Midnight Pals: The Pit and the Pendulum (Patreon)

Edgar Allan Poe: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the pit and the pendulum
Poe: it's about this guy who gets caught by the spanish inquisition
King: oh, i didn't expect that!
King: eh? eh? get it?
Joe Hill: no, dad

King: see, it's because nobody expects the spanish inquisition!
King: their chief weapon is surprise and a fanatical devotion to the pope
Joe Hill: dad, what are you talking about
King: ok ok maybe that's a little sophisticated for you
King: how about this one
King: we are the knights who say NEEP

Poe: so this guy gets caught by the spanish inquisition for a crime he didn't commit
Poe: or maybe he did
Poe: i'll never say
Franz Kafka: big mood

Poe: anyway, he faints
Poe: and he wakes up in a room where there's a pit and apendulum
King: oo the titular line! nice!
Poe: thank you
Poe: anyway that makes him faint again
Poe: there's a lot of fainting in this story

Poe: but then just when it looks like he's done for, some guys run in and tell him "good news! the spanish inquisition is cancelled!"
King: wow, that was a lucky break!

Roger Corman: 'eeeey it's me Roger Corman, star of da bluesky account
Corman: Edgar baby, I love dis pit an da pendulum idea
Corman: we'll make a movie an make a million bucks!
Corman: here, have a cigar

Corman: course, we gotta whang it up a bit
Corman: you know how dat is, edgar baby
Corman: gotta throw in bits from all da stories
Poe: but Roger
Corman: dats showbiz, baby!
Corman: people want poe by the pallet!

Corman: ok so picture dis
Corman: we open on da house of usher
Corman: where they're doin' a premature burial of ligeia with a black cat
Corman: meanwhile dere's a raven over da door
Corman: an den dey drop a gold bug
Corman: while dey learn da system of dr tar an prof feather

Corman: den dere's da big climax
Poe: the big climax?
Corman: oooh you're gonna love dis one edgar baby
Corman: it's real hollywood, real now, da kids are gonna love it!
Poe: what happens?
Corman: foist baby, here, have anudder cigar

Corman: ok so at da end we have dis big ol' moida monkey come in and kill everyone
Corman: classic twist ending!
Poe: roger, it just sounds like you're throwing all of my stories together in a blender
Corman: eeey you're quick, kid

Poe: but roger, you can't jus throw together every story!
Poe: how can that maintain the heightened gothic atmosphere for which i'm known?
Corman: dat's hollywood, baby!
Poe: you can't just do EVERY poe story at once!
Mike Flanagan: excuse me, did someone say EVERY Poe story at once?

Flanagan: every poe story at once?
Flanagan: why this sounds perfect for one of my patented Mike Flanagan shenanigans (tm)
Poe: flanagan shenaniwhat?
Flanagan: oh it's just a thing i say now
Flanagan: i'm trying to start a trend

King: wow! a mike flanagan appearance!
King: i certainly didn't expect that!
King: just like i didn't expect-
Joe Hill: give it a rest, dad