Midnight Pals: Barbarian (Patreon)

Brian Keene: hey guys we’re going to do a collection of barbarian horrorRobert E Howard: hang on thar a dang second pardnaHoward: how y’all gonna do that?Keene: well I thinkKeene: it’ll go a little somethingKeene: like this…

[wasteland expanse]Brian Keene: [in loincloth] I am BrianKeene: brian the barbarianKeene: greatest warrior on all krullKeene: hark! Who is this brassy spitfire who approaches?Mary SanGiovanni: [in chainmail bikini]

SanGiovanni: I am Mary, the warrior queen of SanGiovanniKeene: A woman? A woman warrior? Surely a jest! Hailey Piper: do not speak to the warrior queen thus, vile cur!SanGiovanni: conserve your strength, huntress!SanGiovanni: we shall need it in time to breast boobily across the steppesKeene: constrain your yapping dog, wench! Your handmaiden forgets her placePiper: I am no mere handmaiden!Piper: I am Hailey the huntressPiper: I thrill to the hunt!Piper: but also

Keene: what ho! A warrior approaches!Joe Lansdale: greetings, fellow wanderersLansdale: I am Joe of LansdaleLansdale: My sword is big like the wide open expanses of the Texas sky Lansdale: and my strength as persistent as the memory of the alamo

Lansdale: I challenge you, brian the barbarianKeene: I accept, joe of Lansdale, for my arm is strong and my blade is sharpLansdale: you speak much, whelp, but let’s see how you fight[they fight]Lansdale: DON’TLansdale: MESSLansdale: WITHLansdale: TEXAS!!!

Stephen Graham Jones: [wearing elk skull mask] halt travelersJones: you dare cross the domain of Stephen of Graham of Jones?Jones: to proceed, you must best me in a contest of strength and skillKeene: name the game, gatekeeper!Jones: basketballKeene:

Keene: augh! I am injured!Keene: Look away, wench! None may witness my manly tears!Mary SanGiovanni: But that wound requires healing salve, you brashly impulsive warrior!

Brian Keene: so what did you think of that?Barker: sounds like a lot of nerd shitRobert Howard: now hold on there pardnaHoward: I plum enjoyed thatHoward: specially the part about TexasHoward: I like the cut of this Lansdale feller’s gib