Midnight Pals: Blume (Patreon)

[mysterious circle of robed figures]JK Rowling: hadley freeman, your failuresss disssspleasssse me Rowling: you promissssed me you would deliver margaret atwood Rowling: instead, nothing but ashess and wind Hadley Freeman: p-please dark lord Freeman: one more chance, just one!

Rowling: very well Rowling: you will deliver unto me Rowling: judy blume Freeman: j-judy blume?! Freeman: b-but dark lord Freeman: judy blume is friend to all children! Rowling: DID I SSSTUTTER FREEMAN Freeman: n-no dark lord Freeman: [bowing, groveling] it shall be so

Freeman: i'm really honored today to interview judy blume, beloved author of the mouse and the motorcycle and the cat ate my gymsuit Judy Blume: thanks for having me Freeman: so first question Freeman: isn't jk rowling just awesome Freeman: i mean, just tops at being an author

Freeman: so JK Rowling said that trans people should be eradicated from public life. Agree or hard agree? Blume: no i don't agree with that Freeman: Freeman: [narrowing eyes] you clever devil Freeman: you win this round blume Freeman: but this battle is far from over

Freeman: ok how about this Freeman: hypothetically Freeman: if someone were to drop a big anvil on JK Rowling's head Freeman: that would be bad, right? Blume: yeah sure Freeman: [rushing from room] ok that's all i need, thanks, bye Blume: Blume: you know i have a movie coming out

Freeman: behold! dark lord! Freeman: the judy blume interview! Freeman: "I... stand... behind... JK Rowling... 100%!" Rowling: Rowling: what was cut out with the ellipsesss Freeman: [sweating] ellipses? what ellipses??

Judy Blume: it seems like there's some confusion about my interview Blume: it was taken out of context Blume: what i meant was i stand 100% behind jk rowling's scottish castle ductwork Blume: it looks so welcoming & cozy Blume: [licking lips] and that particle board! so tasty!

JK Rowling: fool!!! blundering nincompoop!! Rowling: i asssk you to deliver judy blume! and what do i get? Rowling: jussst pathetic excusssesss! Rowling: you've failed me for the last time, freeman! Rowling: i'm gonna drag you so hard in my next cormoran ssstrike doorssstopper!!

Freeman: [cowering, groveling] forgive me, dark lord! Freeman: blume was too wily! Freeman: it's almost like she's got some mystical power to see through bullshit moral panics! Freeman: it's almost like she's been through all this before!