Midnight Pals: Luc Besson's Dracula 2 (Patreon)

Besson: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of incel draculaBesson: so dracula goes to a party, but a courtesan laughs at him!Besson: like, she doesn't even care about his amazing perfume or his $500 gucci sunglassesBesson: fuckin' femoid!!!

Besson: so this vampire woman introduces mina to draculaBesson: this is his big shotBesson: remember mina is the reincarnation of his immortal loveBesson: don't blow this one, vlad!Barker: does he blow itBesson: he blows itStoker: oh thank god!

Besson: yeah so he's got to make a good first impression on mina so naturally he won't stop whining about his dead wifeBesson: "oh wah wah wah my wife is dead, i'm so lonely wah wah wah"Edward Lee: broLee: broLee: does that work

Besson: surprisingly eventually all his whining actually wins mina overBesson: at which point he immediately pivots to "no we can't be together, loving me would damn you"Besson: this is called neggingLee: broLee: does that work

Besson: anyway this priest says to dracula "hey you should consider repenting"Besson: and dracula is all "ok i repent"Besson: and that pretty much solves thingsBesson: surprisingly easy, if you think about itBesson: oh! also i forgotBesson: dracula has a bunch of little helpersKing: oh yeah, igor!Stoker: no! it's not igor!Stoker: we've been over this before!Stoker: igor is from frankstein!Mary Shelley: no he fucking isn't

Stoker: everyone knows that dracula's little helper is renfield!Besson: not this time!Besson: he's got a bunch of cute little animated gargoyle helpers, like out of Disney's hunchbackStoker:Stoker:Stoker:

Besson: yeah these gargoyles are adorable AND funny!Barker: they are neither of those thingsBesson: kids will love them!Barker: highly dubiousKoontz: i like cute gargoylesBesson: SEE???

Besson: oh but there's one thing about these cute gargoylesBarker: i'm still reeling from the fact that there are cute gargoyles at all honestlyBesson: when dracula dies, they all turn into childrenStoker: what

Barker: whatKing: whatLovecraft: whatKoontz: whatPoe: whatBesson: no questions please