Midnight Pals: Luc Besson's Dracula (Patreon)

Francis Ford Coppola: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of bram stoker's draculaBram Stoker: no it's not!Stoker: this is not my dracula!Stoker: i don't recognize this horny stranger!Stoker: this is not my chaste, dry-dicked son!

Luc Besson: hey what if i retold francis ford coppola's versionBesson: but made it extremely not hornyStoker: i'm listeningBesson: like, what if dracula was just a pug ugly motherfuckerBesson: like a real frog-mouthed eurotrash bitchBesson: a real "vigo the carpathian" type dudeBesson: a real brenden fraser by way of severus snape type

Besson: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of incel draculaStoker: this is it!Stoker: this is dracula the way it was meant to be told!Barker: boooo!Stoker: clive, stop it!

Besson: ok so you remember how francis ford coppola's version explained dracula's backstory in like 2 minutesBesson: we're gonna take 45Besson: and also include some battle scenes where you can't tell what's going on and all the extras look like SCA day jobbers

Besson: so dracula is fighting the muslims on the behalf of the christian godBesson: but the christian god fails to save his wife, so now he's madFrank Herbert: hmm seems to me that maybe there's another religion here that's being proven superiorHerbert: i'm just sayinHerbert: if the christian god failed to save my wife, i would think, hey, maybe consider the guiding light of Allah insteadHerbert: just sayinStoker: dracula would never think that!Barker: hold on bram the man's got a point

Herbert: i mean he might as well convert, what's he got to lose?Herbert: it's not like he can drink wine anywayStoker:

Besson: i hope you're all familiar with the dracula story, cuz i'm not gonna give these characters any sort of introduction or anythingBesson: by the same token, i hope you'e also all completely unfamiliar with vampire lore because i'm gonna repeat that in depth

Besson: ok so the important thing to know about draculaBesson: is that he has absolutely no gameBesson: no rizz, no dripBesson: just a real sad sack piece of shitFrancis Ford Coppola: can he still have the hair that looks like a butt?Besson: oh yeah of courseBesson: he's not dracula without that!

Besson: as you know, dracula has no way to attract womenBesson: it's not like he has some sort of supernatural attraction that makes him irresistible to womenStoker: thank god!Stoker: i would hate to be irresistible to women!Stoker: what a nightmare!

Besson: since dracula has no game, he has to invent ax body sprayKing:Barker:Koontz:Lovecraft:Poe:Besson: dracula's a scientist

Besson: that's right dracula develops a perfume so potent that it instantly makes all women horny for himStoker: whatStoker: i don't like that!Besson: don't worry, cuz i'm gonna instantly drop that storyline