Midnight Pals: New Harry Potter (Patreon)

[mysterious circle of robed figures]JK Rowling: hello childrenRowling: great newssssRowling: they’re making a new harry potter ssseriessss on HBORowling: and thissss timeRowling: thisss time we’ll do it right

Rowling: I’ve been VERY dissssappointedRowling: to find that the kids from the original moviessss turned out to ssssupport transss rightsssRowling: I don’t know how they get away with sssssaying thatRowling: I made them! I own them! Rowling: they should be compelled to obey ME!Rowling: I mussst have accidentally given them clothesss at sssome point

Rowling: but I plan to be heavily involved in thisss new potter ssseriessssRowling: and, believe me, I will be heavily sssscrutinizing thessse new actorssssRowling: essspecially when they’re sshowering

Rowling: I’m making a new potter sssseriessssRowling: and there’s gonna be ssomeRowling: CHANGESSSRowling: around hereRowling: firssst of all, harry potter is a nazi nowRowling: I’ve decided that fascism is good now

Rowling: the deatheaters are all evil queers and drag queens nowRowling: and I want hookier noses on those goblins!!Rowling: maybe put ssssome payot on themRowling: i don't want there to be any misssunderssstandingsss about what i'm ssssaying

Rowling: I need a big doofy oafRowling: just a big hairy bumbling loser who fucks up all his relationshipsRowling: glinnerRowling: you’re gonna be our new hagrid Rowling: now we need some stupid old hippieRowling: just a real annoying loudmouth hippie that everyone can shit onRowling: nina, I think you would be a great trelawnyNina Paley: it’s the part I was born to play!

Rowling: and for cho changRowling: I choose Ishida TatsuyaTatsuya: I’m JapaneseRowling: Rowling: look it’s not my fault you all look alikeTatsuya: also I’m a guyRowling: LOOK I already said it’s not my fault you all look alike

Rowling: jesse, my loyal wormtailJesse Singal: yes mommyRowling: I have saved the best part for youSingal: mommy mommy mommy!Rowling: for you shall meSingal: [vibrating] MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!!

Rowling: you shall beSingal: MOMMY MOMMY MOMMYRowling: Anthony GoldsteinSingal:Singal: oh I thought I was gonna get to be harry potterRowling: you? Harry potter? Ha!Rowling: don’t make me laugh!Rowling: I’m saving that for matt walsh