe: now clive Barker: fuck you edgar, let me tell him! Barker: give me this one!

Dan Simmons: i can't believe that you're laughing! Simmons: we're about to obliterated by the woke revenge tour and you're laughing! Simmons: they're going to close the concentration camps and convert them to gender camps, and you're laughing!!

King (he/him): calm down, dan, you're overreacting Simmons: what the hell is that??? are those... pronouns?!? King (he/him): what? oh yeah, i got them from the government King (he/him): what do you think? you like em? Simmons: so it begins...

Simmons: we're now in the grip of dark wokeSimmons: no cis het white man is safe Lovecraft: oh no! Simmons: they're going to force us all to stop thanking the troops! Lovecraft: oh no! Poe: dan stop putting these ideas in howard's head Poe: you're getting him all riled up

Simmons: it's worse than that Simmons: they're going to force us all to worship a big statue of greta thunberg! Barker: now dan you're just being paranoidBarker: you know that the guiding light of islam doesn't permit graven images Simmons: Simmons: what Barker: oh you didn't hear? we're muslim now

Simmons: [sweating] what?! Barker: oh yeah, new government mandate [siren calls] Barker: oh whoops there's the government mandated call to prayer Barker: everybody face mecca Frank Herbert: way ahead of you

Simmons: [waking up] no! no! no! Simmons: oh thank the real christian god, it was all a dream! Simmons: but it really makes you think Simmons: what if dark woke was real? Simmons: wait where am i Simmons: why am i chained up in this dank, david fincher-esque warehouse?

Benjanun Sriduangkaew [speaking through jugsaw puppet] hello dan simmons Simmons: what the Sriduangkaew: let's play a game

Benjanun Sriduangkaew [through jigsaw puppet]: in ten minutes, this room will start to fill with poison gas Sriduangkaew: UNLESS Sriduangkaew: you can do a genuinely respectful land acknowledgement

Simmons: OKAY, first of all, you have to understand that actually those savages were no angels- [room immediately starts filling with gas]